Monday, October 28, 2013

Fight the Fright it happened. The weigh-in that made me sit between trust and relapse. Sure..I was scared by weigh-in on Friday, but it was still less than a lb gain so I felt okay. Then had this weekend…even went for run and had yest where was so hungry. So I was sure I had been “good enough” to have a “good” weigh-in (aka not have gained anymore). Well this morning that wasn’t the case and my weight had shot up another lb. That makes the gain since Tues over 2lbs and since Wed almost two lbs.

I freaked. Legit freaked. Wish I could say I swallowed my fear and trusted…but that wasn’t case. first thought was this plan has got to go. I reached out to my support and told them I had to change plan and e-mailed N in a panic. But in my heart I knew I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to lapse again. I didn’t want to throw everything away, lose back to the low number, only to have to do it all over again. Sure things didn’t go my way..but why keep going through the misery of relapse just to get things to go my way. Sure it’s not the same as was last time…but maybe fact more rapid this time shows the damage this lapse did.

In that moment though I was terrified and the security blanket of ED I always run to wasn’t there. Well…it was…but I refused to cling to it. I didn’t want to prove everyone right. All those who don’t think I can do this outpatient. I wanted to show I can do this…I just didn’t know how. So I packed up my b-fast minus the added almonds and went to class awaiting my nutritionist response and in class it came. I wasn’t allowed to decrease. So as much as I hated it…I went through today and did my whole plan.

Luckily my weigh-in days are also therapy days and I had an amazing session. In fact my session made me happy the weigh-in went the way it did because it allowed me to cry and get out the fear. Instead of having an easy weigh-in like I wanted and having a therapy session that was surface level this session got deep. Deep in to my fears. My fears of finding a new security blanket to hold onto. Because I don’t want to relapse again. I don’t want to cling to ED…but it scares me to not do what I have always done. It just feels wrong. But Ed...he is a worn out security blanket...or more fitting for me...a torn up, spit on, slobbered on, dragged through mud stuffed animal. But God...He is my lion stuffed animal I sleep with every night. He is warm, clean, bright...and provides new comfort. 

I don’t want to cling to ED. The letter I wrote myself assures me of that. Sure ED says if I listen to him and lose the weight we can just start again and keep doing that till I only gain a lb the first week. Well…that happened last time and I ended up lapsing yet again when the next weigh-in didn’t go as planned. I am tired of it. I am never going to gain weight and recover if I keep letting weigh-ins that don’t go my way send me back to start. Recovery isn’t going to be perfect. Weigh-ins aren’t going to be exact and I have to get okay with that. I can’t keep running to ED..I need to put my trust in something else.

I know this should be God, but honestly every time these weigh-ins happen I get mad at Him. I wonder why He would let something like that happen. Why recovery can’t just be easy. He is God…can’t He just makes this easy to get over. Make everything be nice, neat, and perfect. Yes, He could…but He isn’t and I have to trust there is a purpose in that. Most likely so I can appreciate His strength and lean on Him and actually learn. So I can get stronger. Just like in running…it takes a lot of sore legs to get (aka ice) through in order to run a race or get a PR…but it’s worth it. So weigh-ins like today will be worth it.

And the fact that I did my plan today…relied on God’s strength and did it…it shows I really trust. If weigh-in was easy today I wouldn’t really be trusting the plan yet or committing to recovery…I would just be clinging to a number. These past few days that’s what I have been doing. Just trusting in the hope my weight would only be a lb this week and that would mean I could trust my N. So I wasn’t trusting my N…but making her earn my trust through the security of a “safe” weigh-in. But with this weigh-in…that security was ripped from me and I had to decide if I was going to trust ED or trust God and my team. For today I trusted the latter. And you know what…that’s all that matters right now. All that matters is today…tomorrow I will have to choose again..but for today I chose God. I chose life. I chose recovery. I chose not going back to what is “easy” or routine…and instead I chose to fight. I hope you will do the same. 

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Next right thing...

Today has been a roller coaster of a day. Full of victories, but also of fight. Let’s start with this morning. I decided not to go on a run because I knew I had an ultimate frisbee playoff game and honestly I was sore form run yesterday. Instead, I woke up, took shower, and at b-fast at a “normal” b-fast time. I then set-off to come back to school with a meal timing set in place.

On way to school I got hungry before my set time and let myself eat a little early (okay I did let the hunger persist an extra 30 minutes, but it’s an improvement). I started to get scared when realized it didn’t fulfill my hunger. Even scarier was when I started to think about the rest of my menu for today. I knew I would be facing peanut butter, but also I was craving a banana and craisins….too big fears of mine due to calories. I also knew there   was mahi-mahi instead of my safer flounder in the fridge back home. I started to panick.

The numbers started to swirl in my head as I started to compare today numerically to days in the past. Fear started to rise, but I also knew at that point not eating what I was craving was purely listening to ED. It was in that moment I got pissed. Here I was, hungry and simply just trying to plan my day, and ED was trying to keep me stuck in numbers. Honestly…I’m done with it. Done with choosing food off calories or fat or sodium or whatever. I want to do as my nutritionist has tried to get me to do and just trust cravings and exchanges. Trusting calories got me to the panicked, obsessed, crazed state I am in now…listening to my mind got me here too. Maybe I should give exchanges and my body a chance for once. So I committed to the scarier thing and honestly, thanks to the hunger, was feeling okay about it.

As I unpacked and got started with lunch basically on time I was still feeling pretty good. Lunch didn’t fill me up which scared me, but I knew I had the PB on a bagel snack left. I actually went into it with excitement, not fear. I actually enjoyed the taste and honestly wanted more PB. It was also the first time I have gotten an honest full T of PB when my nutritionist has asked me to. No divets…a full tablespoon. ED had a few not so kind words to say about that and was even mad that I didn’t weigh the PB…but who in the world weighs peanut butter? I mean seriously! So I moved on and went to guide dog training, packing  a snack so I could stick to timing.

It was awesome. I  got to be present at guide dog foundation. Wasn’t thinking about bagel just had or the snack I had with craisins waiting for me…I just was in the moment. It was amazing and freeing. Then, I raced back to my car to get to my UF game…and this is where things took a turn. I had my snack in car and was even a little hungry after. I was still feeling good because was still a little hungry. But then I played the game. It was our playoff game and we ended up losing and as soon as the game was over ED started saying I didn’t play hard enough. Didn’t burn enough. That I needed to do more. I then got a not so kind text from someone I cared about and to me the solution to both was easy…do an extra 10 minute workout video when I got back to the dorm. I wasn’t sweaty…wasn’t out of I needed to .

I got back to my dorm and my mind was swirling. I was torn. I mean I knew doing the video wasn’t the most recovery-oriented decision, but I honestly just didn’t feel that tired from the video and all my hunger was gone. I just wanted to do something. So I will be honest…I pulled up the video online and even pressed play. I even did all of 10 seconds, but my legs were screaming. So what did I do…I pressed stop. I realized what I was doing was wrong. It was purely ED trying to take back control because I have a weigh-in tom and thus he wanted me to feel I had to earn my food. But my body was tired…I needed to listen to my body. My mind might have said I needed more, but my body was saying I had done enough.

So I stopped the video. Do I feel proud like I did earlier in the day? Motivated? Confident in my decision and in the weigh-in tomorrow? No..not at all. I honestly am more scared than I have been all day. But I also know it was the right decision. I know it is what my team would have wanted me to do. They wouldn’t have approved more exercise after the game. They would have wanted me to take a shower and get on with dinner. I know it was the right decision and though it may not feel right, though my mind is saying it was wrong…I know…in my heart…it was the recovery-oriented decision.

Yes, I have lost the motivation I had earlier. I have lost the burning anger at ED and instead am scared about tomorrow. But I am trying to stay in today. In tonight. In doing the next right thing. It may not feel right in the moment, but if it is what my team would want…if it goes against what ED is saying…then I just have to do it. I am learning it’s okay if your drive for recovery wanes…it doesn’t mean your fight has to end. In fact, it’s in those moments you turn to God, ask for His strength, and realize just how strong you are. You do the next right thing in blind faith knowing that the only other option is ED…and going back to ED just isn’t worth it. Even a brief moment back with ED isn’t worth risking the misery. You do the next right thing out of a have to…and you pray for God to change your want to. You do it in obedience and trust as you wait for your passion to come back.

It doesn’t feel right, but it is right. Just ask what your team or what God or what your future self/husband or what your family would have you do (whichever is biggest motivation for you to recover) and then you do that thing. Take it one moment, one decision, one thought at a time. Take it step by step and just keep doing the next right thing. 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Happy first day to the rest of your life

Just a little re-cap from Wed. Still been pretty good. I mean today timing wise was rough and stomach been torn up but managed to listen to my N today too and do a dessert even though non-exercise day all because I wanted it and it was on menu. Not only is it non-exercise day, but it's pre weigh-in day....I never do dessert on days like this. Also, ate mustard for first time in years. So that's two food that were "extra" to my plan. Am I scared to weigh tom..yes. But I am also trying to come to terms with idea it really doesn't matter. It's just a check-in. The only weigh-in that matter is weekly one on Wed. Because that is one N uses to assess progress. Plus, torn up tummy means won't be that accurate anyway. So I'm not gonna waste any more time worrying about it. In fact I don't even have a guessed number, because I have no idea. Now onto re-cap

Wow! It’s been a whirlwind of a day to say the least…where to begin…I’m not sure. I guess at this morning would be best.

So this morning I had a weigh-in which yesterday I decided would make or break my recovery. I told myself if was over 86.4 lbs then I was dropping bagel and lapsing back to 86.2 lbs just so I could “do it right.” It was really the only way I got myself to eat bagel yesterday. Well…got on scale this morning and was 86.6 lbs. That’s right. Here we were again. Here we were with .2 lbs. I tried to pee, but no matter what, no matter how much went…scale didn’t budge. So what was I going to do? got me pissed. But not at myself, not at God, but at ED. This was stupid. I was about to throw everything away over .2 lbs. Choose .2 lbs over having a good N session. Choose .2 lbs over commitment to myself and God. Choose .2 lbs over life. And I was done. Still I prayed to God just once to have 86.4 come across that scale…and for one moment He did. It was my green light that it was okay to go. Just so I could have photo proof I asked for one more quick time, and I got a pic. Then went straight back to 86.6 lbs. But I was done. I was done with ED, with this insanity, with the misery and desperation. Tired of my life being made or broken by .2 lbs. I just wanted to recover. So I decided it was over. Yesterday was real (very obviously since same pee I blamed for loss yesterday caused no loss today). I hit 86.2 and it was time to recover. Time to call it quits with ED. So I committed to recovery. Not because I hit a weight that was low enough, but because I finally realized I’ve had enough. Enough of ED.

So then I went to N session and it was one of the most emotional sessions we have ever had. We did the normal weigh-in thing, but then I really opened up about this most recent lapse and just how miserable I have been. There were a lot of tears shed. I just stared into her eyes in desperation and said, “Please. I don’t want this anymore. I’m fucking done. I’m miserable and I’m done. I’m done with this insanity. I just want to live. I just want to be free. I want to give you the calories and weight and all the obsession and let you take care of that. I just want to focus on timing and freedom foods. The things I want in my life. Please, let’s do this. Let’s sit here in May when I graduate, split a Gigi’s cupcake, and say heck yes. We did it. We kicked ED’s ass.” And she stared back at me with tear-stained eyes and said : “Let’s do it. You have such an amazing purpose on this Earth. God has given you an amazing purpose. Let’s take this motivation and run with it.” It was the most real, most raw, most open, and most freeing session we have ever had.

Then it came time to put words in to action and things got scary. She increased my meal plan even more than was before relapse, chose dessert for this week, and chose tons of freedom foods. As part of new plan I have agreed I can’t say no to her because I need to learn how to eat and that is going to mean shutting up and opening my ears. So I kept agreeing. Sharing my fears, but agreeing. Then she told me I might gain more than a lb this week just because of the lapse and I started to freak out big time. The fear came in and I felt ED crying out to me. We had to end the session and it was off to lunch.

Luckily, I had my journal with me and after 4 pages of journaling, I felt better and calmer. I came to realize this. I had two choices. I could choose the easy road, only do the easy part of the freedom foods and not add in the almonds she added. That was one option. Here were possible outcomes. I could gain less than a lb and end up having to add those things anyway (so basically I just postpone facing the fear for a week), I could gain a lb and still be just as afraid of the almonds and freedom foods as am now and again just have to add them in whenever weight did maintain, I could gain over a lb and be even more afraid of the almonds and freedom foods.

 Luckily, I had a second (better) choice. I could choose to let my nutritionist worry about my weight and trust her. Trust that she said numbers wise should only be a lb, but is possibility more. Here is what could come from that. I could gain less than a lb and have huge decrease in fear of increase and freedom foods, gain only a lb and still have less fear in meal plan and freedom foods (though decrease not be as much), or I could gain over a lb and be just as scared as I am now. So basically only way to have possibility of any victory was to do as my nutritionist had said.

And I also realized I needed to keep handing the weight worries over to God and my nutritionist and focus on actually enjoying facing these freedom foods and the dessert. Yes, I could spend the next week miserably trying to guess what my weight was doing or was going to do or whatever. Or I could choose to not worry about it or make worst case scenarios and just let it happen. Why worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet or that I don’t even know will happen. I don’t even have another weigh-in till Friday, so that’s just a waste of energy. Instead I want to try and enjoy and experience what it’s like to eat and not think about weight. Or when I think about weight to turn over to God and re-focus. Then if I gain a whole ton like ED says come Wed I can freak out with nutritionist then. But it’s been my expereicne that rarely happens and instead I just end up wasting a week fearing something that never happened. And I’m tired of it. Tired of living and eating based on weight. So I’m going to try and not to. It’s not going to be easy and is going to take dedication, but as my middle school counselour said…practice makes permanent. Not perfect, but permanent.

And so I went through rest of day pretty okay. Even went ahead and faced a freedom food I didn’t plan and then it was off to Passion Let the Future Begin Concert. I can’t even put into words the encounter I had with the Holy Spirit there. God really spoke to me that He is going to be my Strength, Peace, and Comfort on this journey. That times won’t be easy. It’s going to get hard and most definitely scary, but if I just gaze upon His face, I will be filled with His peace. He is a God of victory, and He won’t let anything happen that doesn’t get me closer to victory. He knows how scary weight gain is for me, so He won’t let it happen at a rate I can’t stand or He can’t see me through. It doesn’t mean it will always be a rate I am comfortable with, but it will be a rate I can handle. With His strength and His peace I will make it through. And He so wants me to, because He wants me to be a light for others to see to lead them out of the darkness of ED. But I have to be obedient and keep my eyes on Him.

In the prayer time we had I recommitted myself to God. I asked Him to be my focus not my ED and repented for the past 15 years I have spent following ED not God. Found it funny it was 15 years and my relapse lasted 15 days. Just a coincidence, or as I like to call it a God-incidence. I cried tears I needed to cry and turned my gaze to the beautiful face of Jesus and away from ED. Sure I am scared. Heck, I’m terrified, but I am also at peace, because I know with my Father everything will be okay.

So as I said before. Tuesday I chose to eat a bagel, and that was great start…it was. Honestly, had I put that off till today (Wed) I think would have been too overwhelming. But eating that bagel had strings attached based off the scale. And it still wasn’t recovery because I hadn’t committed to obedience to my N, to timing, to freedom foods, or even to not letting weight dictate what I did. It was still a huge step to add back that bagel, but recovery is so much more than eating food…it’s a mindset, a determination, a choice. And today I made that choice. Today I made the choice to recover. I chose life, chose freedom, chose God, chose my God-given purpose and passion. Today I chose to take the first step on a long journey to my future. Today I chose to recover. Just for today. Because I’m taking this journey a day at a time. Focusing on what I need to for that day and leaving everything else to God and my team. So for today I chose recovery. I chose to start this journey. And I hope this time the journey doesn’t end. Because I’m ready to let go of my past, let go of ED, claim my victory, claim my future, and live my life for the only thing that matters—God. 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Two Big Announcements!

So much to update on and not enough time tonight to do it...but will try and post tomorrow if not definitely on Friday. Just had to come on for two big announcements.

Yesterday I may have chosen to eat a bagel, but I chose recovery. So Oct 23, 2013 is my recovery b-day. Which is great because my 2nd announcement is that it's this blogs 1-year b-day. Happy b-day Freedom Hunger...and happy start to the rest of my future!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

WIAW: First bite of recovery

Spooky Snacks and Healthy Halloween TreatsI decided to come back to future will be my freedom foods because I want to find pride in that again...but is special one...because today WIAW is about my first bite into recovery. Thanks Jenn for hosting.

Today (Tuesday) I ate a bagel. Well…I mean obviously I ate more than a bagel. But the important part is that I ate a bagel. Why? Why is that so crucial. I mean people eat bagels every day. Some in the morning as they quickly run to school or work. Some instead of bread at lunches. Others (at my school) as bagel pizzas for dinner. And still others for snacks. But for me…for me eating this bagel was so much more. Eating this bagel…it means this relapse is over.

You see the bagel is what I dropped from my intake when this relapse started. It is the thing ED has banned me from and taunted me with the past 15 days. Sadly..I have held out till I hit a certain weight..and that happened this morning. So eating this bagel should be easy right? WRONG!

As soon as I saw the weight on the scale ED said it was wrong. Somehow it didn’t count. He came up with a whole list of reasons I could let it count…and I started to buy into them. I had peed more than normal so it wasn’t the same. The scale one time said .2 higher so it wasn’t real. Let me just say…this is the psychosis my therapist talked about yesterday that comes in when you are so underweight and malnourished. Your brain literally buys into completely absurd things.

My mind was (and still is) saying since the weight I wanted wasn’t the first one I saw when stepped on scale and I had to pee a little extra to see it it doesn’t count (complete lie since I always pee before weigh) and thus I didn’t reach my goal. But reality is I have tried to pee before to lower my weight in days past and didn’t work…so this was real and bladder was as empty now as was then. This is how crazy ED makes you. Freaking urinating matters this much. Luckily God and my friends are reassuring me it counts…why wait another day for ED to just come up with more excuses it’s not real.

So then ED said…well your session with your nutritionist is tomorrow…so just wait till then. Luckily, again, God stepped in and had me reach out to my friends, therapist, and nutritionist about that. It took almost half the day (thanks Karen and  Melissa for sticking with me), but then I decided that was a dumb excuse.
Okay let’s say I wait till tomorrow. Well first off it’s slapping God in the face along with everyone who I vowed to I would come out of relapse when I hit this weight. But of course being so deep in ED that didn’t matter. Instead it hit me when I realized let’s say my weight fluctuated up tomorrow? Well then ED would use that as an excuse not to start yet again and then this relapse extends out even more. There would never be an end to the relapse.

So here I was and I had the weight I thought would make getting into recovery easy and it didn’t. What was stopping me? What was making me all the sudden want to wait for tomorrow when I had been so excited to be able to start today? It took coming back from class and seeing the scale for me to realize. You see I all the sudden wanted to weigh again, to see if the weight would be same (it obviously wouldn’t because of food and water in me)…and I realized I was upset I had hit this goal (not in the way I had imagined because of the stupid urination) and it was over. The relapse was over. The time with ED was over…and forever it would be. That by choosing to eat the bagel I was saying this was good enough to start recovery. That I would never again be this weight. It was over. And it just didn’t feel right.

I just felt like I needed another day..more comfort that I had accomplished my goal. That I had reached this weight. And that would come by another day of scale saying this number. But that isn’t what I agreed to. Here was reality. Reality was I hit 86 lbs. I hit it so yes I was 86 lbs, I was also sick, miserable, crazed, and tired. I was also tortured every moment by ED and scared of everything. But now…now I was meant to be on the road to recovery. I was meant to not by 86 lbs anymore and instead start gaining weight. I was mean to be strong, courageous, and a fighter. This was my sign and I needed to take it.

Part of me (the ED part probably) says I will forever look back and regret not waiting another day. That I will forever regret I had to pee in order to hit 86 lbs. For some reason…I don’t think recovered me will even remember if I had to pee extra in order to hit the weight. Honestly..I don’t think I will find any pride in hitting 86 lbs. I think I will just be sad I had to get that low to recover. I think I would more regret putting it off till tomorrow just so ED can get the weigh-in he wants. Just so he can have more control. I would regret disobeying God. I would regret waiting, having wt randomly flux up, and then not being able to go into nutritionist session ready to recover. Plus...I look back on past lapses and I don't even remember what weights my "cut-off" was. And I even think one time I ended it .2 lbs higher than was "supposed" to and it never drove me to lapse...and see I don't even remember now. So I really think this is just ED. 

I already had this 86.2 pee fiasco this weekend and regretted not starting then too. So…what am I going to do. I am going to eat bagel. Why? No, not because I hit a certain weight, but because this craziness sucks. Because I lost to 86 the way God wanted not the way ED wanted. Because by waiting till tom it is what ED wants…and that life…living for’s over. Btw, I am typing this trying to convince myself its okay. It’s not working and part of me is scared this will drive me to want to hit 86 the “right way” but maybe not doing that is meant to be my first victory against ED. All I I know the right thing to I will eat a bagel. Because it will never be right time for ED for me to recover...but is right day for me. 

Just an update here it is :) Along with first bite! 10:45 PM Oct 22, 2013....God won, ED lost...Recovery started

Monday, October 21, 2013

Then and Now

Well…weight wasn’t down today and so I am still in relapse. It’s ridiculous…we have all read how much this disorder is taking from me and I am desperate to break free…but I am letting  a number control me. Luckily, had great therapy session today and two big things came out of it for me. One, was the inspiration for this entry which is that my disorder did serve a purpose for me….I’ve just come to realize it no longer serves those purposes and thus it’s time to let go. The other I am just gonna touch on briefly.

I have realized that my disorder does provide me a sense of accomplishment. For some reason I think the only thing I have to offer this world and to be proud of is my ED and the ability to lose weight. But when my nutritionist asked what my goal weight is and I had to tell her 86.2 I didn’t want to. I felt ashamed because I knew it was wrong. In my ED mindset I think getting to that weight is an accomplishment. Somehow I don’t see my 4.0 or service work or research or anything like that as an accomplishment. Why? Because those things come easily to me and in my mind getting to this low weight takes a lot of work. But the reality is….recovery is a lot harder. And recovery is something to be proud of.

You know what will make others proud of me. Seeing me fight this thing and seeing me gain weight. It’s hard for me to equate weight gain and recovery steps with pride because I have been in such a driven pattern to lose weight. But this is the start of a new me and a new mindset. In reality gaining weight and recovering is a good thing. Part of it is I feel ashamed that eating a cookie or eating with people or getting fro-yo is something so hard for me and thus something I feel I have conquered when I do it. So I don’t want to feel proud of it.

 But I realized in our session…for some people making an A is very hard but to me it’s something that comes easy. Yet when one of my freshmen make an A I am super proud because I know how hard it is for them. I never once think: “Well an A is easy. How stupid that they are proud of that.” And people know eating and gaining weight is hard for me. So they will be proud of me and I deserve to be proud of myself. Because just like those people fight for an A, I will be fighting for recovery. And it will be much more of a fight and struggle than giving into ED is. And it will be something to be proud of. It won’t be like losing weight and being in ED which is just misery and something I am ashamed of, but recovery will be something I want people to know about and want to share. I will feel proud, and I will fight.

Now onto this post. Looking at how my disorder served me when I was little and developed it and how that plays out now.

Then, I needed a friend a feeling of love and ED gave me that. Now, I have friends and a relationship with my father that is built on love. I have also found God and his unconditional love. Honestly…all ED does is steal me from those relationships. Make me too scared to be with people. And the love I feel when I am with them…it’s better than how ED has made me feel. It’s basically like ED is an imaginary friend…but I have real life friends ED isn’t needed.

Then, ED distracted me from life so I could survive. As a young child I couldn’t cope with the emotional stresses of the abuse and bullying I was enduring. Now, I have a life I want to live. A life I love. All ED does now is make me too tired to experience this life. Makes me too focused on numbers and weight to even focus on life. It served a purpose when I was young to focus all my attention on numbers and weight and food because I needed to distract, but now I WANT to be a part of life…so that distraction is only doing harm not good. I have a life I want to live, so ED’s distractions aren’t needed.

Then, I came to college I clung to ED to distract me from the fact I was following a career path I had lost my passion for.  Now, I have a burning passion for my pursuit of my new path to animal-assisted social work. I love my classes, love the grad school I applied to, and love my idea of my future career. I don’t want to be distracted by ED or let ED steal my health so I can’t go to Denver. I don’t want ED to keep me from recovering which I need to do in order to be a social worker. ED is not helping me distract from a path I don’t want to take, but is standing as an obstacle to the path I want to pursue.

Then ED gave me something that made me unique. Something no one could make me change. Something I had control of in my life. Now, I realize ED controls me and I have much more control over recovery than over ED. Case and point: the fact I didn’t start new plan even though I am miserable all because ED deemed me to have a certain weight. Plus, there is so much in my life I do control…my grades, my path, my food choices, my relationships, what I do with my time. I am independent now. Not living under the rule of my family…so I don’t need ED to make me unique. I am just me. Plus, recovering from an ED is much more unique than suffering form an ED. Especially with the high relapse rate disorder of anorexia.

Then ED was the only way I could cry out for help. The only way I could express emotions. Tears weren’t accepted and secrecy was key. So I sent flares the only way I knew how…through food or lack thereof. IT worked…people paid attention either through putting me on diets or sending me to hospital. Now, I don’t want to be on diets or sent to hospital. Now I can let myself cry and use my voice. So basically again, ED serves no purpose. It made sense in an abusive household that I would form my own secret of binge-eating to give me comfort. I couldn’t say I was scared or needed a hug or tell what was going on in my house. Not to the outside. But I could do it through food to try and feel the void. I could make my own secrets like the adults in my life did. Later on in life, I could tell people I was scared or sad or whatever by getting smaller and smaller so they would notice me. Instead of just seeing an all-A everything is good Jessica and instead of me having to let them down by telling them I wasn’t perfect, I could lose weight so they would notice. But now…now I have learned to open up with words. Now, sadly, my ED is just a normal part of life with me and nobody knows if I am in it or out of it and it doesn’t scare people anymore, because it’s just how I am. Instead, I use my words and its so much more effective. And it keeps me out of the hospital which is where I don’t want to be. I don’t need ED to steal my emotions anymore because I have learned it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to not be okay. And there are people around me to love and support me and all I have to do is ask. I don’t need ED to tell people I’m not okay, I have my own voice.

So back then ED made a lot of sense. My life was spinning out of control and I was too young to know how to cope. I developed binge-eating disorder to fill the void I felt for love and comfort. As I gained weight I hoped people would see everything wasn’t okay. By it being my little secret it was something no one could take from me. Something I had control of. By focusing on food and what I would binge on next I didn’t have to focus on life. And then when I switched to anorexia…people were proud of me. It was something that made me unique…the ability to lose weight. I found a sense of pride and accomplishment in it. The obsession with calories still kept me distracted from life and my uncertainties. The time it took to spend with ED gave me a sense of companionship so I didn’t need relationships which could hurt me. And as I lost, people paid attention, and they sent me to hospitals and finally saw something was wrong.

But now…now ED doesn’t make sense. I have a life I love and want to be present in so I don’t need distraction. I have healed relationship with my family and have relationships with I don’t need comfort from ED. I have learned it’s okay to say things aren’t okay and my family and friends will be there, so I don’t need ED to do the talking for me. I have realized ED only steals my control and that there is so much in life I do my future and recovery, so I no longer need ED’s illusion. I  have found pride in my passion, my walk with God, my service….I have found that anorexia RECOVERY will make me unique as will my AASW profession..I don’t need ED to provide false accomplishment.

I am happy now. I have a life I want to live, people I want to love, a future I want to fight for. So did serve me a did protect me for some time, but I’m older now, wiser now, and with God I am stronger now. I have family and friends and a future and a life I love…and you just don’t fit. So thanks for protecting me when I was younger..really..thanks. But now you have become the thing that is hurting me and holding me back. Just like I had to move on to school without my dear stuffed animal by my side…it’s time to let go of you too. So thanks, it’s been real, but it’s time for me to move on. 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Reality and Costs of ED

Dear little Jess—
                I’m so sorry. I wish I could have somehow told you back then what I know now. That I could have saved you from the graps of ED and everything he has cost you. I can’t do that now though. I can’t change the past…all I can do is write this letter and hope it serves me and others in the future. All I can do now is tell the world the costs of eating disorders…specific to me now…anorexia. I will fight this….I will fight this because we have lost too much to this disorder…and it’s time we reclaim our ground. I love you and each day I fight, it will be me embracing you…giving you the love you so deserved back then.
Love ya, Jess

I’ve been avoiding writing this for a while, but today…I’m pissed at ED. Pissed at where ED has gotten me and what he has stolen from me. So I need to let it out…so on those days I feel a lure back to him…his sweet lies of trickey….I can read the truth and remain in the fight. And that's why I tried to keep with positive pictures to. Because this isn't to glorify ED, but to serve as inspiration to keep the fight!

Dear Future, Tempted Jess—
Right now ED might be tempting you. Telling you something he can provide you by you going back to him. It’s a lie. A complete lie. ED only hurts you and costs you so much. Maybe you are so far down the road of recovery or so overcome with fear you can’t remember the bad…so I am here to tell you what ED costs you. So I’m gonna tell you some stories here of your reality. Documentation of life with ED.


ED has robbed you of a normal relationship with food. Of seeing food as a gift for God. As fuel for your body. It has become mere calculations. A game of your self-will. And it’s a miserable game you can never win. Even if you stick to your calories or restricted exchanges your mind is in a constant worry about what the food will do to your weight. It’s misery. You don’t even taste or enjoy food anymore. You just fear it. The fear paralyzes you and it’s miserable.

You go to the dining hall knowing exactly the meal you are going to have. But your heart longs to allow yourself something else. Not even something “unhealthy” but something simple like beans instead of peas, a roll that’s white, or some grilled chicken. But even these healthy food petrify you. You stick to your plan and you are miserable. As you eat your plate you look around the dining hall at what other people are eating. ED no longer even tries to convince you they are pigs…because it doesn’t work. Because deep inside you want to be like everyone else. You want to be able to just eat whatever you want…but you are so overcome with unworth you don’t allow yourself. Your heart longs to be like all those people. To just eat what you want, what you crave. To trust exchanges, trust your nutritionist and stop obeying the good/bad, healthy/unhealthy, safe/fear foods ED has installed in your brain. But you are chained. You tell yourself it will be different and easier if you lapse…but it only gets harder.

If you even think of the possibility of eating something high-calorie your mind races. You try and add up and see how much more calories it will be than the day before to make sure it balances out and YOU AREN’T EVEN COUNTING CALORIES. You are still doing exchanges and yet calories control you. And not a significant amount. Just a mere extra 20-30 calories can become detriment. Even if it means eating what you want it doesn’t matter. It just can’t be allowed.

You continue to fear more and more foods. ED will tell you by restricting fear foods will get easier…it’s such a lie. You get more and more scared of foods that had become so easy. Because food isn’t fuel…it’s just something that can affect your weight. Every single morsel of food is questioned as to what it will do to your weight.

You are afraid of fruits and vegetables. The very things you tell the kids you nanny to eat more of you are terrified of. You have safe and unsafe list. Rules governing intake of the vegetables. Steamed only once a day and if you do it has to be limited to like 2 times a week. And for fruits you are safely allowed pears and apples, but you can’t bite into them. You have to cut them and not too close to the core because don’t want to have too much. If you have a food scale you weigh them. It’s ridiculous. ED has made even the healthiest food something to fear. And you hate it. Again, your heart longs to just eat the fruits and vegetables….but the fear is so great you cave into ED’s control. It’s misery.

You can’t eat with people. The guilt and control ED has over you keeps you from eating with other people. Plus you have to precisely measure everything you eat and don’t want them to see this habit that you know is so disordered. So you eat alone with your books…surrounded by people in the dining hall but completely alone.

Your heart longs to be allowed to eat dessert and ED keeps you from it. You see people grabbing cookies from the dining hall and your heart cries out to be able to do it. “Just once, Jess. Just this once….come on…just grab one…it will be okay.” But no. ED has you wrapped in your weight being more important that your desires and your freedom. So you sit and watch all those “lucky” people who get to eat cookies. ED tries to convince you they are weak, but it doesn’t work . You want to have the strength they have to be able to just grab a cookie, just eat a dessert.

You even make stockpiles of the food you one day want to allow yourself. Just in case ED loosens the reigns and let’s you have it. But you always end up having to toss it because you never eat it. And when you know there is something you want to eat you don’t tell your nutritionist because you know she will give you permission to eat it. ED knows this would loosen the graps he has on you, so instead he keeps you focused on fears instead of freedom. On hoarding the food and looking at it every day as a reminder of what you aren’t allowed.

You have an amazing nutritionist but ED won’t let you trust her. You so just want to lay down and stop fighting the challenges she prescribes you. You want to be able to eat all the fear foods she says. But you make excuses and don’t. You want to trust the exchanges she gives you….but fat grams, calories, sodium…they control you instead. You just want to eat normally but ED deafens you to the one person who can teach you how.

You have to precisely measure each and every thing you eat and even then you don’t trust the measuring cups you are given. It takes you almost an hour just to prep your meals because everything has to be precisely measured. And even then it’s not good enough. Even then you are eating too much. Because ED never allows you a moment of peace. He robs you of that.  

You sneak food out of the dining hall just to weigh it and sneak it back in. And you have a stash of food that are substitutes for the dining hall options all because they are 10 or so less calories. You won’t drink milk in dining hall because you found 60-calorie milk. It’s expensive as heck, but finances, life, normalcy…none of it matters as much as those 30 dang calories.

You don’t trust food or the people who make it. You are always convinced its mislabeled or someone added something to your food. It’s like the whole world is out to get you. Somehow the whole world is so focused on you and making you bigger. It’s even simple things. Like steamed carrots…you are always convinced someone salted them or added butter or something. And always freak that you have gotten too much. IT’S CARROTS! Freaking carrots. This is the extreme level of fear ED brings you.

You can’t go through a drive-through to get a drink because you are convinced they will mess up and give you the wrong drink. At starbuck’s you have to go in and watch them make your drink or you will throw it away. And even if you do watch them make it ED still tells you it’s wrong and you missed the moment they added the wrong thing.

You are afraid of hunger and fullness…basically any feeling related to food. If you are too full you are convinced you ate too much. And you are so scared of hunger you will wait in misery to not start eating till late in the day. Then at night you will be so stuffed trying to get all your food in that you will be in agony. And you promise yourself tomorrow will be better…but it’s not…because you wake up and are scared again that if you eat you will be hungry that night. You are constantly fighting your body. It’s normal signals have become something you fear. And if you are hungry before the right time to eat you sit in agony: stomach pain, nausea, mind racing on food………instead of eating. All because it’s not the right time.

You can’t even allow yourself tiny allowances. You have been craving mustard for weeks but can’t allow yourself the extra calories. So many times you want a piece of gum, but you can’t because of those 5 extra calories. This is your life. Your whole focus. On keeping the numbers and your intake just right. And won’t feel stronger or better because you do it. In fact…you feel more miserable because you feel you will never be normal.

You are obsessed with how “active” you have been. You miss events and even church in order to workout. And you push yourself to the extreme in the exercise you are allowed. It is all about burning calories. And it doesn’t matter if you are sore or tired. You push through anyway. And it sucks. Every second of it sucks and when you finish it is never enough. You always need more.

Because your focus is weigh-ins you literally spend hours of the day in panic if you don’t go poo. Something most people don’t spend a single second thinking of can literally make or break your day. You have literally lost sleep because you don’t poo and been brought to tears by the fear of how that will affect the next weigh-in.

And you freak out about your weigh-ins being “perfect.” You have literally missed class or been late just so you can weigh at the exact same time. And it’s never good enough. If it’s down too little then it’s just a fluctuation and you aren’t really losing. If it’s up the tiniest amount then you are ballooning. The scale only brings peace to you when you are following your plan and letting the number be your concern only in sessions when discussing it with the professionals who need to know it.

You are basically at war with food and your body and you don’t want to be. As much as ED is luring you right now telling you a short lapse will make you feel better…let me tell you from day 1 you will be in misery. I am in a lapse right now and by day 2 my mentality and behaviors were back to my worst days in ED and by day 3 there were even worse and I wanted out desperately. Every day I want to trust my body, my hunger, my cravings. To just let go and eat normally. But ED keeps me held back and beaten down by telling me I am undeserving. The strength you are assured will come by your ED actions never comes. Nope…ED just robs you of the life you want and the normalcy in eating you so crave.

You don’t deserve this misery. You don’t deserve to have to deny your cravings. To spend hours at store just looking at what you wish you could eat or at blogs of food you wish you could have or restaurant menus building the perfect meal you would never allow yourself. You deserve instead to have those experiences. You deserve to be able to trust food, but with ED you can’t. Food is just a number and an enemy. Your whole life is focused on controlling your weight and food is the way to do that. But trust me….as much as ED may be saying that is better than gaining weight or whatever you are facing…it’s a lie. Because every day with ED you want to be in recovery…but most days in recovery you are happy you aren’t with ED.

Relationships and Life

Anytime you travel either home, to family’s, or when you went to Denver you are terrified of what food will be there. Your brain can’t even think about the fun you might have or the time you will get to spend with others. Nope…it’s completely focused on the food. What will be there? Will it make you gain? What will people think? You have lost such precious time spent with people because the whole time you are thinking about food….letting food control you.

You have lost countless holidays with family. Again…it’s all about food. Heck, when you go to easter service at church you are terrified if they will make you do communion. And when you went to visit your dying grandpa ED made you so scared about having to go to a resteraunt and how you were going to avoid eating that you missed the time with your grandpa. Food has become more important than family. It’s all you can think about.

And when you do go to holidays others are so scared that you won’t eat they make you special meals but you can’t even trust that. People are so scared to hurt you they don’t even speak to you. And you are so scared they will ask about your food or weight you don’t even talk to them. So while other people laugh and experience life together you sit in the corner and text your support in desperation because you can’t let go of food thoughts. You are with your family in body….but your mind…it’s with ED.

ED has cost you a normal college experience. You can’t eat with people so you eat alone in the dining hall every day and have since freshmen year. People go out to eat at restaraunts on Sundays and you so want to, but can’t bring yourself to. You turn down opportunities to go out with people because you know you will have to get food and it won’t be your safe options. You so want to go get fro-yo with friends, but ED stops you. Instead of eating out with people you research menus of restaraunts and plan what meals you would have if you were “allowed.” You live vicariously through pics people take of themselves out with friends…living life, being social with food….and yet you are trapped because ED has you bound in fear.

ED has kept you from relationship with friends. Reality is people eat when they are together and you are so scared by the possibility of being offered food you just avoid it altogether. And your day is so regimented and focused on meal times that you only allow small windows to be with people. And when you are with them you are usually worrying about what you just ate or will ate or how much you weigh or if you are burning calories. You don’t get to experience time with people and so you just stay alone. Shut away in your room longing to be a part of the world but held back by ED.

You want to ask these people to push you and go out to fro-yo or restaurants with you, but you are scared they will push you or that maybe, just maybe, you will enjoy yourself. And you are scared because ED tells you they will think you are weird or abnormal and so he keeps you hidden away. You are never given the chance to experience time with friends. You don’t even ask for the experiences you want or the freedoms you want to fight for.

ED has kept you from dating. First off every guy becomes off limits because you aren’t good enough. And then…even if they were to ask you on a date your fear of their being food on this date would freak you out. Plus you go through every day focused on food and exercise and check lists and to-dos. There is no time to even make relationship with a guy. Yet, again, your heart longs to. But ED holds you back.

And your relationship with God…it’s not immune either. In fact, ED makes God’s love of you be dependent on the scale or on whether you poo. God is the first to blame if your weight is up and the last reason you acknowledge if it doesn’t balloon. You so want to give Him control of your weight and just trust, but ED says He can’t be trusted. You want to allow Him to guide your cravings and food choices, but ED tells you you can’t push that far. God wants to make you a conqueror and to see how strong He can be through you, but ED keeps you beaten down.

You deserve to experience life, love, laughter. You deserve to be able to live the life and eat the foods you want. Not to live through food blogs and restaurant websites. Not to have your only friends be the ones you have met in treatment or on websites. Yes, they are amazing support, but you deserve the chance to make real relationship. You deserve to be able to ask for support with meals and to be able to express that you are scared to go out to eat with people, but are going to do it anyway. You deserve to use relationship to push you out of ED. You deserve a life focused on living and on serving God instead of on food and weight. There is so much more out there for you than food and weight…don’t let ED keep robbing us of seeing that.

So what does ED rob you of…that can be summed up quite easily…he robs you of the life you want. When it comes to food, notice that each thing ED makes me do is exactly what I don’t want to do. I want dessert so ED doesn’t allow it. I want to eat with people so ED makes that my fear. I want to break free of fear foods so ED makes me fear even more of them. I want to be able to eat whatever I want so ED holds me back to only experiencing this through others. I want relationship with others so ED makes me too exhausted and scared to be with others. Even when I am with others ED keeps me from truly being there.

So no matter what is scary right now Jess. No matter how much the fight seems like you should give up. Please, please fight. I am in a lapse right now and I don’t want to be back here. I am exhausted and living in this misery over a lousy .2 lbs. That is how desperate ED is to keep you beaten down. I went to the doc and have a deadly low heart rate and pulse…but .2 lbs is more important. We don’t deserve this and it’s up to you and the strength God gives you to keep fighting. Fight for us Jess. Trust and fight. Reach out and fight. Do whatever you have to, but DO NOT GIVE UP!

Counting on you,


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Nutrition Goals

I have decided to write a list of goals I want to accomplish. Specific ways I want to fuel my future and today I finally got the time and freedom to do just that. Tomrrow on duty so be up quite late and hoping get some more deep emotional writings out...but tonight brain dead so wanted the fluffy goal-based stuff. Will make these goals a tab and also keep you all updated when I check them off :) Ignore the's things I realized while posting this and thus need to add to my list

So basically I’ve come to realize there are some themes with how I want eating to be:
  •  I want to give in completely to your teaching and remove my ability to say “No” in sessions when it comes to fear foods, timings, and other prescriptions/assignments. I’m never going to learn if I don’t let you teach/push me.
  • I want to push the “safety” ED pretends to give me. I just get so safe with my eating and I don’t want to gain the weight and still be eating like a person with an ED. I need to fuel my future when it comes to food too and start eating NOW how I want to eat in FUTURE. Some things may be baby steps, but I need to give it a chance. Besides eating safe and still gaining weight makes me feel more guilty
  • I know some of these things probably aren’t “healthy” so you can feel free to get rid of them because may be my binge eating/unhealthy eater coming in. Like desserts weekly (or even maybe multiple times week) I know it isn’t healthy…but I think it may be freeing. And fast food isn’t healthy, but feel should learn to do it
  •   And another big thing is relying on exchanges not numbers because I get in this track of comparing cals I ate today to yesterday and all that. I definitely think pushing myself more will help this because I will be able to focus on challenges not on calories.

This list may grow as I realize more things I don’t allow myself, but this seems good starting point. Had fun making it…but realizing we will probably do it is definitely scary thought.


  1. What Katherine says goes which means no saying no to
    1. Timing
    2. Fear Foods (ie if she says do turkey burger then I have to do it…that’s more waiting for good time because that’s just ED control)
    3. Exchanges (even if I think should be more because higher cal
    4. Nutritionist-built meal
  2. Exchanges not cals (either know from list or ask Katherine)
  3. Freedom with bagel toppings (maybe to ensure this make do fear ones certain times per week)
  4. Eat with people (even if this means eating a snack/meal in our session to start)
  5. Eat when Katherine deems normal time
    1. Eat earlier if hungry
  6.  Eat b-fast in dining hall at least one time on weekend
  7. New snack ideas (not the “diety” ones I lean to)
  8. Branch out with fruits and veggies=no rules around
    1. With fruits I only allow one high cal fruit a day and usually only 1-2 times a week, always have prunes in morning, avoid bananas and raisins, purposely get bruised so know don’t have to eat all
    2. With veggies I only allow steamed once a day and always balance with “safer” raw like cucumber or pepper
  9.  Allow myself salt
  10. Comfortable with salmon
  11. When able eat b-fast or part b-fast before class
  12. Eat peanut butter
  13. Freedom with yogurt, not just 80 calories but also the 90/100 calorie ones
  14. Freedom with milk: have in dining hall instead rely on the kind I have in room that is mega-protein but lower calorie
  15.  Freedom with bagel flavors (ie…Everything bagel)
  16.  Freedom with breads (ie not just Roman meal….maybe do pita bread or roll instead
  17. Freedom with sides (ie not have to have peas every day at least once)
  18. Eat dessert on non-exercise day
  19.   This is semi in-future and not even sure of it but allow self treat every day (used to have a dark chocolate every day but did it instead of fat at b-fast because thought was cheating system…now I would never do such a thing)
  20. Freedom with almonds (ie not just cinnamon ones which are lower cal/fat)

In Future- School Based

  1. Allow myself condiments (ie mustard)
  2. Eat bagel in dining hall
  3. Not measure spread on bagel
  4. Eat main line dish (certain times per week?)
  5. Eat at special event night
  6. Have non-healthy b-fast (aka not Kashi Go Lean/healthy cereals/oatmeal)
  7. Eat dessert without planning it
  8. Freely grab dining hall cookie or fro-yo cone
  9.   Allow day where every meal/snack is freedom food or selected by nutritionist just to see how real normal person eats (and to give into the temptation I sometimes get to just let myself go…just for one day…just to see)
  10. Eat if hungry even if done plan
  11. Eat beyond plan one time just to see I can (and not a fruit/veg)
  12. Have a day without safe tuna meal (aka scary lunch and dinner or fish at both)
  13. Free from fiber obsession (not sure how to do this…unless somehow ban fiber one altogether)
  14.  Not measure/think about fat grams unless it’s a fat exchange (not sure how to overcome this or the calorie counting really…but I am tired of it)
  15.  Have a Sunday where don’t eat my flounder/chicken typical meal
  16. .   Learn to eyeball not measure meat
  17.  Eat with door open instead of feeling I have to hide

Restaurant/Home Based

  1.  Eat what family eating when go home (except obviously if red meat/pizza)
  2. Go through drive thru
  3. Eat Jimmy John’s
  4. Eat Pita Pit
  5. Eat Chick-fil-a
  6. Get diet lemonade at chick-fil-a
  7.  Have girl’s Chinese night with mom
  8.  Eat dessert I cook instead of just cooking it
  9. Eat at restaurant
  10. Get unlabeled dessert or bakery item from store
  11.  If something look good at store buy it and then look at nutrition facts after (or is it normal to look at nutrition facts at store
  12.   Get calorie drink at starbucks
  13.   Get snack at gas station (need to learn how to do this in case there are road trips or get stuck in traffic and get hungry)
  14.    Eat raw cookie dough or when baking for someone allow lick batter

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Reality of Relapse

ED told me going into this relapse that it would be okay. It was actually going to be beneficial because I would stick to good portions and the contract, just adjust my intake. And then, come back at my next N appt on Oct 23rd ready to start gaining again. It seemed perfect…and it was…because it was a complete lie. I forgot the reality of relapse I have realized each time I start to only makes you worse. This is day 10 of relapse…and I have undone all the work I put into the almost three weeks on contract.
This is the reality of relapse. The first day sucks honestly. ED picks on you and reminds you how he was right and you can’t eat and that’s why you have to relapse. He scares you it won’t work and tries to convince you to restrict even more than you originally planned. Luckily I had support that kept me from doing that. Still you are exhausted and torn inside because you know you really don’t want to do this…but you just feel you have to.

 The next day may be actually okay. You are restricting, but sticking to the other aspects of your contract and even the portions. And look…you are losing weight! It’s so exciting and you are feeling like you can eat and still lose weight. But somewhere in the day your fears will pop back up and you will be scared you won’t lose the next day and ED will tempt you to exercise more.

This will continue and you get more and more tired and more and more obsessed. Things you worked so hard to overcome fears of become too scary to eat. Veggies and fruits become feared again. The fear foods your nutritionist prescribed you to do become optional. Everything becomes about losing weight. And you are freaking exhausted. Beyond tired exhausted. In fact, you have to miss church and meetings and time with friends because you are so cold and shaky and exhausted….you can’t function. Studying becomes a chore and life becomes exhausting.

You become desperate to hit that magic weight so you can eat again because your body is screaming for food. You are completely miserable. And you are so hungry that soon into relapse…at least by day three…your timing gets horrible. You start hoarding your snacks for night. And all that causes you to get constipated again, but you get scared how that will impact your weight so you use laxative which wrecks havoc on your system.

So here you are…probably only 6 or so days into relapse and what has happened: your freedom foods are back to fear foods, you are going against what your nutritionist said to do as fear foods and thus breaking contract, you are exhausted and constipated, you are weighing daily and thus breaking contract, you are breaking timing and thus breaking contract. And then…you are so sick you stop losing weight. So you reduce even more and to make things even better you bring in the food scale again….literally losing all parts of the contract.

And so you reach day 10 like I am in now and you are sick and tired of this relapse but driven to lose to that magic weight. This isn’t fun, it isn’t good, it isn’t helpful, and you feel more out of control than ever. Add to that the fact you went to doc and your pulse is only 42 bpm and your blood pressure only 82/52. You were so exhausted at Ultimate Frisbee game you missed a game changing point. You are so tired it’s hard to study for the exam you need to do well on. And yet none of it matters. In a few days you life has gone from being focused on future, on God, on a number. This is relapse…this is the reality.

So let’s see…ED said it would be short….but you are on day 10, wanting it to end, and probably stuck in it longer…so that was lie. ED said it would be helpful, but you are measuring veggies and fruits again and scared of an extra few calories every day…so that again was lie…it’s harmful not helpful. ED said it would feel great and make you feel in control…instead you are constipated, exhausted, your body is shutting down, and you feel absolutely out of control. ED said you would stick to contract…but there is no part of contract even still in effect. This is relapse and the nature of ED. ED robs you of life, of living, of truth. And he traps you to. He traps you to a magic weight or magic date keeping you stuck in misery. This is reality. So next time ED lies to you and tells your relapse is the answer….focus on the reality…relapse is Hell…relapse is death…and ED is a liar. 

I honestly trusted this relapse. I trusted it would make me more secure in my recovery somehow. But honestly. I am more scared than I have ever been. I am scared that I will push my body too far. I have never had this low blood pressure. Never had circles this dark around my eyes. Never been so scared that I may be putting my disorder before my very life. And yet...I'm so deep in relapse that looking back...I would still choose to lapse. That is what this disorder does to you. I can't wait to break free of this relapse...and of this ED once and for all. Be on lookout. Next post is about what ED robs me of. Basically will be letter to self.