Thursday, August 27, 2015

Cupcake: Take (or shall I say Taste)2: Lemon Icebox Flavor

This time did Scrump's Lemon Icebox

So tart, but still soooo good. Think though this flavor is one you have to be in the mood for. It's definitely lemony. Some bites like a lemonhead and others like a lemon meringue.

And since it's still close to b-day made a wish

First bite the greatest

Even good as a tiny slice heated up

But be careful....a little top heavy and may have cupcake casuality.

Still...made it through.....stomach pain, nausea, and all. Here is to hope, victory freedom.

Choose Love, Lose Fear

Well I was in shock and awe when I weighed this morning. All of that fear yesterday, all of the anxiety….and my weight was DOWN this morning. Cupcake and all it was down. And you know what….this was one time where I didn’t have to say to myself: “Man I wish I didn’t let the fear thoughts rob me so much yesterday.” Because on my b-day I did something different. I felt the fear, I acknowledged it, and I just let it go. Instead of buying into and trying to counter all my fears about weight gain, etc. I just told myself. Yes…it’s possible I will gain. It’s also possible I won’t. I can choose which possibility I want to give more time to. And I did…I chose the later. And it allowed me to enjoy my birthday, my cupcake, and changed the fear to excitement.

Today, on the other hand…I learned what happens when fear gets to run free. You see, I woke up with stomach all kinds of upset (likely from cupcake) but then later on in day wanting to try another cupcake. And this time have it as I wanted to have it…as simply a snack, not a meal and snack (granted its my 350 calorie plus dairy/fruit/PB snack). This terrified me and ED began to tell me how weight was only down because overcounted and replaced meal and snack yesterday with the cupcake. Instead of listening and letting this fear go, I clung to it. I tried to battle it…and by doing that, it only increased.

It engulfed me like a wildfire. ED had a hold and he wasn’t letting go. He went on to tell me a new fear: weight was only down because cupcake hadn’t hit my system yet. So really, if I just waited for tomorrow, I would see. Weight would be up, ED would be right, and I would see I can’t eat desserts. Now surely if this was the case I couldn’t do cupcake today. Again, I tried to counter instead of release this fear and ED had his claws in deeper.

From here it became.  This is unhealthy and will cause you to become a binge eater. You can’t eat dessert two days in a row. If you do you will never be able to stop, will have dessert every day, will gain weight, and become obese. So what had started as a small, dismissable thought, had evolved into a fear rampaging my future.

Not only that, but once I let the spirit of fear seep over me it seeped into other aspects of my life. Suddenly the peace I had around school work become fear around failing again. Or around not having time to finish assignments.

And then the worst of my fears came…and I am sad to say I think it ruined a relationship I cherished
. My fear of inadequacy and people leaving me. I have started a new relationship and it was really blossoming. But I let this fear take over and I learned not only can fear ravage and spiral, but it also can become self-fulfilling. I was so so scared he would find out about ED that somehow in trying to hide ED, I talked about food way too much and he started to question how much I ate. I know weird questions right. Then I let my fear he would see the true me, the flawed, imperfect side of me, deem me too much, and leave. So I started to panic and text him way too much. And behave in the exact way to get him to back away…and at end of the night he did. And I am scared it’s done for good.

I didn’t even realize all this till went to gym and a guy hit on me and I didn’t have this fear of being left in my head and we ended up hitting it off. Even exchanging numbers. This is when I realized my great interaction with the new guy yesterday filled me with the same joy as interacting with the guy at the gym. You know what was missing in both these scenarios: fear.

So fear related to the cupcake (Which I did go out and get and am going to enjoy tonight despite fear) has led me to dread instead of be excited about havin another cupcake. Fear of class is making me dread and dislike course work and even avoid it. And fear of relationship led me to feel guilty and worthless in my interactions.

On the other hand, yesterday on my b-day when I let the fear go. Acknowledged but didn’t engage it…I felt joy. I felt love. I felt excitement. I felt expectancy. I believed for the potential of the best outcome…and I was happy. Truly happy. I was me again. So today I have learned a big thing I no longer want in my life: fear. I have learned what the scripture about love and fear really means. “Perfect love casts out all fear.” And it’s so true. When I didn’t have fear I was full of love, light, joy. But I think this goes the other way too..Fear casts out perfect love. Because today I wasted so many precious, amazing moments tormented by fear.

Still, I have ended up on top. Because I have this cupcake, I am releasing the fear, and I am trusting the Lord. Fear is just too draining. And with this relationship…I am not sure what will come or if damage can be undone, but I am sure I will learn from it and enter the next relationship or next interaction in this relationship differently. I am tired of clinging to what could go wrong and all the fear around that, and instead want to approach challenges, life, and relationships with an open mind to all that could go right.

Cupcake: I could see that I don’t gain and be able to have one every week
ClasseS: could be most amazing semester full of growth and repaired relationship
Relationship: could end up being most amazing, God-filled relationship and be person I marry.

See when I put that as my focus I already feel lighter and happier. Figure it’s worth a shot. Choosing to trust in perfect love and choosing to cast out all fear. One moment, one breath, one step (and bite) at a time (pics of cupcakes to come).

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Happy (re)Birthday to Me!

 Well today was my b-day and what seemed like a complete disaster of a b-day turned into one of the best birthdays I’ve had.

To start off, it was first day of classes so I had to get up way earlier than normal and stomach didn’t feel good. Even after bad weigh-in I told myself I would do as I had committed…I would eat a damn cupcake for my b-day. And not some cheap Publix cupcake, but a cupcake from a shop with no calories, no fat, no numbers of any kind known. Just the sweet taste of freedom.

I drove to school, got to class early and was enjoying all my classes (even the one I was dreading) until the text came. The bakery I had chosen was out of the one flavor I wanted: Key Lime. And the person who went to get the cupcake for me (because I was in class till 7 pm and the shop would be closed) had left without getting me anything because they didn’t know what flavor to get.

And I got desperate and angry and all the sudden just wanted to restrict and not eat all day. Couldn’t find anyone else to go out and felt alone and worthless. Just about this time, I was also overcome with headache, nausea, and sore throat had felt since that morning. Come to find out, my boss and clients from yesterday had fever and same symptoms that seemed to be bronchitis. As the minutes and hours passed I got more depressed and more sick. The only part at all I was happy about was all the lovely texts and warm wishes I had gotten and the calls had exchanged with mom.

Then God taught me as He always does to trust Him. Trust His plan. Well, I got to my last class to find out we would be getting out early aka in time for me to get my cupcake. Which was honestly how I wanted to do it. I wanted to walk in and get the cupcake myself. And, because I was sick and at this point clearly feverish and with horrid sore throat, teacher let me go even earlier.

So I got to go to the bakery myself. I wrote the owner’s a note about my story and gave it to them

and, since the lady there saw it was my b-day and took pity on me I guess, she let me have the cupcake for free. So I chose the best option for someone on their b-day…..Birthday Cake flavored (Vanilla cake with Vanilla buttercream and sprinkles). Was so excited and scared. But mostly excited.

Then I went to my recovery group which was amazing as always and they even got me little mini cupcakes. And one of them played me piano which she hasn’t played since before she went into her addiction, but she said she wanted to use God’s gift for His glory again and couldn’t think of a better person to gift it to. It was most moving thing ever. And I felt so loved and so supported.

I then got HUGE craving for fro-yo and cocoa which I would never allow myself on a dessert day, but mom offered to buy since the cupcake was free and so I got it J
Not only that, but got text from my new match on eHarmony and we decided to do a phone call because he wanted to tell me happy b-day in voice not just text. It was most amazing phone call had in a while and we really hit it off.

I got home and was cooking only to realize I had no candles or lighter. So off to store I ran. But by now it was 11 pm and I was scared wouldn’t make it by midnight. Went to gas station to get lighter and even splurged on scratch offs (only won a free ticket but it was fun).  Then went to Walgreens and the lady in line saw it was my b-day and refused to let me buy my own candles so she bought them for me. IT was almost midnight, so I blew out my first candle in the car and raced home. I HAD to get the first bite of cupcake in by midnight.

As I drove each red light turned green and I stared the clock down. 11:55 it read, 11:56. And then as I got home, lit the candle, and sang myself happy b-day it was 11:59 and I blew out my candle and took the first bite of my cupcake. The first sweet, amazing bite of my victory as a 23 year old.

So yes, it seemed like everything was going wrong. But as God always shows me, when everything seems to be going wrong, He is working it out to be just right. Had cupcake shop not been out of flavor, I wouldn’t have been able to go out there. Had I not been sick, may not have gotten out of class soon enough to get to shop. Had cupcake not been free, wouldn’t have splurged. Had I not been out of lighter and candles, wouldn’t have experienced love of a stranger. All in all, was an amazing birthday. Got great gift from aunt, call from brother, love from family and friends, and countless blessing from God.  I ate HUGE APPLE, HUGE BANANA, and all my cravings. What more could a girl ask for. Now off to finish my cupcake and have my first sweet dreams as a 23 year old me J Thank you God for these past 23 years and help me to bless you with the years I have ahead.



Friday, August 14, 2015

O Me of Little Faith (would love feedback)

Aug 14, 2015 Ye Of Little Faith

So it happened again today. Same thing that always happens. Area of my life decide to trust God in seemingly goes out of control and I become terrified. This time not ED but iWhat was hard was when (right after sending group text about trusting God and stepping out of the boat in faith) I check my hours for this week and am way shorted. Right after deciding to give myself a Sabbath. Right after my mom decides to retire. Right after I trust Him to provide.

And what happens. Like always I let this one tiny moment when it seems all is lost make my world spin out of control. Instead of trusting the 10 trillion other times it seemed ends wouldn’t meet and they did, I let my mind spin and spent way too much time going down the rabbit hole of I won’t be able to afford anything. Didn’t help that no one wanted to give away shifts either. And then…I suddenly realized this is so “wrong” of me. I spend so much energy convinced worst case scenario is going to happen instead of just trusting that God will provide. Instead of accepting things as they are and waiting to see how they turn out (while of course still trying to improve them), I just freak out. Wouldn’t it be so much better if I instead worked towards improving the situation (ie look for shifts) and just accept whether or not I get some. Then see how things turn out. And if it appears I don’t make the tips I need, then try and cope with that. Instead of assuming won’t get tips from the get go.

I mean God has always come through and I have reserves just in case I am short a week. I just think it’s hard for me to trust my finances in His hands. Really to trust anything in His hands. I’m sure it comes from my trauma history and always having to be on guard. Always having one trauma come when another ends and always having my stress response heightened. But, just as I tell my clients, things don’t have to be that way. But it takes me stepping out and trusting.

God also gave me a beautiful outlook on this. Every night when I go to bed I don’t lay there and fret over whether the sun will rise. I don’t consume my mind with those thoughts. I just trust the sun will rise the next day. And how much more miraculous is the sun rising than me making money. I mean simple people can make money, so can’t the God of the universe, the one who makes the sun to rise, who paints the petal of the roses, who numbers the stars in the sky provide for me?

All I know is this. Right now, tonight. There is nothing I can do to change my circumstances. I have
asked for shifts, haven’t gotten any, and that is my reality. Right now, that is how things are. IT’s something I cannot control. And that’s hard for me, but it’s something I need to learn is okay if I am ever to recover. So tonight, I didn’t use my addiction to try and regain control. No. Tonight I am breathing, praying the serenity prayer, and trying to trust. It doesn’t feel good. I am still freaking out, but I am praying through it and hoping it will all turn out okay. God says He knows the plans He has for me. I just have to trust this is part of His plan. Or it’s part of Him showing me I am going to have to work Fridays and can’t take off right now. So my mom can have the peace she deserves, I will just have to work more. Either way, He will show me. I just hope the first one is true. That I can trust, can pull back, and He will carry me. Bible says it just takes mustard seed faith, and I think right now I can at least muster up a mustard seed....

Monday, August 10, 2015

Faith Finances Freedom

Aug 9, 2015 

Today taught me a lot. A lot about faith, about life, about love, about trust. And I think is the start of new leaps and bounds in recovery. It all started when I decided to go ahead, invest in myself, and sign up for eHarmony. I was scared about the financial investment, but I truly and honestly felt it, and I, was worth it. I prayed, I trusted, and I paid out the almost 200 dollars…then I headed to work.

Tonight was a SLOW night at Cracker Barrel. So slow waiters got sent home at 6 pm. Everyone was getting concerned and complaining about not making tips, but I refused to get sucked in. I kept trusting God and when doubt came I prayed. Still, it didn’t seem would make tips I needed especially given my recent investment in a Christian fellowship through eHarmony. Then, my last table of the night came in.

It was a lovely family with a 2 week old baby and I really enjoyed having them. They were so sweet. I didn’t do anything above and beyond what I usually do and in fact made some mistakes, but they continued to be so sweet. I had this weird feeling about this family….like they would do something really nice. And still, even though I was cut from the floor and thus this would be my last table and I hadn’t made much…I felt like something…something was going to happen. And it did….this amazing table tipped me 20 dollars. I started to tear up. Same thing had happened to me on Friday with my last table and it just…it humbled me and deepened my faith. I was over the moon.

Next thing I know the host comes and tells me I was needed at the front. That I was just left a 100 dollar tip. WHAT?! Yes, that’s right, this table, the same one just gave me 20 dollars, tipped me 100 later on. I couldn’t help myself, I ran up to them and hugged them. I just, I couldn’t believe it. And you know what they said. That I was sweet, I was amazing, and I deserved it. These amazing thoughts about me from complete strangers. And all I was was me. Nothing special. I was blown away.

So I started to think. If I trust God in finances, and refuse to think negative about them (something I in no way could have done a few months ago), why not do this in recovery? Why not, instead of feeding into the thoughts ED throws at me, do I say “No. I refuse to feed into that I am trusting God.” And trust Him to come through. Instead of fearing my weight will explode, believe (as God continues to show me) I can trust my body, trust food, and nothing bad will happen. Why not take a step of faith? Because God never, ever lets me down.

So I did. Tonight I did. I took that step of faith and I prayed through the ED thoughts. It felt exhilarating. Terrifying, yes, but exciting. This may just be the start of a new, a true, a complete recovery. Thank you Lord for my blessings. For the blessing of finance that may just lead to my freedom.