Friday, November 21, 2014

Blessings of my father

This is actually a post about yesterday. November 20, 2014: the one year anniversary of my dad's death. A day I thought would be horrible, that ended up being filled with success. I won't lie to you all. After this day of freedom, I went back to the slavery of the scale this morning and it scared me. But...I am going to try for just one more day to trust in recovery. To choose life. To push forward.End this week strong. 

Wow! I am so blessed by the love, joy, and laughter a day I thought would be filled with tears brought me. Today being the 1-year anniversary of my dad’s death, I expected it would be one filled with sorrow, but all it has been filled with is success. I feel so blessed and so amazed by the blessings of God in my life.

This morning wasn’t the best and I was filled with tears, but I allowed myself to sleep in and shrugged off the scale. Two big things for me. I then sent a text out of grief which I shouldn’t have sent, but still got a loving response in return. I must say my stepmom is one of the most gracious, forgiving, loving people I know. Thank you Joanne for being a backyard miracle for me today. Your text meant more than you know and I know this is how you “challenge” turned out.

I then went to spin class to spread my little backyard miracle. Not only did I listen and respect my body and not overexercise, but I gave my spin instructor a thank you gift for our last class. It was just a little thing of candy and energy bars and she was so happy. Almost to the point of tears. It just felt great to give. Thank you Alexa for being a backyard miracle.

I then got support from one of the most amazing angels in my life, Melissa. She helped support me in a decision to face chicken, cottage cheese, and an onion bagel for my dad. You will see more of this later. Thank you Melissa for being a backyard miracle for me today.

I then did my other honoring dad event today…I returned to therapy. I was nervous about going back to a true therapist instead of the check-in therapist on-campus, but I swallowed my fear and did it. And my new therapist is AMAZING. She is seeing me at a very low-cost and though she doesn’t “specialize” in eating disorders in the traditional sense of the world she specialized in a way books can never provide…she has lived through an eating disorder. I just felt so comfortable with her and can’t wait for our next session. I really feel her coming into my life today is a backyard miracle from my dad himself. Thanks Papa Bear.

After therapy and later as I fixed a fear food lunch I had an amazing talk with my mom. It just lifted my soul. We got to share so much about what was going on in our life. It was nice to have a full conversation with her, not just a drop-in how are you. But a full conversation. I love and miss my mommy so much and love how much she believes in me and my dreams. I know today was hard for her too. She lost the man she loved and had kids with. A divorce doesn’t end love and the bond it brings, so losing my dad she lost someone too. Thank you mommy for being a backyard miracle. I love you times a million, billion chameleons.
Freedom food as dad called them 
I was then greeted by two of my new roommates and two of my amazing lifegroup members for a balloon release to honor my dad. We wrote obstacles and our hopes and released the balloons. They were silver because we called my dad Sir Greybeard because of his “silver” hair and also because his car was called the Silver Fox. It felt like such a true release. We even released an “empty” balloon (one without an obstacle note tied to it) to show we are now free of our obstacles. These amazing friends are such blessings in my life. They even prayed for me after. Thank you Jenna, Logan, Lizzie, and Carmen for being my backyard miracles.

Returning to my dorm I got more lovely text from those in my life I love so much. My old nutritionist, Claire, and others. It felt so great. Thanks for being backyard miracles for me.

It was then time to face a challenge for my daddy. I faced chicken and a full potato and had the Pasta Zero I was craving. ED started to creep in and even told me to restrict fluids….but not today. Not on this day honoring my dad. There was no room for ED. So I drank what I wanted and enjoyed. Such a backyard miracle. Thank you God for the strength.

While I was cooking I also got one of the greatest surprises of today. I got a text from my Bubba Bear. This guy is my hero, my protector and I love him so much. I just don’t really hear from him anymore now that he moved and grew up. I don’t even think he knows how important he is to my recovery and how much of a motivation he is for me. And tonight he sent me a text I needed to get through my dinner challenge…it had three simple words: I love you. Thank you James for being my backyard miracle.

Later, at snack, I did the flavored oatmeal I wanted instead of the boring original oatmeal ED wanted because heck…I wanted it. And my dad wanted me to recover and honor my cravings. That’s what he did….he didn’t balloon, so I won’t either.  Even ate this earlier than was comfortable because I was hungry. Honoring hunger and cravings=definite win!

And to finish out the night I faced my onion bagel. If you remember, on my dad’s b-day this year I faced cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. What’s up with me, my dad, and bagels. Well for as long as I can remember, my dad would make himself bagel sandwiches in the mornings, especially if it was on-the-go or if it was after tennis. His favorite was everything bagels, but he loved onions too…and onion bagel is more my forte. So I faced it and it was delicious! Yes, I even spread that PB on the bagel. Strange…but oh soo good. And faced fat free cottage cheese with it too, because my dad was so cheesy lol. And because it sounded good.


It’s so amazing to me how God can take a day destined for bad, a day that sent me into a relapse last year….and transform it into a day of victory and miracles. God is so good. Can I get an “Amen.”

1 comment:

  1. Wow, what a great way to honor your dad! Keep thinking of him as you work through your recovery and know how proud he would be to see you facing fears and listening to your cravings and hunger.