So this is a big week for me. It’s the 1-year anniversary of my dad’s death and it’s honestly got me thinking. I have told myself my recovery has been good and all, but honestly the fight for recovery and my progress has stalled since my dad died. Yes, it took me a year to realize this…but it’s true.
I guess in his death I just kind of lost my pursuit of a future. Everything seemed undoable without him. School, moving, marriage, becoming an ED therapist…everything. I did start to gain some hope when I thought I would escape all my negativity by moving to grad school and pursuing my passion, but that hasn’t been the case.
Coming here and being faced with the reality that all the dreams I wrote about before coming. Fun with roomies, dating, freedom, church, etc….none of it came to pass. I am more alone and isolated than I have ever been. I eat the same thing every day. And life is consumed with work, school, and stress. Yes…there are things I like and I love my server position…but living here has me so stuck in the now. In all I have to do and accomplish now. And when I think about dreaming about the future I just think that it didn’t work out with coming to Knoxville…why will it work out now.
I mean….it’s not completely tied to losing my dad….I think it really started there with the seed of fear that I couldn’t accomplish anything without both my parents. That I was facing a loss most don’t have to at my age and couldn’t overcome. Then when I moved to grad school and my dreams all came crashing down and none of them have been accomplished….I began to fear that is true for my future too. And so….the will to fight has become confusing.
Because if I don’t have a future or dreams/ambitions about them. If I never will be an ED therapist, never will get close enough to marry someone, won’t find and keep close friends….then what is the reason to fight? I mean I eat now and eat a good meal plan. Sure it’s not normal….but it’s sustainable and if I have lost my desire for “normalcy” and belief in a future….then sustainable is good enough.
The problem is it isn’t. I am frustrated with how I am living now and I want things to change…but thinking about the future just makes me depressed because right now I just see dreams that won’t come true. I just don’t know what to do or how to get back the motivation for a future I had before my dad died. There was always security things would work out and questions would be answered because he was around….now I just feel like my whole lifeplan has changed. And then I thought I could improve things without him, but my move to Knoxville showed my dreams just aren’t coming true. Yes…this mostly has to do with my roommate situation.
It's just hard because recovery is terrifying so something has to drive you through the fear and I feel like I am still searching for that "something." A goal or hope or something I actually think will be possible if I recover. Maybe that is the issue...I have lost belief that I really can recover? But I have to. To accomplish my dreams...so am I just stuck. If I can't recover...if I've been in this too long...do I have to give up the biggest dream of my life to help and inspire other people with chronic eating disorders who are told they can't get better?
So what do I do? Do I wait for my next set of roomies and hope it gets better? Do I force myself to be hopeful? How do I get back motivation? Well…at least on Thurs, the anniversary of my dad’s death, I will start seeing a new therapist. Maybe that will help. Still…I can’t help wishing he was here. Even in the darkest times he could bring me motivation and light. Miss you papa.
I just want to believe in my dreams again. I want my fight back. I just don't know how?