I was really struggling today realizing part of me still want me ED. I don’t know why…I mean I hate whenever I lapse or when I reach that number that always leads me to lapse…and whenever I am in a lapse I pray (literally) that it will be over soon so I can get back to recovery. So I know a greater part of me wants recovery, but there is still that part of me scared to let go of the security and identity and pride I have found in having an eating disorder and getting to the weight I am.
With this I got scared maybe I will just be stuck in this gain/lose cycle. Because how can I push towards recovery if I don’t 100% want it. Won’t it just be like all the times in the past where I recover, gain the weight, and then lapse. And I don’t want to recover only to have to spend forever getting back to this sick weight..I don’t want that long of a relapse. So what I do is recovery and lapse in a small weight window so I can have the “best” of both worlds. But really…I hate it and want to choose either to recover or my disorder. And honestly…I know inside I want to recover…at least 51% of me does…and I know God will provide the 49% of the rest of the strength I need to get through…it just scares me to completely turn my back on ED. And it’s in that the Lord revealed to me and analogy to what I do.
It’s just like hide and go seek. I was always the “smart” kid when it came to this game. Why run forever away and find best hiding spot when you can find a mediocre hiding spot near “base.” That way when the person who was it got close and you got scared…you only had to dart a small distance to safety. It wasn’t quite as thrilling or exciting as venturing far away, but it was a heck of a lot safer…and that’s what I do now. I venture a little bit into recovery…but still keep my ED in sight…and then when I reach that magic number that always scares me…I run back to base…because it’s nice and close. So I am scared to break past that weight barrier because it will mean getting further from ED and thus further from my “base.” But today God revealed to me that I need to distance myself from the ED “base” that provides illusion of reality…I need to venture out in the open where I feel there is no place to hide…because there I will find the true “base,” true “home”, true place of security with Him. But as long as ED base is in sight and I stay in this tiny weight window…I will always run back to ED “base” because its closer. I will still want it because I can see it. But if I take tiny steps further and further away…push past the fear…ED will become a distant base and my eyes will be able to focus on my true home and the will that God has for me. And then when things get tough…I will run to the base that will bring security: The arms of my Father.