Saturday, July 13, 2013

Living in Limbo...

I honestly just feel so lost. I can’t keep living in this limbo anymore. I keep gaining weight, getting close to 90 lbs, then getting scared and losing back. It’s like I am living in this limbo between recovery and ED. I choose recovery for a short time, knowing full well I can go back to ED when times get tough and I do. That way I’m neither fully in ED or fully in recovery.

I know I don’t want to be fully in my ED…because I don’t want to die. That is what keeps me from it. Plus, I like the joy I feel when I am eating larger meal plan and nourishing my body. But then…idk. It’s not that I don’t want recovery. I really, really want recovery.

Yes please! Can I live here!
 I really want to be able to eat whatever I want, exercise because I want to, go to cycling class then go out to eat with my cycling buddies. I want to nourish my body, build muscle, and move on with life. I want to be free to date and one day be married. I want to go out to Denver free from this. I want to be an ED therapist and help others see their way out. I want to have me, my husband, and our dogs living in a cabin with tons of land. Doing bible studies together in the morning as we sip coffee in the rocking chairs and our dogs run in the yard. That’s what I want. Maybe kids I don’t know. But at least to be married and happy. Not thinking of food or exercising. Just living and loving life. I know that isn’t possible in my ED.

My image of recovery. Simple...yet I feel impossible.

But then I don’t want recovery. I don’t want the weight gain part of it. I don’t want the fear I have to feel. I don’t want to have to eat the foods I have avoided for so long unsure of if they will make me balloon. I don’t want to see my body change and have others see it too…especially not now that that is going to have to happen at school so I know people will see. But idk…maybe people seeing it will help open doors for people to ask questions, me to share my story, and me to encourage others. I just don’t want this unknown. I am scared of this unknown. But heck I hate this limbo too.

It’s miserable. Because when I feel freedom I know it’s short-lived and when I am in relapse I make it really bad so I can lose weight quickly and get back to freedom. I mean it’s obvious I want that freedom…it’s just the fear that holds me back.

But maybe I had something there a few paragraphs back. I am so scared of people seeing me gain weight because I am scared they will make fun of me. But what if people seeing me gain weight is actually inspirational. What if there are people out there who I don’t even know who are struggling with similar things and seeing me push through their fear helps them. That would be awesome.

I mean I am hoping it could inspire some of you who read this blog. That is I choose recovery, push through the fear, maybe it could give someone out there hope. Even just helping one person would make it worth it. But still…I’m scared of the people who don’t know about my ED and see me gain. What will they think?
That’s why I am scared to go back to school heavier. I am scared what my coworkers will think. But I am going to have to gain during the school year…so they are going to see it and I guess I just have to get over it. But I mean I think about it and the friends I have who have lapsed and then gained and I saw them gain either in person or through pictures…those are the people who have motivated me. Seeing them do well…seeing them choose recovery…and know how scary it is…it made me feel maybe it was possible for me.

Wow! Didn’t expect to come to that conclusion in this post. That maybe ED is lying and people won’t make fun of me, but may be inspired by my weight gain. Maybe people will see it as a good not a bad thing.

Still I feel stuck in this limbo. Maybe this next time I go to recovery mode since in lapse right now…maybe it will really be my last time. I will need to ask for support as I break through and continue to push on past the certain number I have as a barrier in my mind. But maybe this time instead of running when that fear comes up I will just push through. I have been doing tons of research on how to make weight restoration easier…and all I find is Just Do It. It sucks, its scary, but you just push on and it gets easier.

I’m not sure…but I know I don’t want ED. I know I only run back to ED to avoid the fear. This is why I am so happy about getting an ED therapist finally. Because I need to learn to deal with my emotions. I need to learn to accept weight gain instead of waiting for the next time I can lose it. I need to learn how to work through the fear, disgust, anger, and tears that come up when I gain….and with the uncertainty that comes in weight gain and the rate it will occur at. I need to stop using behaviors, and start facing emotions. I need to break free of this limbo. I need to pray to God to make my want to bigger than my scared to. Thanks for letting me vent. 

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