This is going to be a very hopeful and happy post so hope y’all enjoy. It’s a lot about my motivations, inspirations, and goals for future and how I started the change for the new year today…on the last day of 2014….so this year ends on a high note too! Just to prove it’s never to late to rewrite the ending.
So I’ve been struggling lately with meal timing. Rocking out everything else, but slowly meals later and later causing me more and more panic and increasing my fear of eating anywhere close to normal. But I don’t want this to be the case. I want to eat earlier not only for my schooling (aka getting in bed earlier) but also for my new roomies. I don’t want to be up late eating and disturbing them.
That’s the thing I’m so excited about for next semester/year is my new roommates. It’s amazing what feeling love from people does to your motivation. Having roommates who I actually care about and who care about and respect me has made me what to improve myself to help out not just me, but them. They haven’t been here the past two weeks because of travels, but they are all coming back Sat and it’s kind of like I want to clean up my act for them lol.
So that brings me to meal timing. Starting tonight I am using my new recovery coach (will update It doesn’t matter how the past 364 days have gone…I still have today to write my happy ending. That goes for you too.more later, but this is a person in my life who has really come alongside me in recovery. We are making weekly goals between us and my therapist that I stick to. Goals related to foods/behaviors. And she is there daily to help support me. IT’s awesome). WE have set up a certain time for me to start cooking dinner by, that way dinner eating earlier, and all meal plan in by 12 AM (I have been eating as late as 2:30 AM). And why wait for new year? I want 2014 to end on a high note. On a victory. Instead of on me eating late yet again. I can and will do this!
So with all that said…onto a little New Year’s themed post. Today going to write what I am looking forward to bringing with me from 2014 into 2015 and tomorrow will write my 2015 specific goals and new things to start.
So from 2014 that I am bringing and so excited about (even if most of them just started):
- Recovery coach and our goals: though CJ just came back in my life a few weeks ago, the work we have accomplished is amazing. We are setting weekly goals and come 2015 will be joining in my therapist too. All to get me to have the life I have always dreamed of.
- Working at Melllow Mushroom: I love Mellow! I love serving. It’s such a blessing….every time I leave it is on a high. I am still having to learn how to handle the good and bad tip nights, but I love my Mellow.
- New roomies: as I mentioned these girls are saving my life without even knowing. It’s really crazy. I just feel so much love and it is making me want to become more “normal” so I can be with them more. Eating, laughing, enjoying. Like I want to eat earlier so I can eat with them and also so not up late disturbing them by being in kitchen…..didn’t care about that with old roomies was just scared they would be in kitchen not allowing me to use it…total 180 now. I want to have more normal behaviors and have actually looked into my tendency to stash up food because I want to clear out space in fridge for them and I don’t want them seeing disordered things. In old apartment I didn’t even see some of the things I was doing as disordered because I was just so scared anytime I was eating because was scared they would start their abuse. Now it’s more like…I don’t want to tear things anymore because don’t want them to see because I know it’s disordered. I actually care. I know they won’t judge me…it’s just I am now aware it’s not normal all thanks to them. Same goes with the food I have. I am realizing it’s not “normal” to have several packages of every kind of basic bagel flavor just in case you crave one. What’s normal is having a few flavors and not buying them till you run low.
- Relationship with mom: my mom and I are closer than ever before and I enjoy every second of it. I love my mom and honestly this is a big blessing from losing my dad..I have begun to open up to my mom.
- Bible study & God: LOVE my new bible study and can’t wait to share more on blog about it. I am also starting to rely on God more and hope 2015 brings reliance AND trust.
- Motivation: Even on my bad days I am on fire for recovery and I am hoping to bring this motivation into the new year for me
- Therapist: LOVE my new therapist. Only three sessions and already so much healing. She is Christian, recovered from an ED, and is everything I hope to one day be.
And I will post more goals tomorrow and things/goals for 2015. Also will send pics because tonight I am tossing things of 2014 I don’t want to carry along (negativity, fear, ED behaviors) by tossing this onion bagel I tore a long time ago. It’s hard for me to do that….to toss food. But it is something that’s normal and should do and I’ve had this bagel for a month and it is symbolic of an ED behavior! So when the ball drops it will drop in trash too!
And to ring in 2015 I am starting with good meal timing (a new thing for 2015) and a past favorite dessert (arctic zero and popcorn) to symbolize carrying in something of the past!