Well as you all (may have) read earlier God pulled me out of relapse today. I was so excited this morning! I was so excited to work towards my future because I was miserable in relapse. But as you (may have) also read, ED snuck in and stole that joy with this whole idea that somehow this morning when I weighed I thought I saw one number but was so tired I saw number wrong. Yes…I know that makes no sense…but the thought has taken over all day. Keeps popping up and I keep trying to rationalize my way out of it, but no amount of proof at how it is a lie is proving it wrong or giving me any peace.
I just keep on getting caught up in the thought and I just want to let it go. There is so much proof, but my mind says I don’t have anything concrete like a photo. Well, I just realized this means I would have to trust myself…trust that I saw it right…and I struggle with trust. Good news….I kept with plan today despite the thought, fear, and overwhelming desire to wait till tom. I am just pushing through the fear and talking to God about it all.
God has also shown me that even without the proof it’s obvious this is a lie. Why? Because when I think and trust that I saw weight right this morning I am filled with joy, peace, and praise of God. If I even start to slightly let brain think saw wrong….it’s like an avalanche and I am paralyzed with fear, anxiety, thoughts of restricting, and far from God. So it’s obvious thought is scheme of the enemy (aka ED or satan…whatever you want to call him) to take the glory from God that the victory of today should bring. It’s obvious that it’s the enemy trying to steal joy. So I should choose to trust God, myself, and heck…reason and believe what I saw this morning was right and that I was supposed to do plan today!
But enough about that. Where Am I At this Wednesday. Well..I am hopeful and scared and all sorts of frustrated. Let’s take this one at a time.
Hopeful…well that’s easy. I am out of my lapse and making the right decisions today (even ate full portions of things I usually restrict) and facing fear foods. I was so busy at work that I didn’t even have time to think of exercising so so far so good with that.
Bad news is I struggled with meal timing a ton. It’s so annoying because I do it to myself and feel miserable for it. I refuse to go back to semi-recovery where I only do part of my agreement. I want to commit to meal timing because it’s important and its something I am supposed to be doing and thus needs to be done. I am still though hopeful that I will get back on track and I am accepting that today wasn’t perfect.
This brings me to a new part of my agreement that my N added in through e-mail today and to the next emotion….scared. Basically, I always struggle with knowing when it comes to food decisions what is me craving something and what is ED telling me I am craving something. So new rule is this. When I am questioning how much or what to eat I have to go with whatever is higher calorie/sodium/fear option. That way it’s a guarantee its not ED. It’s been hard, but even been doing that today. And it’s saved me from a lot of e-mails and thinking and all that.
So now onto frustrated…well that comes from this stupid recurring thought. I keep trying to just let go of it to just trust….but it comes right back. And now I have fears circling because about to go on trip with family and we just planned meals. I am having to push myself…to face major fear foods…and to meet meal plan on a trip. It’s going to be hard and I am trying to just let the thoughts go, but again they keep coming too. Like that I am going to gain a ton more. And so idk…I am just frustrated that I have to feel this fear.
But overwhelmingly, this Wed I am hopeful and positive. I am happy to be out of relapse and happy about where I am going, but I am scared too. Going to try and just take it day by day, meal by meal, moment by moment. Going to try and enjoy this time with my family since my meals are already planned out. Going to try and just relax, because soon it is back to school. But I am just so scared to be honest. But pushing into the fear…I just have to push through the fear.