Thursday, November 27, 2014

Reclaiming my Thanksgiving

So there are two posts here but both reflect the transformation in behavior that can come when you realize the panic ED causes, and the peace recovery brings. When you choose to do what is scary in the moment but brings peace long-term (i.e. challenging ED) instead of what seems easy in the moment, but will only bring chaos in the end. Here is my mental change during Thanksgiving. I started planning to restrict like have for years, but ended up kicking ED's butt! Thank you God.

Pre-Thanksgiving (written night before thanksgiving when decided to choose recovery)

So I started flipping out about weighing tomorrow because ate late again….but then wanted to weigh tomorrow because was using it being Thanksgiving as an excuse to restrict and wanted to see what restricting did. But then started to freak out about having to get back on plan on Friday. And what family think about me tomorrow and so on and so on.

I told myself the freakout was because of weighing. That really I just needed to figure out whether to weigh tomorrow and I would feel better. But reality is…what was making me freakout was the fact I was planning on restricting. I didn’t feel was restricting enough (ED part of me), but also felt I was restricting too much because restricting at all. Part of me wanted to show the “strength” to restrict (again ED part because restricting is easy….recovery is hard) and other part of me wanted to push through and do plan.

Sure it wouldn’t be same. I wouldn’t bring all my safe foods to Thanksgiving (not ready to do this in
front of strangers since family invited random people) and couldn’t eat what family was serving because of tummy issues…but I could make up for missed exchanges later in the day. That was the right thing to do…that decision brought me peace…so that’s what I decided. To go with what I had planned to bring, but with intentions to make it up that night instead of just restricting whole day. Then won’t be lying when I say I am going to eat more later…but will also be respecting the challenges I am ready to take. This was plan, let’s see what happens.

Thanksgiving (written thanksgiving day)

At 5:30 AM my grandfather passed on…but I didn’t let the news destroy me. In fact, I felt peace about it. I went to spin class like planned and enjoyed it by letting my body have a break when it needed. I also used the fact my body got me through spin to push me through the day.

Turkey hat for spin 
I ate everything I took to my aunt’s and felt good. Well…semi-good. My exhaustion hit me, but it wasn’t food related…it has to do with another medical issue I am facing. I was able to enjoy time with family and not worry about food.

I must say I do feel a little down. This is the spread from my family’s Thanksgiving and I just want to be “normal” one day and have some instead of bringing my own food. But I think part of recovery is also knowing how much to push. I knew if I pushed to eat some of this food (a) I could cause myself to have a reaction to things I’m intolerant to and (b) I would restrict afterwards as has been my pattern in the past. So I did what I knew was best and packed my food.

On our drive home I started to get scared. I suddenly was overcome with dizziness, exhaustion, and nausea. I powered through this feeling when I got home and made myself a dinner…no skimping and even honoring a craving for veggie soup.

I am sitting here typing this with two snacks left…and I will do them..but the dizziness is still here. I am happy I am nourishing my body, I just wish it felt better.

I can’t say I don’t feel guilty about now eating dinner and two snacks. I know I said I planned on getting them in today….but right now I am feeling guilty about it. Though I will still be behind a little on meal plan (4 exchanges)…it’s not like every Thanksgiving time before (a time spanning multiple days when dad was alive because would have 2 thanksgiving festivities on 2 different days) where I would restrict @ the meal and that night. ED is very, very upset with me…but I know what I did was right and honestly that I shouldn’t have restricted at all.

I will do what I know I need to and I will finish these snacks. For you all, for me, for my dad, for my grandpa, for God, and for my body that needs and deserves nourishment.

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