Thursday, August 27, 2015

Choose Love, Lose Fear

Well I was in shock and awe when I weighed this morning. All of that fear yesterday, all of the anxiety….and my weight was DOWN this morning. Cupcake and all it was down. And you know what….this was one time where I didn’t have to say to myself: “Man I wish I didn’t let the fear thoughts rob me so much yesterday.” Because on my b-day I did something different. I felt the fear, I acknowledged it, and I just let it go. Instead of buying into and trying to counter all my fears about weight gain, etc. I just told myself. Yes…it’s possible I will gain. It’s also possible I won’t. I can choose which possibility I want to give more time to. And I did…I chose the later. And it allowed me to enjoy my birthday, my cupcake, and changed the fear to excitement.

Today, on the other hand…I learned what happens when fear gets to run free. You see, I woke up with stomach all kinds of upset (likely from cupcake) but then later on in day wanting to try another cupcake. And this time have it as I wanted to have it…as simply a snack, not a meal and snack (granted its my 350 calorie plus dairy/fruit/PB snack). This terrified me and ED began to tell me how weight was only down because overcounted and replaced meal and snack yesterday with the cupcake. Instead of listening and letting this fear go, I clung to it. I tried to battle it…and by doing that, it only increased.

It engulfed me like a wildfire. ED had a hold and he wasn’t letting go. He went on to tell me a new fear: weight was only down because cupcake hadn’t hit my system yet. So really, if I just waited for tomorrow, I would see. Weight would be up, ED would be right, and I would see I can’t eat desserts. Now surely if this was the case I couldn’t do cupcake today. Again, I tried to counter instead of release this fear and ED had his claws in deeper.

From here it became.  This is unhealthy and will cause you to become a binge eater. You can’t eat dessert two days in a row. If you do you will never be able to stop, will have dessert every day, will gain weight, and become obese. So what had started as a small, dismissable thought, had evolved into a fear rampaging my future.

Not only that, but once I let the spirit of fear seep over me it seeped into other aspects of my life. Suddenly the peace I had around school work become fear around failing again. Or around not having time to finish assignments.

And then the worst of my fears came…and I am sad to say I think it ruined a relationship I cherished
. My fear of inadequacy and people leaving me. I have started a new relationship and it was really blossoming. But I let this fear take over and I learned not only can fear ravage and spiral, but it also can become self-fulfilling. I was so so scared he would find out about ED that somehow in trying to hide ED, I talked about food way too much and he started to question how much I ate. I know weird questions right. Then I let my fear he would see the true me, the flawed, imperfect side of me, deem me too much, and leave. So I started to panic and text him way too much. And behave in the exact way to get him to back away…and at end of the night he did. And I am scared it’s done for good.

I didn’t even realize all this till went to gym and a guy hit on me and I didn’t have this fear of being left in my head and we ended up hitting it off. Even exchanging numbers. This is when I realized my great interaction with the new guy yesterday filled me with the same joy as interacting with the guy at the gym. You know what was missing in both these scenarios: fear.

So fear related to the cupcake (Which I did go out and get and am going to enjoy tonight despite fear) has led me to dread instead of be excited about havin another cupcake. Fear of class is making me dread and dislike course work and even avoid it. And fear of relationship led me to feel guilty and worthless in my interactions.

On the other hand, yesterday on my b-day when I let the fear go. Acknowledged but didn’t engage it…I felt joy. I felt love. I felt excitement. I felt expectancy. I believed for the potential of the best outcome…and I was happy. Truly happy. I was me again. So today I have learned a big thing I no longer want in my life: fear. I have learned what the scripture about love and fear really means. “Perfect love casts out all fear.” And it’s so true. When I didn’t have fear I was full of love, light, joy. But I think this goes the other way too..Fear casts out perfect love. Because today I wasted so many precious, amazing moments tormented by fear.

Still, I have ended up on top. Because I have this cupcake, I am releasing the fear, and I am trusting the Lord. Fear is just too draining. And with this relationship…I am not sure what will come or if damage can be undone, but I am sure I will learn from it and enter the next relationship or next interaction in this relationship differently. I am tired of clinging to what could go wrong and all the fear around that, and instead want to approach challenges, life, and relationships with an open mind to all that could go right.

Cupcake: I could see that I don’t gain and be able to have one every week
ClasseS: could be most amazing semester full of growth and repaired relationship
Relationship: could end up being most amazing, God-filled relationship and be person I marry.

See when I put that as my focus I already feel lighter and happier. Figure it’s worth a shot. Choosing to trust in perfect love and choosing to cast out all fear. One moment, one breath, one step (and bite) at a time (pics of cupcakes to come).

No comments:

Post a Comment