Aug 14, 2015 Ye Of Little Faith
So it happened again today. Same thing that always happens. Area of my life decide to trust God in seemingly goes out of control and I become terrified. This time not ED but iWhat was hard was when (right after sending group text about trusting God and stepping out of the boat in faith) I check my hours for this week and am way shorted. Right after deciding to give myself a Sabbath. Right after my mom decides to retire. Right after I trust Him to provide.
And what happens. Like always I let this one tiny moment when it seems all is lost make my world spin out of control. Instead of trusting the 10 trillion other times it seemed ends wouldn’t meet and they did, I let my mind spin and spent way too much time going down the rabbit hole of I won’t be able to afford anything. Didn’t help that no one wanted to give away shifts either. And then…I suddenly realized this is so “wrong” of me. I spend so much energy convinced worst case scenario is going to happen instead of just trusting that God will provide. Instead of accepting things as they are and waiting to see how they turn out (while of course still trying to improve them), I just freak out. Wouldn’t it be so much better if I instead worked towards improving the situation (ie look for shifts) and just accept whether or not I get some. Then see how things turn out. And if it appears I don’t make the tips I need, then try and cope with that. Instead of assuming won’t get tips from the get go.
I mean God has always come through and I have reserves just in case I am short a week. I just think it’s hard for me to trust my finances in His hands. Really to trust anything in His hands. I’m sure it comes from my trauma history and always having to be on guard. Always having one trauma come when another ends and always having my stress response heightened. But, just as I tell my clients, things don’t have to be that way. But it takes me stepping out and trusting.
God also gave me a beautiful outlook on this. Every night when I go to bed I don’t lay there and fret over whether the sun will rise. I don’t consume my mind with those thoughts. I just trust the sun will rise the next day. And how much more miraculous is the sun rising than me making money. I mean simple people can make money, so can’t the God of the universe, the one who makes the sun to rise, who paints the petal of the roses, who numbers the stars in the sky provide for me?
All I know is this. Right now, tonight. There is nothing I can do to change my circumstances. I haveasked for shifts, haven’t gotten any, and that is my reality. Right now, that is how things are. IT’s something I cannot control. And that’s hard for me, but it’s something I need to learn is okay if I am ever to recover. So tonight, I didn’t use my addiction to try and regain control. No. Tonight I am breathing, praying the serenity prayer, and trying to trust. It doesn’t feel good. I am still freaking out, but I am praying through it and hoping it will all turn out okay. God says He knows the plans He has for me. I just have to trust this is part of His plan. Or it’s part of Him showing me I am going to have to work Fridays and can’t take off right now. So my mom can have the peace she deserves, I will just have to work more. Either way, He will show me. I just hope the first one is true. That I can trust, can pull back, and He will carry me. Bible says it just takes mustard seed faith, and I think right now I can at least muster up a mustard seed....