Sunday, July 21, 2013

When the right thing feels wrong

So today I had horrid weigh-in. In two days I have “gained” 1.4 lbs and I freaked. Of course my first thought was to relapse. It would be so easy today. Stuck in car all day, b-fast already wouldn’t be till 1pm, family so oblivious and mad at me that no one would notice….I was set-up perfectly to restrict. And I could sneak away and go for a run too. It was perfect.

But something else happened today. I heard the small voice in me saying to trust Jesus. Saying that I should practice what I said I would do. That I would trust the Spirit, trust the weight gain, trust the process and not turn back. I freaked out and reached out for support and I got it, but still no words were making it okay. I wanted someone to say the right thing that would make me think this was fluctuation and I should keep plan. Even when people said those exact words it wasn’t enough. Nothing seemed to be making it okay to eat. And I was scared, because I wanted to eat and wanted to do the plan. That small voice inside of me was now loud enough to be audible.

I realized in that moment, PEOPLE weren’t ever going to say the right thing. I needed to pray to God because that small voice was His Spirit in me. If I wanted to know and trust it, I needed to speak to Him and ask Him to cure my unbelief and walk with me through this day.

Let me tell you…I have had to go to Him several times today. Today was hard….very hard. I thought 
listening to God and doing the right thing would feel…well…right. But every bite I put into me, the three fear foods I chose to face spur of the moment because I wanted them, even my very safe b-fast…it all felt wrong. I honestly felt in my core what I was doing was wrong and needed to be punished. But I knew in my heart what I was doing was right. I knew I was being obedient. But still it felt wrong.

But you know what was great about today. I didn’t let that feeling or the fear, guilt, and shame that came along with it dictate my actions. And as the day has gone on it has gotten less and even the weigh-in has drifted from my mind. I know had I restricted all I would be thinking about right now is the scale. But by choosing to do something different….choosing to listen to God over ED, choosing facing over hiding from fear, choosing the unknown over misery, choosing obedience over reason, choosing faith over my own understanding….well the scale almost faded away. It has still come up from time to time…but looking back it’s a ton better than when I choose to restrict.

Now why is this so HUGE. Because this is the first time since I was 6 and started my realationship with ED (and also the earliest memory I have) that I have chosen to not listening to ED, to not let emotions dictate my actions, to not let the verbal abuse from my mom (who actually told me to restrict today) play out in punishing myself through food. It is the first time since I started treatment at the age of 14 that I actually did what I was supposed to do and ate meal plan instead of looking for ways to cut corners. It is the first time since I started weighing myself again two years ago that the scale didn’t determine my intake but I let my dietitian dictate it.

So today…today was a lot of first for me. And I am coming to see that’s why it didn’t feel right…because it was different…and it was change..and for me change is something that doesn’t seem right. But you know what..change is good. Change allows flowers to bloom again as the winter frost gives way to spring. Change allowed my parents to re-marry and actually be happy. And change…well maybe change will bring me recovery and my own happiness…maybe change will let me bloom as ED’s frost melts away. So just know in this recovery thing…if it feels like what you are doing is wrong..but in your heart you know its right..its probably the right thing. If your mind is screaming that you can’t do it, that it is wrong to do it….whatever it is….do it anyway. And maybe..just maybe..change will come our way and what’s right will finally feel right. 

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