Wednesday, July 10, 2013

WIAW: Recovery update, not food edition

So it’s another rendention of my spin on WIAW (What I Ate Wed...but I am doing Where I'm At Wed) and sorry to say, there aren’t any food pics this time, because I just want this to be an honest post about where I am at in recovery today.

Well…I had weigh-in this morning and it didn’t do what I wanted it to do and I got scared because that didn’t scare me. That’s right…I got scared by the lack of fear. Strange, I know. In fact, my fear of the lack of fear kept me from sticking to my plan or making any recovery decisions, because I wanted to wait for my nutrition appt.

Well…the appt snapped me out of my fear of the lack of fear. It’s just scary to feel myself mentally changing and to know I am physically changing as well. But the reality is if I want a life other than my ED, things are going to have to change. If I feel things are normal…that’s almost bad, because it means I am still acting in my ED. So I did snap out of it and have gotten back on track…something that is great about ED recovery. If you make a mistake, you can choose to the next moment to go back to recovery. One slip doesn’t have to make for a horrid day.

And that brings me to my nutritionist session. We met in  the middle with what she wanted me to do and what I was willing to do. The weigh-in I will admit filled me with some trepadation. I have been hungrier than normal lately and honestly didn’t feel I had gained…but I had. Of course…my brain is saying it’s a fluctuation…we will see. But enough about that.

My nutritionist wanted to increase the meal plan, but I just didn’t feel I could. Instead we are implementing rules to get me to diversify my diet and stop eating foods for numbers but start eating them for nutrients. This means I always have to choose to eat a food if it is calories that are holding me back. It also means facing 5 fear foods this week. AND…the craziest one for me….is eating a real dessert but can’t count it as anything.

So those are the goals for this week and to stick with meal timing which has been going better. But I don't know…I’m just kind of down about recovery. It hit me I am going back to school in two weeks and nowhere close to where I wanted to be after the summer….in fact mentally I feel I am worse than I was at school. I just kept letting myself lapse because school seemed so far away…but it’s not.

And I feel my nutritionist has just given up on me. She is just letting me get away with whatever I want just to appease me, and that is not at all what I need. And then in session today she just kept asking: “What do you want Jessica? Seriously, what do you want?” I want to recover! I do…that doesn’t mean I want to gain weight. So yes…I’m still disorder. Yes, I didn’t want to eat today. But I did anyway…and these guilt trips don’t help.

So I don’t know where I am. Trying to rely on God and not my own understanding…but it’s hard. Today I have the opposite of extreme hunger and I am just so frustrated with my body. I just want it to figure out what it is going to do. So I am fed up, angry, depressed, and scared for the future. But for today I am just gonna go through the motions of recovery and hope for a better tomorrow. 

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