Today has been a roller coaster of a day. Full of victories, but also of fight. Let’s start with this morning. I decided not to go on a run because I knew I had an ultimate frisbee playoff game and honestly I was sore form run yesterday. Instead, I woke up, took shower, and at b-fast at a “normal” b-fast time. I then set-off to come back to school with a meal timing set in place.
On way to school I got hungry before my set time and let myself eat a little early (okay I did let the hunger persist an extra 30 minutes, but it’s an improvement). I started to get scared when realized it didn’t fulfill my hunger. Even scarier was when I started to think about the rest of my menu for today. I knew I would be facing peanut butter, but also I was craving a banana and craisins….too big fears of mine due to calories. I also knew there was mahi-mahi instead of my safer flounder in the fridge back home. I started to panick.
The numbers started to swirl in my head as I started to compare today numerically to days in the past. Fear started to rise, but I also knew at that point not eating what I was craving was purely listening to ED. It was in that moment I got pissed. Here I was, hungry and simply just trying to plan my day, and ED was trying to keep me stuck in numbers. Honestly…I’m done with it. Done with choosing food off calories or fat or sodium or whatever. I want to do as my nutritionist has tried to get me to do and just trust cravings and exchanges. Trusting calories got me to the panicked, obsessed, crazed state I am in now…listening to my mind got me here too. Maybe I should give exchanges and my body a chance for once. So I committed to the scarier thing and honestly, thanks to the hunger, was feeling okay about it.
As I unpacked and got started with lunch basically on time I was still feeling pretty good. Lunch didn’t fill me up which scared me, but I knew I had the PB on a bagel snack left. I actually went into it with excitement, not fear. I actually enjoyed the taste and honestly wanted more PB. It was also the first time I have gotten an honest full T of PB when my nutritionist has asked me to. No divets…a full tablespoon. ED had a few not so kind words to say about that and was even mad that I didn’t weigh the PB…but who in the world weighs peanut butter? I mean seriously! So I moved on and went to guide dog training, packing a snack so I could stick to timing.
It was awesome. I got to be present at guide dog foundation. Wasn’t thinking about bagel just had or the snack I had with craisins waiting for me…I just was in the moment. It was amazing and freeing. Then, I raced back to my car to get to my UF game…and this is where things took a turn. I had my snack in car and was even a little hungry after. I was still feeling good because was still a little hungry. But then I played the game. It was our playoff game and we ended up losing and as soon as the game was over ED started saying I didn’t play hard enough. Didn’t burn enough. That I needed to do more. I then got a not so kind text from someone I cared about and to me the solution to both was easy…do an extra 10 minute workout video when I got back to the dorm. I wasn’t sweaty…wasn’t out of breath..so I needed to .
I got back to my dorm and my mind was swirling. I was torn. I mean I knew doing the video wasn’t the most recovery-oriented decision, but I honestly just didn’t feel that tired from the video and all my hunger was gone. I just wanted to do something. So I will be honest…I pulled up the video online and even pressed play. I even did all of 10 seconds, but my legs were screaming. So what did I do…I pressed stop. I realized what I was doing was wrong. It was purely ED trying to take back control because I have a weigh-in tom and thus he wanted me to feel I had to earn my food. But my body was tired…I needed to listen to my body. My mind might have said I needed more, but my body was saying I had done enough.
So I stopped the video. Do I feel proud like I did earlier in the day? Motivated? Confident in my decision and in the weigh-in tomorrow? No..not at all. I honestly am more scared than I have been all day. But I also know it was the right decision. I know it is what my team would have wanted me to do. They wouldn’t have approved more exercise after the game. They would have wanted me to take a shower and get on with dinner. I know it was the right decision and though it may not feel right, though my mind is saying it was wrong…I know…in my heart…it was the recovery-oriented decision.
Yes, I have lost the motivation I had earlier. I have lost the burning anger at ED and instead am scared about tomorrow. But I am trying to stay in today. In tonight. In doing the next right thing. It may not feel right in the moment, but if it is what my team would want…if it goes against what ED is saying…then I just have to do it. I am learning it’s okay if your drive for recovery wanes…it doesn’t mean your fight has to end. In fact, it’s in those moments you turn to God, ask for His strength, and realize just how strong you are. You do the next right thing in blind faith knowing that the only other option is ED…and going back to ED just isn’t worth it. Even a brief moment back with ED isn’t worth risking the misery. You do the next right thing out of a have to…and you pray for God to change your want to. You do it in obedience and trust as you wait for your passion to come back.
It doesn’t feel right, but it is right. Just ask what your team or what God or what your future self/husband or what your family would have you do (whichever is biggest motivation for you to recover) and then you do that thing. Take it one moment, one decision, one thought at a time. Take it step by step and just keep doing the next right thing.