Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Update and request

So I don't really know where this is going to take me, but it's just kind of an update because I finally have time to write. So I have been stressed out by exams, grad school applications, and just life in general. It seems so hard to balance school, family, job, and then the appts and emotions around eating disorder recovery. The weeks just fly by and I am left feeling lost.

So with midterms coming this week I had decided Mon I would go back to cutting out the bagel snack as I did a few weeks ago. I was just convinced my weight would have shot up and it would be perfect excuse to go back to restricting which somehow seemed like a logical answer (yes because lack of nutrition when you need the energy and stamina to study makes perfect sense....). Then Mon I got a shock when my weight was the exact same. I literally didn't know what to do so I ended up e-mailing my N about my intent and now how I was confused and how I had planned day out already with intent of restricting....so now I needed her help to re-plan day because I had no reason to restrict.

I was excited I hadn't gained...I'm not gonna lie...but mostly because it meant to me it was okay to eat and that I didn't have to worry about restricting and how that might affect exams. Then as the day went on I started really thinking about this mental funk I am in. I mean reality is I have to gain weight...yet I keep saying I am not ready to get over x lbs...so whenever I get close I just plan these meal plan changes to go back to where I started and start again. What kind of twisted "recovery" is this and why can't I just commit?

My therapist and I talked about it a bit last week. In how I don't want to gain weight because I am scared to be normal and lose the ED that has literally been my identity and life since the age of 6. Will people care about me if I don't have an ED? And what will I do when I have to face the real fear of life? Like moving to Denver, dealing with grad school, getting a job....sometimes its easier to not have to face the uncertainties of the future by guaranteeing I know the future by sticking with ED. I know ED...I know anorexia...and it takes my focus and puts it solely on food and weight. Every day is routine and predictable because you stop experiencing life. So I feel without my ED...I will have to face a future of uncertainty...and face the fear that comes with that. And I just don't know how/if I will cope. But I mean reality is I know I hate being in my disorder because I dread every lapse....and I know even with that fear of the future it will be better without ED...but it just scares me to move on.

So I don't know if it's comfort in having ED and not having to face all the questions and uncertainties I have about how others will feel about me or what the future holds...but something is still holding me back. Now the better question is do I need to figure that out before pushing through...or do I just push through and work through the feelings as they come? I mean if I just keep stalling and lapsing and then recovering so I can wait for therapy to come so I can figure out what's stopping me from recovering....I'm not sure I am going to get anywhere. It just feels like a viscious cycle and it's miserable. I am just happy I didn't have to face the idea of relapse vs recovery this week because I maintained so made choosing recovery easier. But I really want to do some intense work around this in therapy on Friday.

I have also been embracing scripture about focusing on today not tomorrow. Somehow I have been able to not freak out about my N appt and next weigh-in coming on Wed....honestly its been through prayer but I have seen how it has opened me up to enjoy each day...and has really decreased the ED thoughts. Also, it has allowed me to challenge myself more because each challenge isn't framed it how it might affect this or that...its just another opportunity to kick ED in the ass or to let him win.

The other thing I got challenged on by a friend is how I only really connect and talk to people about my food and ED struggles and she has been pushing me to connect with her about more than that. Honestly...it's been amazing. It hurt at first when she confronted me...but being able to feel our relationship is more normal and not ED centered made me see people will talk to me even when ED isn't there. That there are other things my relationships can be based on. And that things other than ED and struggles are so much more fun to talk about. And honestly...it's helped me to not have as many ED thoughts or to tackle them through prayer and giving them over instead of focusing and jumping into them trying to find the answer/cause/decision to make. It's just been two days and already I feel happier.

So I guess I am in a good-ish place though I know it's mostly from the fact I maintained and that I got to stay in recovery. I could fret over what will happen when I gain again...but for now I just want to enjoy this freedom.

I hope there are people still reading and I really, really would appreciate hearing from you. So please...if you read this...comment below or shoot me an email with anything. I also want to know what topics you all want so I can stop just updating on my life and actually help you all (unless my updates help). 

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