Aug 14, 2015 Ye Of Little Faith
So it happened again today. Same thing that always happens.
Area of my life decide to trust God in seemingly goes out of control and I
become terrified. This time not ED but iWhat was hard was when (right after sending group text about
trusting God and stepping out of the boat in faith) I check my hours for this
week and am way shorted. Right after deciding to give myself a Sabbath. Right
after my mom decides to retire. Right after I trust Him to provide.
And what happens. Like always I let this one tiny moment
when it seems all is lost make my world spin out of control. Instead of
trusting the 10 trillion other times it seemed ends wouldn’t meet and they did,
I let my mind spin and spent way too much time going down the rabbit hole of I
won’t be able to afford anything. Didn’t help that no one wanted to give away
shifts either. And then…I suddenly realized this is so “wrong” of me. I spend
so much energy convinced worst case scenario is going to happen instead of just
trusting that God will provide. Instead of accepting things as they are and
waiting to see how they turn out (while of course still trying to improve
them), I just freak out. Wouldn’t it be so much better if I instead worked
towards improving the situation (ie look for shifts) and just accept whether or
not I get some. Then see how things turn out. And if it appears I don’t make the
tips I need, then try and cope with that. Instead of assuming won’t get tips
from the get go.
I mean God has always come through and I have reserves just
in case I am short a week. I just think it’s hard for me to trust my finances
in His hands. Really to trust anything in His hands. I’m sure it comes from my
trauma history and always having to be on guard. Always having one trauma come
when another ends and always having my stress response heightened. But, just as
I tell my clients, things don’t have to be that way. But it takes me stepping
out and trusting.
God also gave me a beautiful outlook on this. Every night
when I go to bed I don’t lay there and fret over whether the sun will rise. I
don’t consume my mind with those thoughts. I just trust the sun will rise the
next day. And how much more miraculous is the sun rising than me making money.
I mean simple people can make money, so can’t the God of the universe, the one
who makes the sun to rise, who paints the petal of the roses, who numbers the
stars in the sky provide for me?
All I know is this. Right now, tonight. There is nothing I
can do to change my circumstances. I have
asked for shifts, haven’t gotten any,
and that is my reality. Right now, that is how things are. IT’s something I
cannot control. And that’s hard for me, but it’s something I need to learn is
okay if I am ever to recover. So tonight, I didn’t use my addiction to try and
regain control. No. Tonight I am breathing, praying the serenity prayer, and trying
to trust. It doesn’t feel good. I am still freaking out, but I am praying
through it and hoping it will all turn out okay. God says He knows the plans He
has for me. I just have to trust this is part of His plan. Or it’s part of Him
showing me I am going to have to work Fridays and can’t take off right now. So
my mom can have the peace she deserves, I will just have to work more. Either
way, He will show me. I just hope the first one is true. That I can trust, can
pull back, and He will carry me. Bible says it just takes mustard seed faith, and I think right now I can at least muster up a mustard seed....
This reminds me of the saying that when one prays for patience that God actually provides more opportunities for one to practice patience. It seems like you are expecting things to go the way You think they should and if they don't then it's a disaster. I've been there myself, but what I've learned in recovery is that I have to hold things loosely. I can make certain plans but because I'm not God what I have planned for me may not actually be what is best for me and I have to be open to that. Make plans but hold them loosely instead of trying to have a death grip on things being exactly how you think they should be. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of faith, I can tell by your posts -- just have to remember to have trust in that faith. Keep praying and know that God does not give us anything that we cannot handle. Best wishes always!
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