So…here I sit again relapsing. Though wt was down from yesterday this morning meaning I have only gained x lbs in a week on this plan…I have chosen to relapse. That’s right…chosen. That’s what sucks about these relapses I am in now…I don’t unknowingly slip into them…I am choosing them. Sitting, contemplating, realizing (and being pestered by the thought) that what I am doing isn’t right and is completely ED. Yet..I am choosing ED. I am choosing to exercise and restrict. And this time it’s even worse…because
I am choosing to do this and I really don’t want to.
It’s weird. I am waiting for someone to tell me the right thing to make me not do this again. I am trying to make a definite end point. And I am trying to figure out how I am going to stop this new pattern I have gotten into. Gain weight, freak out when get close to x lbs, lose the weight back, get back on plan, gain weight, freak out….and so on and so on. It’s like it’s some way to cheat the system. To experience recovery without commiting to it. And it’s wrong. Reality is, in order to recover I am going to have to stop this pattern. I am going to have to break the weight barrier I have in my head and just keep gaining. Even if it is a faster rate some weeks that I want. Even if my brain yells for me to go back to restricting, I am going to have to push on.
Honestly, I know today I could do that. I know that deep down, because I honestly don’t want to even do this. I want to do my plan. Especially since weight starting to go back down on its own. What if it could keep going down without me having to restrict? But now I won’t ever know because I chose to exercise again and have plan set out to restrict. It’s so frustrating. And I don’t even know the goal of this relapse. Do I want to lose back to x? Or to y? Or do I want to just restrict till see new therapist on Thursday? Honestly…I don’t want this to last longer than today. I honestly don’t even know why I am doing this?
So to make myself feel somewhat better and to make me not feel like a complete asshole for going against God…I am using this lapse to make sure and guarantee I get full portions, especially if use food scale. That’s something I started slipping on again. But I realized something this morning when I did that at b-fast.
You see restricting anything now when I am logging calories means I am eating less than the calories I say I am eating and with how low they are that’s dangerous so I really need to ensure I eat them all. Well…I realized this applies when/if I go back to old plan…the same thing applies. Restricting portions for my exchanges is restricting the nutrients that exchange represents which is even more important than calories. It’s means missing out on fiber, protein, vitamins, minerals…whatever my body needs. And the things/amts I restrict are so minimal caloric wise that they probably wouldn’t make a difference to add back in…other than the fact it would stomp ED to the ground.
So when/if I go back to this plan…which will be easier knowing only makes gian x lbs/week and that I will be going on it after restricting less than had before…I am going to make sure to get full portions. I am also going to (try) to only weigh weekly or maybe biweekly. This every day thing is so confusing.
So I am really hoping somehow I manage to drop back to…idk… I just somehow hope and pray it happens overnight so this doesn’t have to drag out. Heck…maybe I will just go back to plan tomorrow. I don’t know….for today just going to focus on full portions and eating what I have planned. Even doing a fear food. But really…I need to break out of this pattern. I need to just buckle in, lean on God, and gain this weight.
Have you ever found yourself stuck in this cycle? How did you break free? Are you in this cycle now?