Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Reality of Relapse

ED told me going into this relapse that it would be okay. It was actually going to be beneficial because I would stick to good portions and the contract, just adjust my intake. And then, come back at my next N appt on Oct 23rd ready to start gaining again. It seemed perfect…and it was…because it was a complete lie. I forgot the reality of relapse I have realized each time I start to only makes you worse. This is day 10 of relapse…and I have undone all the work I put into the almost three weeks on contract.
This is the reality of relapse. The first day sucks honestly. ED picks on you and reminds you how he was right and you can’t eat and that’s why you have to relapse. He scares you it won’t work and tries to convince you to restrict even more than you originally planned. Luckily I had support that kept me from doing that. Still you are exhausted and torn inside because you know you really don’t want to do this…but you just feel you have to.

 The next day may be actually okay. You are restricting, but sticking to the other aspects of your contract and even the portions. And look…you are losing weight! It’s so exciting and you are feeling like you can eat and still lose weight. But somewhere in the day your fears will pop back up and you will be scared you won’t lose the next day and ED will tempt you to exercise more.

This will continue and you get more and more tired and more and more obsessed. Things you worked so hard to overcome fears of become too scary to eat. Veggies and fruits become feared again. The fear foods your nutritionist prescribed you to do become optional. Everything becomes about losing weight. And you are freaking exhausted. Beyond tired exhausted. In fact, you have to miss church and meetings and time with friends because you are so cold and shaky and exhausted….you can’t function. Studying becomes a chore and life becomes exhausting.

You become desperate to hit that magic weight so you can eat again because your body is screaming for food. You are completely miserable. And you are so hungry that soon into relapse…at least by day three…your timing gets horrible. You start hoarding your snacks for night. And all that causes you to get constipated again, but you get scared how that will impact your weight so you use laxative which wrecks havoc on your system.

So here you are…probably only 6 or so days into relapse and what has happened: your freedom foods are back to fear foods, you are going against what your nutritionist said to do as fear foods and thus breaking contract, you are exhausted and constipated, you are weighing daily and thus breaking contract, you are breaking timing and thus breaking contract. And then…you are so sick you stop losing weight. So you reduce even more and to make things even better you bring in the food scale again….literally losing all parts of the contract.

And so you reach day 10 like I am in now and you are sick and tired of this relapse but driven to lose to that magic weight. This isn’t fun, it isn’t good, it isn’t helpful, and you feel more out of control than ever. Add to that the fact you went to doc and your pulse is only 42 bpm and your blood pressure only 82/52. You were so exhausted at Ultimate Frisbee game you missed a game changing point. You are so tired it’s hard to study for the exam you need to do well on. And yet none of it matters. In a few days you life has gone from being focused on future, on God, on a number. This is relapse…this is the reality.

So let’s see…ED said it would be short….but you are on day 10, wanting it to end, and probably stuck in it longer…so that was lie. ED said it would be helpful, but you are measuring veggies and fruits again and scared of an extra few calories every day…so that again was lie…it’s harmful not helpful. ED said it would feel great and make you feel in control…instead you are constipated, exhausted, your body is shutting down, and you feel absolutely out of control. ED said you would stick to contract…but there is no part of contract even still in effect. This is relapse and the nature of ED. ED robs you of life, of living, of truth. And he traps you to. He traps you to a magic weight or magic date keeping you stuck in misery. This is reality. So next time ED lies to you and tells your relapse is the answer….focus on the reality…relapse is Hell…relapse is death…and ED is a liar. 

I honestly trusted this relapse. I trusted it would make me more secure in my recovery somehow. But honestly. I am more scared than I have ever been. I am scared that I will push my body too far. I have never had this low blood pressure. Never had circles this dark around my eyes. Never been so scared that I may be putting my disorder before my very life. And yet...I'm so deep in relapse that looking back...I would still choose to lapse. That is what this disorder does to you. I can't wait to break free of this relapse...and of this ED once and for all. Be on lookout. Next post is about what ED robs me of. Basically will be letter to self. 

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