Wow! It’s been a whirlwind of a day to say the least…where to begin…I’m not sure. I guess at this morning would be best.
So this morning I had a weigh-in which yesterday I decided would make or break my recovery. I told myself if was over 86.4 lbs then I was dropping bagel and lapsing back to 86.2 lbs just so I could “do it right.” It was really the only way I got myself to eat bagel yesterday. Well…got on scale this morning and was 86.6 lbs. That’s right. Here we were again. Here we were with .2 lbs. I tried to pee, but no matter what, no matter how much went…scale didn’t budge. So what was I going to do?
Honestly..it got me pissed. But not at myself, not at God, but at ED. This was stupid. I was about to throw everything away over .2 lbs. Choose .2 lbs over having a good N session. Choose .2 lbs over commitment to myself and God. Choose .2 lbs over life. And I was done. Still I prayed to God just once to have 86.4 come across that scale…and for one moment He did. It was my green light that it was okay to go. Just so I could have photo proof I asked for one more quick time, and I got a pic. Then went straight back to 86.6 lbs. But I was done. I was done with ED, with this insanity, with the misery and desperation. Tired of my life being made or broken by .2 lbs. I just wanted to recover. So I decided it was over. Yesterday was real (very obviously since same pee I blamed for loss yesterday caused no loss today). I hit 86.2 and it was time to recover. Time to call it quits with ED. So I committed to recovery. Not because I hit a weight that was low enough, but because I finally realized I’ve had enough. Enough of ED.
So then I went to N session and it was one of the most emotional sessions we have ever had. We did the normal weigh-in thing, but then I really opened up about this most recent lapse and just how miserable I have been. There were a lot of tears shed. I just stared into her eyes in desperation and said, “Please. I don’t want this anymore. I’m fucking done. I’m miserable and I’m done. I’m done with this insanity. I just want to live. I just want to be free. I want to give you the calories and weight and all the obsession and let you take care of that. I just want to focus on timing and freedom foods. The things I want in my life. Please, let’s do this. Let’s sit here in May when I graduate, split a Gigi’s cupcake, and say heck yes. We did it. We kicked ED’s ass.” And she stared back at me with tear-stained eyes and said : “Let’s do it. You have such an amazing purpose on this Earth. God has given you an amazing purpose. Let’s take this motivation and run with it.” It was the most real, most raw, most open, and most freeing session we have ever had.
Then it came time to put words in to action and things got scary. She increased my meal plan even more than was before relapse, chose dessert for this week, and chose tons of freedom foods. As part of new plan I have agreed I can’t say no to her because I need to learn how to eat and that is going to mean shutting up and opening my ears. So I kept agreeing. Sharing my fears, but agreeing. Then she told me I might gain more than a lb this week just because of the lapse and I started to freak out big time. The fear came in and I felt ED crying out to me. We had to end the session and it was off to lunch.
Luckily, I had my journal with me and after 4 pages of journaling, I felt better and calmer. I came to realize this. I had two choices. I could choose the easy road, only do the easy part of the freedom foods and not add in the almonds she added. That was one option. Here were possible outcomes. I could gain less than a lb and end up having to add those things anyway (so basically I just postpone facing the fear for a week), I could gain a lb and still be just as afraid of the almonds and freedom foods as am now and again just have to add them in whenever weight did maintain, I could gain over a lb and be even more afraid of the almonds and freedom foods.
Luckily, I had a second (better) choice. I could choose to let my nutritionist worry about my weight and trust her. Trust that she said numbers wise should only be a lb, but is possibility more. Here is what could come from that. I could gain less than a lb and have huge decrease in fear of increase and freedom foods, gain only a lb and still have less fear in meal plan and freedom foods (though decrease not be as much), or I could gain over a lb and be just as scared as I am now. So basically only way to have possibility of any victory was to do as my nutritionist had said.
And I also realized I needed to keep handing the weight worries over to God and my nutritionist and focus on actually enjoying facing these freedom foods and the dessert. Yes, I could spend the next week miserably trying to guess what my weight was doing or was going to do or whatever. Or I could choose to not worry about it or make worst case scenarios and just let it happen. Why worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet or that I don’t even know will happen. I don’t even have another weigh-in till Friday, so that’s just a waste of energy. Instead I want to try and enjoy and experience what it’s like to eat and not think about weight. Or when I think about weight to turn over to God and re-focus. Then if I gain a whole ton like ED says come Wed I can freak out with nutritionist then. But it’s been my expereicne that rarely happens and instead I just end up wasting a week fearing something that never happened. And I’m tired of it. Tired of living and eating based on weight. So I’m going to try and not to. It’s not going to be easy and is going to take dedication, but as my middle school counselour said…practice makes permanent. Not perfect, but permanent.
And so I went through rest of day pretty okay. Even went ahead and faced a freedom food I didn’t plan and then it was off to Passion Let the Future Begin Concert. I can’t even put into words the encounter I had with the Holy Spirit there. God really spoke to me that He is going to be my Strength, Peace, and Comfort on this journey. That times won’t be easy. It’s going to get hard and most definitely scary, but if I just gaze upon His face, I will be filled with His peace. He is a God of victory, and He won’t let anything happen that doesn’t get me closer to victory. He knows how scary weight gain is for me, so He won’t let it happen at a rate I can’t stand or He can’t see me through. It doesn’t mean it will always be a rate I am comfortable with, but it will be a rate I can handle. With His strength and His peace I will make it through. And He so wants me to, because He wants me to be a light for others to see to lead them out of the darkness of ED. But I have to be obedient and keep my eyes on Him.
In the prayer time we had I recommitted myself to God. I asked Him to be my focus not my ED and repented for the past 15 years I have spent following ED not God. Found it funny it was 15 years and my relapse lasted 15 days. Just a coincidence, or as I like to call it a God-incidence. I cried tears I needed to cry and turned my gaze to the beautiful face of Jesus and away from ED. Sure I am scared. Heck, I’m terrified, but I am also at peace, because I know with my Father everything will be okay.
So as I said before. Tuesday I chose to eat a bagel, and that was great start…it was. Honestly, had I put that off till today (Wed) I think would have been too overwhelming. But eating that bagel had strings attached based off the scale. And it still wasn’t recovery because I hadn’t committed to obedience to my N, to timing, to freedom foods, or even to not letting weight dictate what I did. It was still a huge step to add back that bagel, but recovery is so much more than eating food…it’s a mindset, a determination, a choice. And today I made that choice. Today I made the choice to recover. I chose life, chose freedom, chose God, chose my God-given purpose and passion. Today I chose to take the first step on a long journey to my future. Today I chose to recover. Just for today. Because I’m taking this journey a day at a time. Focusing on what I need to for that day and leaving everything else to God and my team. So for today I chose recovery. I chose to start this journey. And I hope this time the journey doesn’t end. Because I’m ready to let go of my past, let go of ED, claim my victory, claim my future, and live my life for the only thing that matters—God.