Want to know what anorexia does to your mind? How it takes over, invades, and literally warps everything you do and experience. The insane thoughts it puts in your mind in desperation to keep you a captive. Well...here was my morning. Just a warning...numbers are used...but I mean they obviously aren't real wts...just had to use something to show it.
You weigh-in and finally it’s 8.2 lbs..you freak out. Overcome with joy and excitement. You finally can recover! Finally. You almost cry. You get on and off scale several times….just checking in amazement. You even change the batteries on your scale and weigh on the other scale in your house. Yep….definitely 8.2 lbs. You get ready in excitement, praising God and hurridly packing the food you have had packed for days waiting for the chance to be able to eat again.Then you get to work. You are still nervous about new plan.
Three hours fly by and your alarm for b-fast sounds. Here it is…the moment of truth. You brought your camera and sneak into bathroom to take pics of your body since you are convinced this is last time will ever be this low and must document.
Now the fun begins…fun for ED that is. He convinces you that this morning you were really 9.2 lbs. That you saw wrong and got excited for nothing. That really you can’t start plan. That you needed to take pic of scale. That you should wait till tom so can do it right.
It is illogical. Even you know that. You are obsessed with scale…you would have easily known the difference between 9.2 and 8.2 lbs. 9.2 would have sent you into full blown panic because it was your fear. Oh wait! You remember there is a scale here and you quickly weigh…8 lbs. Okay..this seems it would push away fear. But ED says nope….see it’s a different scale and its 3 hours later…can’t trust that. So you do next logical thing….you drive to your house with girls you nanny just to weigh yourself on your scale.
8 lbs.But what about this 3 hour business. Good thing you have record of your past weights….you look back to the days you have weighed at two different times. There are plenty of days this is unrecorded because weight was same. Even on day when weghed 4 hours apart after being in hot sun weight only went down .8 lbs. Heck you know even yest when weighed after workout and 5 hours later weight only down .8 lbs. There is no way 1.2 lbs difference could have happened in three hours.
You would think with all this logic ED is silenced…but he is not and your mind still races. The only thing left to do is what you should have started with: journal, pray, trust. You know what you saw. God provided the 8.2 lbs and you have to trust it. Plus you live by faith not sight. You don’t need a picture. And waiting till tom….won’t ever let you know what you saw this morning. Only you know what you saw this morning and in your heart or hearts you know it was 8.2 lbs. It was. Trust yourself, fuck ED, and move on. Okay…time for breakfast and prayer! I am so obsessed with numbers I am choosing to know and trust what I saw....I (and ED) would have never let me get number wrong...and I've spent too much time wasting energy on this thought.