This morning I weighed despite huge increase yesterday. But timing much better yesterday. Still I was scared and I cried out to God. I got on scale…literally shaking, and my weight was down…and I almost started crying. In that moment, ED was proven wrong....and I saw that I could trust God and my body...that everything would be okay. That I needed to let go of the scale and just trust. I praised God for it and then ED came in with his reasoning. I had prayed God would show me I could trust N and increase and food and body, but ED was determined despite God doing this he would tempt me otherwise. So weight being down became about being more active yesterday or just being a fluke.
This moment made me realize what I trust is a choice. I can choose to trust God…to view the scale through His eyes…that if it is down it means I can trust body…that I may need more nutrients…or whatever I feel my heart saying. And if it goes up a crazy amount its most likely fluctuation (unlike ED who says its food). Otherwise ED always wins with scale. If it’s up it’s always food to blame and not trust, if it’s down….it’s never about trusting food. That is unless I choose to trust food no matter what the scale says. To trust God has my weight in His hands and knows what He is doing.
So I went along my day with the thought of this weigh-in always there. Kept trying to figure out what it meant…so then I decided if still had extreme hunger of yesterday…well that means that weigh-in because of food.
That probably would have been good had I stuck to my meal timing. But because ED said timing doesn’t matter since I’m not weighing till Wed…well…that didn’t work out. And thanks to some other things causing high anxiety and having to eat really close to each other and of course choosing high fiber items and accidentally taking too much Citrucel…well I felt really full instead of really hungry. And that was enough to have me throw in towel and go to nutritionist telling her what was right and that I wouldn’t do plan. Told that to some of my support to. Then they hit me back with harsh reality.
I keep doing things and trying to understand food, body, weight, fullness…all these things that aren’t always understandable. I keep trying to enforce my own control yet say that I am trusting people. But I am not really trusting. Trusting means committing to your plan no matter what..commiting to eating meal plan despite anything..letting no excuses get in the way. But me….I seek out excuses…one tiny thing goes wrong and I want to run back to ED. That’s not trust…that’s not even recovery..it’s just living a temporary lie.
Not only that but I keep saying I can’t trust my body, yet I don’t even give it a chance. I don’t commit to meal timing or even a meal plan that would help my GI system and metabolism regulate so weight and hunger/fullness can repair. Why…because my body does something I deem “wrong” even though I have no right to do so…and then I run back to ED. I say I can’t trust body, but geez my body can’t trust me. I need to give it a chance to heal…so we can learn together to trust each other.
So I have committed to my N to give her at least till our appt on Wed. No matter what stick to meal plan, to timing, and to no exercise. If I screw up timing…well then the three days of trust is gonna have to restart and push past our appt. But after the misery I feel tonight thanks to timing sucking…well…I want the dang meal timing.
Oh and that fullness that was going to knock me off my plan….it went away and hunger came back. Had I trusted God…and heck…presented my fears and unbelief to Him to help me with…would have saved a lot of misery and time. This new agreement I think will help with that. Because I am commiting to not letting the fear turn me to ED. Instead I need to turn to trust and ask God to help me. I deserve and need to give myself a chance at freedom. A true chance. Not a temporary, guideline filled, wt/feeling/fullness dependent chance. But a---nothing is going to get in the way of giving this my all—chance. And that is only going to be possible if I stay in the moment, not wonder about weight, and completely rely on God and my meal plan. Keep a positive focus and think of what freedom will mean and how great it will be come Wed when ED’s lies are proven wrong.