Have to confess...

So I have a confession to make. One my eating disorder doesn’t want me to tell anyone. It’s a behavior I do and have done and wonder if it’s normal…or if its ED obsession. Guess I am scared to admit it because I am scared to acknowledge just how much of a grip this thing can have on one’s life. But how will I ever know if its normal if I don’t share. So here it is.

THERE ARE NO NUMBERS MENTIONED BUT ARE BEHAVIORS SO IF THOSE TRIGGER YOU DO NOT READ.

This obsession/behavior started when I got diagnosed with some food intolerances and my doctor told me to cook my things separate to make sure I didn’t get any oils that upset my stomach. So I took this to mean I needed separate pots/pans and also separate clothes to dry them with and separate sponges to wash them with. Then ED came in.

I started to wonder if rags/sponges could spread calories. If they could spread intolerances…why couldn’t they spread calories too. So then I started using one sponge to clean my George Foreman with (the only appliance other than microwave I use to cook food) and one sponge for my food scale and never let anyone use their own sponges on my food. I also have a separate rag to dry hands, a separate one for George Foreman, and a separate one for food scale.

As you can imagine this gets crowded and complicated and I am starting to wonder if this is all ED. I mean what is normal? Do people use one rag to dry hands and dishes and food scale. Or will that spread calories because scraps/juices from what you wiped remain on the towel/sponge? This is where my brain is stuck. 

The more I think about this though….the more obsessed I get. Wondering if microwaving things makes calories fall in. Wondering how clean a dishwasher really gets things. Freaking out about hand washing. So I figure the start to freedom is to get it out of my head. I hope people don’t think I am crazy now…because that’s what I am starting to think…

So I guess this is my question…what is normal? And can sponges/dish towels spread calories? What is the best way to clean things that can’t go in dishwasher like the food scale and the George Foreman. I’ve been with an ED so long I think I have lost grip of reality. And though I may be eating a meal plan….I want to do more than just consume calories to survive…I want to be truly free.