Thursday, October 3, 2013

Coping with Cravings

Warning: specific foods will be mentioned. If that triggers you don’t read J

I laugh because most bloggers who write an entry about coping with cravings would be about how NOT to eat what you are craving for this reason or that, but that's not normal reach recovery and normal eating coping with cravings means something else. Coping with cravings means eating them when they come no matter what your mind is yelling at you. Basically if you choose the safer thing instead of what you are craving ED wins…and to me at this point..if ED wins why eat at all? So I have just been eating my cravings…and it’s been fine because it’s like a scarier  flavor bagel or a higher cal fruit/veg….till today.

Today…I am not sure what happened, but it’s like this new desire I have for recovery (yes…thanks in part to the maintenance of my weight and subsequent loss this week despite eating my plan) gave my body permission to go crazy. I had a scheduled fear food today which I didn’t want but ate anyway, but I had craving for four other fear foods: craisins, cinnamon raisin bagel, white roll, and corn on cob. AND I allowed myself to chew gum during my exam. Yes..I know it’s silly I fear gum…and corn…and a bagel because I’m scared its too large. These aren’t things normal people fear, but for me it is. And the fact that I am craving all of them (probably due to intense hunger that is hitting) is freaking me out. If I pick and choose which to face then ED still wins out but the idea of eating all of them…I am literally shaking.
But isn’t this what I want? Isn’t normal life about eating what you want. I mean really…in 5 years..heck even next year…do I really want to be sitting there debating what to eat based off numbers and illogical fears or do I want food to just be part of life and just go in and eat what I want? But it just freaks me out. I still don’t trust my body. Honestly…it’s given me no reason not to trust it…it’s just a body acting as it should…but to give into my cravings…it just doesn’t seem right and doesn’t seem controlled…and to me lack of control automatically means ballooning.

But if I think about it…it is gonna take a whole lot more willpower to eat these fear foods than to choose something safer. Perhaps I don’t give in to cravings…perhaps what it I do isn’t “giving in” to cravings as ED tells me I do…but I conquer cravings and honor cravings instead of “giving in” to ED. Because its easy for me to eat safer item….it takes no work, no willpower….it’s just routine thanks to years with ED. But eating my fear foods, especially with weigh-in tomorrow…letting my cravings not calories drive me…that takes effort. That isn’t giving in….giving in denotes defeat and loss of power. Nope…it’s fighting, conquering, trusting, hoping….but it’s not giving in. We don’t “give in” to any aspect of recovery even though for me that’s how ED words it. Nope…the only time we “give in” is when we give up and let ED make our choices.

So coping with cravings…how do we do it? We honor our cravings thus honoring our bodies and the Creator that gives us our bodies and our cravings. God will give you what you need to get through today (that’s your “daily bread”) and that means He will give you the strength to get through any cravings He puts in you to face. So we cope with cravings by eating what we crave. Doing anything else is giving in to ED. And honestly..even if you eat safe and avoid cravings ED will tell you you are going to get fat or balloon or ate too much, etc, etc. So might as well have ED saying that while eating foods you actually want. And actually, in my experience, eating what I crave gives me more peace and makes ED quiet down. So to cope with cravings, eat what you are craving. That’s what I have decided right now I am going to do today. No, it’s not easy. I am freaking out, my head is swirling, I’m literally sweating, and ED is screaming. But it’s the only right thing to do….I refuse to let ED get victory today. I refuse. And I refuse to let the weigh-in I fought to get back to become something that controls me. It won’t happen.

So thanks for letting me really helped me cope with the fear and feelings I have swirling around. Now I have to go cope with my cravings…one bite at a time. Love you all..thanks for reading and keep fighting…I hear it’s worth it. 

Update: I ate all the fear foods and realized something....God prepared me for this. This morning He had me write Isaiah 41:10 "Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God..." on the whiteboard outside my door. I rarely write scripture there just because of my position as an RA...but today I felt I needed to. I figured it meant someone needed it...just didn't realize that someone was me. Seeing it when I came back with my fear foods reminded me all I need to do is trust in God. God is stronger than my fears and than the lies ED tells me about food. Food is a gift from God to nourish my body and these craving as just beacons of light so I can find the gifts He has. It is God telling me what to have and I just have to trust He has a purpose in that.

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