Friday, July 31, 2015

New Journey, Potential New blog

Sorry haven't been around but now that journaling daily I will be. I may potentially be starting a new blog. A fresh start for a new me and a new journey. This is going to be raw, it's going to be real, and it's going to be recovery. Because recovery isn't all roses, it's terrifying, agonizing, but I hear it's worth it. So to kick things off...


I a terrified more than words can express right now. Nutritionist gave me three new goals I helped pick and I am terrified because actually doing them.

1.     Fix meal timing (this one not as scary)
2.     Only allowed 8,000 steps a day when been doing 10,000
3.     Proper portions (especially with starch, fruit, veggie in effort to move towards no food scale use with them)

I am okay with 1 and semi-okay with 3 as I know 1 won’t cause weight gain and 3 is something I desperately want. I want to see if food causes weight gain or if I can eat normal and only way to do that and to one day not have food scale is to get proper portions.

It’s 2 I am struggling with. I only got 8925 steps today. Not even 9000. Didn’t workout and I just feel guilt. And defeat. Like I failed. I know from what I’ve been learning from workbook I need to have the feelings and do it anyway, but I want the feelings to go away. I want to see strength in choosing to not do steps instead of shame. Because it takes a lot more power not to pace than to walk laps around building. I am just so scared.

I know there is potential by limiting steps to see I don’t need to count them. I mean heck didn’t count them in past and lsot weight. But I am scared since exercising less now, if I don’t count the steps I will just end up gaining, ED will be right, and I will forever have to monitor steps. It’s easier not facing it because then at least could hold onto hope that less steps won’t make me gain, but ifI face fear, I find out for sure. I am just so scared. I don’t want ED to be right.

I am also scared because nutritionist keeps saying I can’t do steps right now because of body weight and all that. Well, I don’t want to get used to being lazy and feeling freedom in that, then reach goal weight and all the sudden have to start restricting intake and exercising more to maintain weight. This is always the most triggering part of treatment for me. When meal plan reduces or have to increase exercise because it makes me feel like that little kid again. The one put on diets. But there is nothing I can do now. I didn’t get 10,000 steps and its after midnight, so (in my ED mind) I have failed, but I know in recovery mind and recovery world this was a success. That Katherine would give this a Yeehaw! And dad would be proud. Still, I feel guilt, shame, and fear, but just having to push through them. Let them be there, and move on. IT sucks, but as learned in treatment, if it doesn’t feel like shit you aren’t doing it right.