Well..today it happened. The weigh-in that made me sit between trust and relapse. Sure..I was scared by weigh-in on Friday, but it was still less than a lb gain so I felt okay. Then had this weekend…even went for run and had yest where was so hungry. So I was sure I had been “good enough” to have a “good” weigh-in (aka not have gained anymore). Well this morning that wasn’t the case and my weight had shot up another lb. That makes the gain since Tues over 2lbs and since Wed almost two lbs.
I freaked. Legit freaked. Wish I could say I swallowed my fear and trusted…but that wasn’t case. Honestly..my first thought was this plan has got to go. I reached out to my support and told them I had to change plan and e-mailed N in a panic. But in my heart I knew I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to lapse again. I didn’t want to throw everything away, lose back to the low number, only to have to do it all over again. Sure things didn’t go my way..but why keep going through the misery of relapse just to get things to go my way. Sure it’s not the same as was last time…but maybe fact more rapid this time shows the damage this lapse did.
In that moment though I was terrified and the security blanket of ED I always run to wasn’t there. Well…it was…but I refused to cling to it. I didn’t want to prove everyone right. All those who don’t think I can do this outpatient. I wanted to show I can do this…I just didn’t know how. So I packed up my b-fast minus the added almonds and went to class awaiting my nutritionist response and in class it came. I wasn’t allowed to decrease. So as much as I hated it…I went through today and did my whole plan.
Luckily my weigh-in days are also therapy days and I had an amazing session. In fact my session made me happy the weigh-in went the way it did because it allowed me to cry and get out the fear. Instead of having an easy weigh-in like I wanted and having a therapy session that was surface level this session got deep. Deep in to my fears. My fears of finding a new security blanket to hold onto. Because I don’t want to relapse again. I don’t want to cling to ED…but it scares me to not do what I have always done. It just feels wrong. But Ed...he is a worn out security blanket...or more fitting for me...a torn up, spit on, slobbered on, dragged through mud stuffed animal. But God...He is my lion stuffed animal I sleep with every night. He is warm, clean, bright...and provides new comfort.
I don’t want to cling to ED. The letter I wrote myself assures me of that. Sure ED says if I listen to him and lose the weight we can just start again and keep doing that till I only gain a lb the first week. Well…that happened last time and I ended up lapsing yet again when the next weigh-in didn’t go as planned. I am tired of it. I am never going to gain weight and recover if I keep letting weigh-ins that don’t go my way send me back to start. Recovery isn’t going to be perfect. Weigh-ins aren’t going to be exact and I have to get okay with that. I can’t keep running to ED..I need to put my trust in something else.
I know this should be God, but honestly every time these weigh-ins happen I get mad at Him. I wonder why He would let something like that happen. Why recovery can’t just be easy. He is God…can’t He just makes this easy to get over. Make everything be nice, neat, and perfect. Yes, He could…but He isn’t and I have to trust there is a purpose in that. Most likely so I can appreciate His strength and lean on Him and actually learn. So I can get stronger. Just like in running…it takes a lot of sore legs to get (aka ice) through in order to run a race or get a PR…but it’s worth it. So weigh-ins like today will be worth it.
And the fact that I did my plan today…relied on God’s strength and did it…it shows I really trust. If weigh-in was easy today I wouldn’t really be trusting the plan yet or committing to recovery…I would just be clinging to a number. These past few days that’s what I have been doing. Just trusting in the hope my weight would only be a lb this week and that would mean I could trust my N. So I wasn’t trusting my N…but making her earn my trust through the security of a “safe” weigh-in. But with this weigh-in…that security was ripped from me and I had to decide if I was going to trust ED or trust God and my team. For today I trusted the latter. And you know what…that’s all that matters right now. All that matters is today…tomorrow I will have to choose again..but for today I chose God. I chose life. I chose recovery. I chose not going back to what is “easy” or routine…and instead I chose to fight. I hope you will do the same.