Wednesday, December 3, 2014

WIAW: Taste of Freedom

This was written before Wednesday but on most amazing, most freeing, most awesome day! Thanks Jenn for hosting! 

Today (Mon Dec 1st) been one of my best days in recovery so I decided to use it for WIAW. No, it’s not been better because I did any behaviors that are really that different. I mean I still did challenges, faced fear foods, fixed behaviors like always…but it was different in that today I decided to do that at the beginning of the day…no matter what. ED started to talk…and for first time in a while…I chose not only to not obey, but to not lesson. I let the fear be there, I felt it, and did the right thing anyway. I didn’t engage ED in a back and forth dialogue to try and convince myself my recovery decision was right…I just trusted it was…and stuck to it. IT WAS AMAZING.

I had the mental space to be present in life. To be present in my classes. To be present in conversations with co-workers. To experience fully the laughter, the conversations, the love, the joy of the day. IT WAS AMAZING. It is the first time…probably since before my dad passed I felt truly free. And being present, I also tuned into my body and honored how it felt and even its cravings. So how did this look recovery wise…here goes.

I ate my b-fast earlier and realized didn’t want the yogurt so I let myself move that to later. No picture here, but just half and English muffin and prunes.  ED was mad because I ate it in class and in front of people…something I am struggling with but I figure it was last day of classes….so heck, might as well!

I then had my workout and I stuck with the limit I set for the week…3.5 hours. No more. That broke down to 45 mins today, hour tomorrow, 45 mins Wed, and hour Friday. Well….since ED wasn’t yelling at me telling me to do more (okay he was but again…I’m not listening) I was able to listen to my body and realized it felt good and wanted to do more today. So without questioning it…I increased to 1 hour today and will just do 45 mins tomorrow. Usually this decision would have taken FOREVER to make and caused tons of anxiety…but today I just trusted and listened to my body.

At lunch, I did exactly as starch box gave me this morning. This was actually my first recovery commitment that paved the way for all this other success. It gave me grits and light bread….a scary combo because I see grits as nutrient devoid even though I love them. Haven’t had grits since my dad passed. We used to eat grits together and when I was young he would always make it on Sundays. I did shed a few tears over this…just remembering him…but honestly it was good. Sorry didn’t snap a pic of the rest, but it was getting late. Just picture a Tuna and spinach press, nectarine, and sunflower seeds.

Then dinner came around and this is when I got a craving. Actually for something I have never thought of having. Quorn crumbles and egg whites pressed in a wrap. Instead of questioning it, or figuring out if it was best option, and even without texting anyone for reassurance…I decided to do the craving tonight! This is big for me. To listen to body in the moment and let it decide what I eat. Paired of course with the usual peas, slaw, and potato. THIS WAS AMAZING! Another big victory was I actually did bigger portion of the crumbles than I planned when I bought them (yes this was my first time having them). I did portion that actually was the amount I needed. ED screamed really, really loud…but my mind was so filled with joy and hearing the cheers of friends, family, and even my papa who I knew would be proud…that it didn’t matter. I was so excited, multiple pics had to happen.

I was also craving maple brown sugar instant oatmeal instead of original and even though ED was throwing several reasons why not to do it that weren’t even calorie based (i.e. you have less of them, they cost more, its not a real craving)..I went with my body and the roll I was on and had what it seemed to be craving.  Sorry for bad picture, but my craving couple with hunger won over…this was also after had eaten some ;P

And then to finish out the night and let freedom ring…I had an onion bagel, with green beans…and even did a mystery peanut butter. Basically I pre-made a bunch of PB spoons I stuck in freezer…but they all got mixed up and there are a few I just can’t figure out which flavor they are (I have White Chocolate from PB and Co from Jif Whips I have Chocolate, S’mores, Pumpkin, and Regular, and then I have regular full-fat Jif). It’s between the safe Jif Whips regular and the regular Jif I can’t tell difference and didn’t label…so I went with fate and just tried one tonight! Turned out to be the scarier one of course lol. And then I got craving for Halo instead of apple so did that too because heck…why not scare Ed’s pants off.  

So that was my day of freedom…and boy….did it feel nice to hear freedom ring. Wouldn’t have been possible without all the years of love and support from my friends and family, the lessons taught to me by Katherine and my mentor Mel, and the strength, peace, and love of my Almighty God. They even gave me strength to face this fear meal today too!

1 comment:

  1. Oh my dear, I am so worried about you. Please email me if you need anything. Praying for you <3