Getting Choosy

So I have learned a lot about choices today. The choices I have in recovery that ED tells me I don’t. Where to start…the morning seems best.

Well today was a snow day which meant all classes cancelled. Most people on campus excited about this and part of me was t. But the ED part of me was not. In ED’s world all this meant was I would be walking less and would miss spin class. So ED crafted a nifty illusion. He told me I had to do an hour workout because I didn’t have spin. Otherwise it just wouldn’t be right of me. And I knew I had a choice. I knew I could choose to just take the day off…but instead I chose to negotiate with my hostage taker. Bad choice.

I decided I would base my decision off of the scale. I now see that wasn’t making a choice at all. It was letting a number rule me again. ED told me I had to weigh today anyway because I was supposed to originally when I had a N session today (that was cancelled because of the snow too). The truth: I could have chosen not to weigh. To decide to take a rest day because I needed to. But that is not the choice I made and because weight slightly up I decided to exercise.

I won’t get into details, but ED took hold fast at that point. He knew he had me. He took control of my exercise decisions and my morning. Over and over making me feel I didn’t have a choice.

With me cornered he decided to take over my meal planning for the day too. I hadn’t planned out today the night before like I usually do because I thought I would have an N session. ED had the reigns and now he was Master Chef. He was choosing what I was “allowed” today because of my weight. He told me I didn’t have a choice unless I wanted to be fat. He chose the lowest calorie options for everything. But then I started getting craving. Cravings not in his safe list and he wasn’t happy. Especially not when I had disobeyed him at breakfast and weighed but not torn my English muffin and also gotten the right amount of prunes.

I started to panic. ED told me I couldn’t eat what I was craving…just think of the calories. I couldn’t do it. But thinking of eating what ED planned made me feel miserable. Surprise, surprise…ED makes me feel miserable. Same old story. So I went to dining hall planning on getting what ED wanted. I literally felt chained down. Each step to the dining hall I felt I was marching to my prison.

I did the only thing I could think. I texted my support. But no one responded. I was at that place I talked about a few posts ago. Alone. Just me, myself, and my moments. So I decided to journal. And I realized ED was lying to me. ED was telling me I had no choice because of the calories. ED was telling me I had to obey him because I had earlier that day. But these were all lies.

It was true…I couldn’t choose that calories are permanently etched in my brain. That when I look at food I see numbers. That is just my reality. That is what years of training with ED has done. I couldn’t erase the fact I knew my weight. These numbers were there. But I had a choice of what to do with them. I could choose to submit myself to these numbers or to submit the numbers to God by eating what I wanted. I could choose to know the numbers, but not let them and ED decide what I eat. Was it the easy choice? No! But it was my choice.

At first I thought: “Okay. I will just do some of the things I want, but “balance them out” with what ED wanted.” Then I remembered this morning. Where negotiating with ED had gotten me. I realized I could choose freedom. Choose my purpose. Or I could choose ED. And giving ED any pleasure by letting him choose even a single part of the meals and snacks I had left…that wasn’t choosing my purpose. So I chose my purpose. I chose to eat what I wanted. To know the calories and do it anyway. 

I am scared….that is so true. But I am also excited and happy. I am happy because I am doing what I wanted. That little girl inside is smiling because I am telling her its okay to eat. That the numbers she was made slave to don’t have to control her anymore. That what she wants matters. And I’m excited because by disobeying ED I have the opportunity to see he is wrong.

This is the reality of what ED looks like. You really want
that making your decisions?

So when ED says you don’t have a choice stop in your tracks. Stop and realize your choices. Because ED will only tell you you don’t have a choice when he gets scared. When he realizes how strong you are and that if you choose to go against him you will be free. When he realizes you are outsmarting him and seeing him for the scrawny, puny, liar he is. So stop, realize your choices, and choose the scarier one, the freeing one, the one ED is screaming not to take. That choice is where you will find freedom, peace, and Truth. That is the choice you deserve.

Oh..and in case you are curious…here were my choices.

• For Lunch ED wanted my usual safe options for veggie and starches. I chose to do broccoli, sweet potato, and black beans!
• For dinner ED wanted oatmeal for 2 starches which actually is against my plan. I went with grits like I wanted.

Comment below or e-mail me or use the comment form to let me know whether you all want me to post pics of my freedom foods/meals. Also, whether you want me to post my freedom foods list and update it as I face things. Love you all!

Stepping away from scale?

So it’s been a rough two days. I was flying high in recovery and then yesterday it all came crashing down. Why? Same culprit as always....and a culprit I am ready to let go of: the scale. I hope you will learn from me and start letting go of the scale too. 

 I woke up feeling thinner….but then I stepped on the scale and it was the complete opposite and I freaked. As much as I didn’t want to, I let the scale dictate my day.I was scared all day. In a bad mood all day. Cried for hours. Questioned every last morsel that went into my mouth. ED even creeped in and I used the food scale more than I should have. When my N e-mailed me to send me a surprise challenge of dessert that night I tried to combat her. I came up with so many excuses why I couldn’t or why it didn’t look good instead of just accepting the challenge like I wanted to do. In the end, I did it. And that's a step in the right direction....but I shouldn't let the scale dictate how I respond to my N...to a person trying to help set me free. 

I was miserable all day because of numbers on a scale. I even told myself it was most likely my last day in recovery and if I was even .1 lbs more today I would lapse. Well guess what…all that panic, all that fear…it was for nothing. I am right back down to the weight I started at this morning. The loss of control ED told me I had because weight was up..it was but an illusion. It was just what it was...water, poop, food...my body being a body. The scale wasn't a measure of control, but an illusion of some way I could measure if recovery was okay. And even when scale is down...recovery doesn't feel okay. 

 I woke up feeling miserable and scared and bloated this morning, but because weight was down it was a I felt free to eat what I wanted. Confident in my meal plan. At least for a moment.  I smiled and laughed today because I was able to live in the moments not in a number in my head. But even in this joy I realized ED was still in control. By stepping on a scale and letting the numbers dictate my day…ED is still in control. Even if it makes my day a good one...my trust, my joy, my moments shouldn't be dictated by an abritrary number that is just a measure of poop, fluid, and food. It's not my fault that I can't just step on a scale and let it be numbers...my brain just doesn't work that way right now. It's not healed yet. And so...I think I need to step away from the scale and go to weekly weighing. I need to do it for my purpose.

I want to be able to love life and enjoy my moments. I can’t do that with a number haunting me all day. A number that doesn’t even matter. I need to put my hope of recovery in God and my future and my purpose, not in my weight. Reality is my weight has to increase….and if I can’t accept that I need to only weigh with someone who can help me cope with it..my N.

I also realized there is so much deception in the scale. If weight is up more than I am comfortable it haunts me all day. ED uses it to tell me I can’t eat this or that. That I need to be more active. That I need to watch what I eat. That I need to relapse. That I can’t trust plan. The whole day this happens. He steals the joy of every moment. Sure I was still obedient yesterday despite his screaming, but I wonder what little miracles in the day I missed because I was blinded by the fog of the scale.

Now let’s look at days like today when the scale is down. The joy from that moment…it lasts only for a brief time. But I start to still question food and what I should eat and if I can eat the freedom foods I am craving. It’s the same chaos that is there when weight is up…it’s just easier to push through. I just find it funny. If weight up torment haunts me all day…if weight is down the freedom only lasts a few minutes. So…why do I want to weigh again?

I have always told people I need to weigh every day because it helps me…but I am realizing this is just a lie ED tells me. It’s clear to me weighing daily does not help. Weighing weekly with N will be good because it will be for the purpose of tracking progress and she will be there to silence ED…but on my own…there is just no positive. Sure…I get a brief break when weight doesn’t go up too much…but as I said…the fear is still there.

So why not feel the fear without the torment. I mean ED is obviously going to question everything I eat whether scale is up or down.  And if it’s down he won’t let me feel freedom. Like when I weighed this morning I was in such shock and ED started making excuses for why weight was down I didn’t realize all the lies ED told me that it broke. I ate dessert yesterday, I ate higher calorie options, I ate more nuts than normal, I didn’t spill cereal I always do…and I didn’t gain. But ED doesn’t let me see that when I weigh.

I want to weigh to feel like it’s safe to eat…but I need to start to know it’s safe to eat because others say it is. Because I know in my heart it is okay for me to nourish myself. I need to put my hope and trust in something other than a scale or ED will still have control over me. I want to be free to enjoy all the moments and miracles of the day and the scale just doesn’t allow that.

As my dad said in one of his last e-mails to me…you can’t negotiate with hostage takers (the hostage taker being ED). He was right. And every time I step on the scale..I am trying to negotiate with ED. Telling ED…okay don’t worry… I will disobey you, but if you are right and my weight jumps up I will come running back to you. And there is just no negotiating. My weight and food need to be non-negotiable things that belong to my N…not something I let ED use to dictate my day. So it’s time to stop negotiations and break free.

I need to take this step of faith…not the step I have taken every morning for so many years…not the step onto the scale…but the step of it. I need to take this step towards my purpose, my freedom, and truly trusting food. 

I am proud of myself for realizing this and praise God for the opportunity. I also praise Him, my friends, my stepmom, and the love I have felt from this blog for allowing me to stay in recovery. 4 days in...and its starting to feel okay...still have work I need to do...but it's getting easier. 

Would love to hear from you all through e-mail, comments, or the form on the side :) 

Day 2...a little tougher but doing it

It’s been very anxiety provoking day, both ED related and just life. But I feel good. Was able to bless someone else today and still was able to smile more today. So just thought I would drop in and share some triumphs as well as my imperfections

I must say though I got to live in the moment today and that felt good. It felt good to experience life outside of food. It was a little overwhelming at times..but also completely joyous at times too.

TRIUMPHS

• I weighed this morning and though the weight was up I was able to be okay with it and even to say it was up such a small amount it didn’t matter. Those of you with ED know how big deal that is. To be able to shrug off any weight increase as not enough to matter.
• I ate a cereal that wasn’t on my healthy list and I didn’t weigh it.
• Again I got the right amount of prunes.
• I got stuck in traffic which caused me to miss the time I would do snack. When I got back to dorm I did snack and lunch together. Normally, ED would have me push my snack till later at night. But I know my N doesn’t want me doing that. This was even scarier than not weighing foods. Eating earlier in the day for some reason freaks me out. I don’t know why…I used to be the never eat past 7pm person and now I get scared if I don’t have anything on meal plan left after 9 pm. It’s strange…
• I didn’t use food scale on tuna or pear at lunch and didn’t spill any seeds. The food scale did creep in on my veggie and on my peas, but that was honestly because my anxiety was so high.
• At dinner I ate a baked potatoe. Funny thing is I smuggled out two from my dining hall so I was debating before dinner whether I would eat the smaller or larger of the two…when I weighed them they were both the same size J So I just ate the one that looked better J And I didn’t cut off any part of it!
• I am not sure if this is triumph…but my founder was slighty under in grams. It was 107 g instead of 113g…and I decided to not freak out. To just take it as normal and move on J
• I ate dried craisins!
• In packing by breakfast for the morning I at first weighed my cereal…but I reclaimed the moment by re-measuring it in cup and not using food scale!
• I counted out 18 almonds for tomorrow and still weighed them…they were 18 instead of my 17 g….and I packed them that way anyway.
• Got right size bagel and right amount of spread.

Room to improve J

I knew recovery wouldn’t be perfect. And it hasn’t been, but I am a heck of a lot better than I have ever been. There are still things I want to change though.

• When I go to the grocery store I want to buy something that looks good without checking stats first. Even if I have to look at numbers I want to wait till I am home to do it.
• I want to be able to go through drive-thru at Starbucks and trust that they made my drink right instead of having to go in and watch them.
• I want to stop using the food scale on breakfast, but I have to talk to my N about how to go about this, because I have been using food scale so long that’s how we have always talked about my prune exchanges.
• I really want more freedom in choosing foods, but honestly at school especially on Sunday nights when dining hall closed I just can’t think of anything except for the same foods I always eat. I sent my N an e-mail about this and I bet we will discuss it Wed.
• I want to be able to take Sunday off and feel good about it.
• I want to eat mustard without counting it towards spread on bagel. 

Recovery Day 1: My moments

You want to know ED's favorite day...tomorrow. I wrote that amazing post yesterday...was feeling motivated...woke up these morning feeling bloated and defeated. Honestly, it was because I had a nightmare last night and was scared to weigh-in. I just knew I would be dissapointed. I also felt guilty because last night I told God I would get in recovery today if my wt was x....same old behavior I always do. I stepped on the scale and the impossible happened. Despite all the freedom I allowed last night my weight was x. I was astonished and immediately didn't want to recover. ED provided plenty of reasons and excuses as to why I could wait till tomorrow. But I stopped. I stopped and remember what I wrote. Then I read an amazing text from my stepmom. 

I stopped..I claimed the moment. I decided enough was enough. There were no more tomorrows. There was just now. And I had to get back in recovery. I needed to live my purpose. I needed to live period. I decided to take today and claim each moment. To claim and live my glorious purposely. 

Honestly..it sucked. A lot of me was and is screaming not to do it. I was constantly thinking about my weight and second guessing every decision. But every time I guess I asked myself which one pushed me to my purpose. Which I would be able to write about on this blog and know it may inspire others. And when I didn’t know the answer, I reached out and asked. And when the answer I got was harder choice…I did that. It's been hard..it's been scary...but it's been worth it. Sure...I don't feel that happy right now...but I feel a heck of a lot better than I did in relapse yesterday. And I do have some joy because I am doing what ED said I couldn't...I am living.

I also did a purge...of everything ED. I threw away all my ED foods. The small bagels I stashed up because I knew they were under the normal size. The diet foods I eat only because ED makes me. The foods ED tells me I can never eat because of x,y,z. But that I don't really want either. I just have them so ED can remind me I can't have them. It felt good…I just cleared it all out. Got rid of all the shadows of ED. And then I claimed my moments. I am going to post my moments today as they happen. It's like a live feed :) 

Breakfast

•  ED has made me keep my prunes at 20g when N wants at 23-24g…I did 23.
• ED wanted me to make sure I overcooked oatmeal so it spilled over the side. I made sure I didn’t.
• ED wanted me to tear my English muffin since it seemed to large. Sadly, I did weigh it and saw it was a few grams larger..but I re-claimed my moment and didn’t tear it or leave any behind. Recovery isn’t perfect, but that’s what makes it beautiful.

Lunch

• I didn’t weigh the following which I usually do: pear, tuna, fiber one cereal
• ED said I could not weigh my pear, as long as made sure I didn’t cut it close to the core. I cut it as close to the core as I could get it.
• ED said I needed to restrict my portions and make sure divets in the measuring cup for cereal and tuna. I made sure it was right to the brim.
• ED said since I was weighing the sweet potato I needed to make sure to restrict the portion. I made sure I weighed it only to ensure I got minimum I needed.
• ED said I couldn’t eat tomatoes I wanted. I got tomatoes.
• ED said I needed to weigh the tomatoes and I did. I weighed the tomatoes to ensure I got the right amount to be a whole cup.
• ED said to spill some of my sunflower seeds like I always do. I made sure every kernel got into my mouth.

Dinner Started to get harder here. Trying not to think about snacks later…

• ED said I needed to weigh peas or skimp them. I measured them and get a full cup..no weight needed.
• ED said only get 3 oz cod. The fish was 3.2 oz and I accepted that and ate it all.
• Ed said I shouldn’t add snack to dinner and should just force myself to eat late. I knew this was a trick so later ED would tell me not to eat snack…so I added snack to dinner.
• ED said since this was snack I just added back I needed to do lower cal yogurt. I chose higher calorie yogurt I wanted.
• For the same reason ED said I needed to weigh my fruit to make sure it was small enough. I didn’t weigh the apple and cut it close to the core. 

Bagel snack

During my relapse ED had me stock up on small bagels. I always planned to use these when I got back in recovery because they would mean less calories. At that point, recovery was still a joke and I hadn’t realized my purpose. God’s purpose. That I mattered. My store mattered. So…crying and shaking I rid myself of all the small bagels and got bigger ones. I still feel disgusted and horrible for this. I desperately want the safety of a smaller bagel, but that is not my purpose. I so much more want to be able to grab a bagel with a friend. To be free…to be normal. I want to be able to tell you all bagels are awesome no matter the size. That it doesn’t matter. So in the moment…I chose my purpose and what I wanted. I did the bigger bagel and the higher-cal spread I wanted. Because size and cals…they can’t rule me anymore. 

Final Snack

This was last snack of night and ED was screaming about how disgusting I am and how fat I would be. Despite this I ate the snack I wanted without thinking calories.

So it's been an exhausting day....and it's time to call it a night. I feel drained, exhausted and ED is screaming. But I know this is what I needed to do...and eventually it won't be this hard. Thanks for being a motivation and inspiration. I hope and pray tomorrow treats me okay.

Found my power

I realized something talking to my stepmom today. I realized I lost my path. Not really lost it…just never really found it.

When I started recovery and had the burning passion in me to fight…it was when I had a vision that my life, my recovery, my story mattered. But somewhere along the way I lost that. I started to recover so I could be a good therapist. That didn’t work. So then I relapsed and tried to recover so I could run. That didn’t work. Relapse. On and on…I cycled through different motivations trying to find the glass slipper that fit: for my education, for Denver, to stay out of inpatient, for my dad, then for my dad’s memory. None of it fit. They kept me motivated for at most a good month…but when faced with the fear of weight gain…they weren’t enough.

You want to know why? Because I figured it out. The reason is. I will never recover until I do it for me. Until I realize once again that my story matters. That I matter. That my life is meant to be a light to others. That my recovery is meant to help others heal. That God put me on this earth for a purpose and it sure as heck wasn’t to live in an eating disorder. This thing is holding me back from my purpose. The misery of this disorder is keeping me from my destiny. It’s making my life nothing more than numbers…and its making it seem like it doesn’t matter. But it does.

My dad tried to speak this into me when he was alive and I would tell him I was “doing this for him.” He kept telling me I have to do it for myself. Well dad you were right. Because at the end of the day..I am all I have.

When ED is yelling in my ear to use a food scale, restrict a portion, skip a fear food…I am the only one there and the only one with the power to do the right thing. My dad isn’t there physically. My family isn’t there. My friends aren’t there. In those moments I could care less about my education, my future, having kids. In those moments not even making God proud can motivate me. I have to do it for me. Because I am all I have in those moments.

So it’s time I realize my life matters. That my life is meant to make an impact. Not my future life. Not my life when I am recovered. But my life now. No matter how disordered it may seem it is meant to make an impact. And every moment…every choice..it can either be a moment/choice to help free someone, or to keep me held captive and to keep hope from being released. If I choose ED I choose to say I have no purpose. That my life is nothing more than numbers. That I can’t make an impact. I choose to lie to myself. To spit on the face of everything my dad tried to instill in me. And I can’t do that. Not any more.

Instead every moment, every choice…I will choose the truth. I will choose to say I matter. My story matters. That moment matters. That moment has power. The power to set this captive free. The power to bring hope. The power to bring healing. The power to change lives. To save lives. I will choose to turn my back on ED.

And I may slip. I am human. But then I will have the choice to let the slip define me and run back to ED, or let the moment define me. The moment right there. The moment that has the choice for me to get back on track. To show I can get knocked down, but won’t stay there. The moment to show recovery isn’t perfect, but that’s what makes it beautiful. That life gets messy, but it’s in the mess we find meaning.

So this is my new take on recovery. My new fight. I’m not fighting for someone else. I’m not fighting for my future. I’m not fighting to escape my past. I am fighting for me..and the power of the moment. 

And by the way. You matter too. Your moment matters too. You have a purpose. A beautiful purpose. You have lives you are going to impact. Lives you are impacting. Every choice you make has the potential to change someone's life. To change your life. To release hope. To release freedom. Claim your moment. Find your freedom. FIGHT!

P.s--I just put this into action as I pressed enter and at the same time dropped my bowl of soup. Instead of just eating the small amount left...I made a new bowl of soup and ate it all. Even though had already taken bites before spilled. This moment mattered. 

ED proven wrong..again..

So I did all those fears yesterday. I ate the baked potato, fought through pain and bloating, did my meal plan, ate freedom foods galore and I was scared. Beyond scared. I can’t even tell you all the names ED was calling me last night. The angry, horrible things he was whispering in my ear as I tried to fall asleep. I cried out to the Lord. Literally, sobbing, crying…just asking for peace. And I fell asleep.

I woke up in sheer panic because I knew I had to take the march ED makes me take every morning. The march to the scale. This is one thing that will be going when I get back fully into recovery. But for now..I still took the march. As much as I didn’t want to believe the horrible things ED was telling me, as much as I woke up and for the first time in forever felt small and thin….I kept believing what ED was saying. That I had gained a ton overnight, that I was huge, that I was disgusting for eating last night. And I marched to the scale….ready for him to be right. I prayed to God before. I prayed that he let me cope with the huge gain I was about to be greeted with.

I stepped on the scale shaking with fear. I clenched my eyes tight while keeping them wide enough to see the numbers…the numbers that were…DOWN? What? Could it be! My mind exploded, heart exploded….excitement took me over. The pride I longed for last night. I had done the right thing and ED was wrong? Could it be!

I stepped on the scale over and over and the same lower number flashed on the screen. It was the most freeing amazing experience. Sure…ED kept yelling at me today…but I did something I haven’t done before…not even when the numbers go down. I told ED he was wrong. I said to him “You were wrong last night. You have been wrong before. I am choosing to trust whatever my N says. I am choosing to trust the guidelines she set. They were right last night and I want to see them be right again.”

So for today when ED yelled I couldn’t eat oatmeal as one starch because of the high calories that would make me gain I told him he said the same about the potato last night and was wrong. I told him I was going to listen to my N and count it right. I ate oatmeal as one starch.

When ED said I couldn’t eat dinner early because I was too full and shouldn’t eat it at all with how full and lazy I was I told him he said the same thing last night and again was wrong. I ate dinner early and even enjoyed it.

When ED said I should restrict my topping on bagel because I had gum, I told him he said the same thing yesterday with bagel topping and was wrong. I told him gum didn’t count because N says didn’t count and I ate right topping.

When ED said I couldn’t eat a Cutie instead of a pear because more calories I told him all fruits are equal and I told him he said the same thing as to why I couldn’t eat fiber tortilla day before vs corn tortilla and was wrong. I ate the Cutie and didn’t even tear it like ED wanted.

So here is to believing in something other than ED. Letting the facts be used against ED instead of to support him. I have trusted him my whole life. Trusted him for comfort, peace, and even sometimes weight loss that never came. I never was happy. I never felt thin. I was just miserable.

Last night I trusted God, my N, my friends….and they turned out right. And tonight..tonight I am trusting them again. It’s time to give Truth a chance. 

Happy Celebration of Life Day

My phone let me know this morning it was Celebration of Life Day...so what did I do to celebrate life today:

• I did two blog post even that mind told me nobody would care
• My weight was not what I wanted, but I didn't drop more exchanges
• I gave up things I wanted to do in order to help someone else. 
• I ate a baked potato. I got two...weighed them...ED wanted smaller one to "save" calories especially since still not back on full plan. I went with bigger one. He said that was fine if I cut it to in-between size. I didn't cut it. I told myself about the potassium it provided not the calories. 
• I ate bagel I wanted despite being higher calorie. 
• I honored my dad by choosing bagel wanted and doing bigger potato. 
• I had every excuse to not eat. Stomach issues from meds make it physically painful to eat. Timing got off due to unforseen circumstances. Wt wasn't where I wanted. But I chose life...for today I chose life..I chose to eat what I had planned. Just like my dad always told me to do and in order to celebrate life. My dad's life, my friends supporting me lives...and my life. 

So today...I chose life..I celebrated life. And these tummy issues....hopefully they will be ending. Apparently I am having allergic reaction to the medication that was supposed to solve it and it's only made things worse. Today involved face swelling, choking feeling, nausea, loss appetite, and fullness. So doc called it quits. Prayers appreciated. 

And do I feel proud. Slightly. But honestly I feel scared, disgusted, guilty. But in my heart I know I did the right thing. I know I chose life. I know if my dad was here and I called him to tell him he would have given me the "That a girl" I needed. So right now it sucks....but it's okay....I know it was right thing to do and sometimes that is what has to get you through. So whatever you did today to celebrate life. I am proud of you...you did the right thing...and you are AMAZING!

If you didn't know it was Celebration of Life Day...just celebrate tomorrow :) How will you celebrate life? Comment below :) 

FREEDOM!!! The Truth is key!

I actually wrote this on Jan 21^st, but I am trying a delayed post thing…so you all will either get a double dose, or this will work and not post till tomorrow (the 22^nd). Either way, this has been awesome! I went to a class taught by my nutritionist and I think I have found something that will help me when I dive back into recovery. I am armed with facts and education. Things I can use to combat ED when he is screaming.

So these are all around behaviors I hate to do but that ED makes me do. Basically he uses the same argument all the time. If you don’t do this you will get more calories and gain even faster than you already are. And you know what. He’s right. I will be getting more calories. Now I don’t know about gaining more rapidly, but once I get back in recovery the goal will be weight gain.

So yes, I will gain weight. But guess what? I will be free. And guess what else. My metabolism, fueled by the added wood (food) added to the fire (the metabolism) will speed up and then I will eat this amount, stop gaining, and have to get an increase. And then ED won’t be able to yell and I will be completely free. Worth a little gain? I think so.

So here we go and I hope it helps you all too. I broke it up based off the food group because I struggle with aspects for all of them. In the end though I now see the power in food and something crucial. Doing these things will mean more calories but also more freedom. My metabolism will adjust to more calories and I will maintain on my meal plan and need more as my N says. Therefore I can deal with the more calories. My life won’t adjust to all the sudden give me more freedom though or make this less scary. So I HAVE TO do this. My metabolism will adjust on its own…but ED’s control..it will only move if I shove ED over by doing the next right thing.

Frut/Veg

You have no need to weigh fruit, you can just freely cut it. Count an apple as an apple, banana as banana…no weight needed.

You don’t need to restrict or weigh your veggies. Why?

Fruits and veggies are both amazing sources of vitamins, including antioxidants A, D, and E which are amazing to help you beat cancer. The more fruit/veg, the more vitamins and stronger your body is to fight cancer! They also have flavonoids which reduce the risk of heart disease and cancer!

You have no need to fear fruits and veggies. Why?

You only fear them because of higher calories, but the ones you fear are usually amazing sources of phytochemicals.  Need proof?

Broccolli: carotenoids (antioxidants prevent cancer), suforaphane and dithiolthiones (block    carcinogen damage)

Tomatoes, carrots: carotenoids again!

Grapes, prunes, other fruits: Caffeic acid (excretes carcinogens), ferulic acid (removes nitrates)

So don’t fear these foods…just find out why they are so good and what they provide and be happy they are protecting you!

Proteins

You don’t have to cut your protein to exactly 3 oz when your serving is 3-4 oz. You don’t have to restrict tuna or make sure it’s a divet in the ½ cup bowl. Why? Protein is super important. It provides essential amino acids that your body has to get from the diet. More protein means more amino acids! It provides building materials for everything in body. Its needed for transportation in body. And lastly…you put so much work into cycling class but to repair and grow those muscles and other tissues you have to have protein! SO if you weigh your fish and its 3.5 oz heck even if it’s 4 oz don’t get scared instead celebrate all the extra benefits you get.

Carbohydrates

You don’t need to eat fiber one or other high-fiber items. Why?

You already eat a plant-based diet with fruits and veggies. You get NATURAL fiber no need for extra. Also, you don’t need high fiber. High fiber might be needed if you have high cholesterol issues, but you don’t because you are afraid of animal-based fats and thus don’t get them in your diet. So no worries for cholesterol and no worries for fiber.

You don’t need to be scared of carbs that are higher cal or need to eat lower-carb/diet items.  You don’t have to weigh your carbs or spill them to leave behind a few peas. Why?

More calories means more nutrients and carbs..they are power packed! Carbohydrates are source of immediate energy through glucose (who needs energy drinks..I got carbs!) and reserved energy through glycogen for my workouts and just those long days. Not only that, but carbs are the brains preferred fuel source. You need 130g carbs minimum just for brain to function! So yes..you may get slightly more cals…probably insignificant…but what is significant is all the energy and freedom you will get too!

You don’t need to weigh your bagels or tear them to perfect size. Why? Sure it may have slightly more calories, but may have slightly less. In the end it all balances out and if it is a larger bagel just means more nutrients and more of the benefits seen above. More energy, better brain function, more reserves so you can keep kicking ass!

You don’t need to fear or avoid beans. Why? Beans are awesome and not only provide benefits of proteins, carbs, and fiber but also have several phytochemicals that fight cancer! Think I’m lying..nope. Protease inhibitors slow tumor growth, phytoesterols prevent colon cancer, isoflavones reduce risk of breast and ovarian cancers, and saponins prevent cancer cell multiplication. So bring on the beans!

Fats

Last, but certainly not least and the thing I have always, always struggled with. You do not need to restrict fats, spill fats, or choose low-fat options for fat exchanges. You don’t need to avoid peanut butter your favorite food. Why? First off, fats don’t make you fat, but you don’t believe that I know. So instead here is what I can gurantee you fat does do. Amazing things. Fats provide an energy reserve especially when stored. That’s right..you need to store fat. But don’t let ED get you…fats are crucially used so you won’t store them all. Fats insulate the body from temperature extremes. That’s right..you won’t freeze in the summer and have to wear hoodies all the time if you eat some fats. They protect the organs from shock from running, jumping, or any sudden movements. In fact without enough fat, your organs aren’t held in place and just jostle around so every step you take you are risking your organs hitting too hard and being damaged. And lastly…all those carbs and protein you worked so hard to face….they can’t be used by the body efficiently without fat. And the fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K from these food can’t be absorbed at all without fat. Don’t let your hard work go to waste..eat your fats. Real fats, full fats, fabulous fats.

I hoped this helped you all as much as it did me. I honestly think this is a technique I will use if I know a freedom food will be too scary. I will ask my N what it provides me and then will let that be the focus, not whatever ED is yelling about. Love you all!

What of these was most suprising to you?

How can you use this to fight your ED or to make your diet even more power-packed?

Email or comment me J

Waiting for ready?

Look at this…already posting a blog for you all. Wish it was going to be happy, go-lucky one….but today…that just isn’t my reality and I want to be real. So here it goes.

I feel lost and confused. I was sure I would wake up today and have hit weight I said needed to hit in order to get back on meal plan….that wasn’t my reality…instead I gained weight…but honestly..I wasn’t upset. I e-mailed my N, told her I hadn’t been able to get back on plan, and we decided there was no point in me meeting with her until I am back on plan and ready to gain weight. Again..I just didn’t care. I know she will be there when I am ready..whenever that is. The only break from this apathy was when I thought more into that….when will I be ready?

I’m basically at a point I just don’t know what I want. Yes, I want recovery. I want this perfect bliss I paint up in my mind where I am living life, helping others in recovery, and eating freely and normally, but I just don’t see that being possible. I feel like I have tried every perfect plan to eat normally. I have tried contracts. I’ve tried eating freedom foods. I’ve tried…and yet I still stay disordered. I do great facing freedom foods, but get worse with food scale. I do great following meal plan, but start overexercising. There are just so many aspects I’m struggling in and I feel overwhelmed. I just want them all gone. I want to experience true freedom. No food scales, eating most challenging meals or whatever I want, not compensating with activity. I just want to do that till it feels normal. That’s the one thing I haven’t tried. Just doing it all.

Instead I try tackling things one at a time. I don’t do the scary option my N wants me to choose but choose one of the safer scary foods I have. Maybe that’s my issue. I haven’t really given real, true recovery a try. I have made plans, made lists…all the things that have helped me in other aspects of life. But doing those things and then trying to control the lists, which fear foods I face, what aspects of contract I focus on…in there maybe lies the problem. I am still trying to have control and right now I am too disordered to be allowed control. I honestly can’t be trusted with food because my ED is so loud.

Yes..the solution to this at first seems to be inpatient/residential. That’s what everyone says, but the problem is that’s my pattern too. Have all my control stripped away and let others do my recovery for me. I need the in-between. I need outpatient that I actually commit to FULLY. I need to give my team control and deal with the fear, not give in to the fear.

So here lies my problem. The when will I be ready? Because I want this life of freedom, but I don’t want to gain weight. It literally is the crux of the issue and what holds me back. Honestly I am just scared to gain weight and still be disordered. That’s why I do what I am doing right now. I give aspects of recovery a shot, gain weight, realize I’m still disordered, fear I will always be that way, and then instead of doing the logical thing and fixing the aspects of recovery I am struggling in…I lose the weight to try and start again. To try and get it right. And it’s a vicious circle.

I am not giving myself any room for error because I want to control weight gain. I want to only gain weight if I am doing everything recovery-oriented…not struggling at all. To me delving in my ED behaviors and gaining weight while doing it gets ED screaming about how I have no control and even my disorder doesn’t work anymore. Here is the thing…I need to stop trying to control weight gain, but how. It is the fiber of my being.

And how do I get ready to do that. I’ve tried the lists. I ‘ve written myself letters. I’ve lost to lowest of lows (at least I’m not trying that one again). None of it gets me ready. I still end up gaining, freaking out, and lapsing. I just can’t come to terms with gaining weight. I don’t want to gain weight. So how to I get ready to do something I am so unmotivated to do? Something I don’t want to do at all. In fact, something that my whole life I have been motivated to prevent?

I guess I should tackle it the same way I tackle other things I don’t want to do…just do it. Only weigh weekly with N and let it be the aspect of my recovery she has sole control over. I will never recover if weight keeps dictating my life and my food. My freedom won’t be possible that way. And honestly..I can’t eat normally and maintain this low weight, because it’s not a weight someone my height needs to be. As desperately as I feel I want to weigh in the 80s…honestly…it brings me nothing I truly want in life. It doesn’t allow me to be free with food, with friends, with family. Heck..I get scared it will keep me from a job because people say I look so sick and weak….that’s not very appealing for employers.

If I could just figure out some way to do this recovery “right” this time I feel I could do it. I’m glad didn’t hit the weight today, because I would have been going back into recovery with that temporary mindset again. It would be setting myself up for another lapse.

Okay…I know I said no plans, but I need a plan….I’m OCD and anorexic…I like plans. So these are the aspects of recovery I know I need to implement…no questions asked.

• Giving N complete control of my weight. How? Only weigh weekly on her appt days because it’s the only day my weight will matter. E-mailing my weight to her and letting that be a sign of sending it off to her and not carrying it with me the rest of the day.
• Giving over ALL control of my food until my mind is healed. How? Well we will have to break this down further and it’s gonna hurt because I am sending this to my N:
•    No food scale. Or only for meat. If I am unable to keep it solely to meat then I turn it into my N.
• Freedom foods. My N and I select them together. If I show I am unable to select them without thinking in numbers, she will select them.
•  Desserts. Do them as many times as N says.
• Meal planning. Perhaps do a few “sample days” with N and see how she wants me to go about planning meals for week. How to do it without numbers and without eating same thing every day. If I am unable to do this I think I might end up writing out all possibilities for each exchange I struggle choosing (carbs and fruit mainly), tear them, fold them, and draw them out of a hat.
• Trusting the education of my N completely. How? Accept any and all challenges she gives me even outside of session. I actually love the idea of her randomly e-mailing me a challenge to do. To keep me on my toes. I will never learn I can trust food unless I start trusting it. My N eats normally and thus I should trust her guidance.
• Behaving normally with meals. How? Perhaps eating with people, perhaps my N at first. Eating at times my N sets (NO EXCUSES)! Having a certain amount of time I am allowed to complete meals. If I am unable to eat at times my N sets I will tell my frieds the times and have to check-in with each of them when I complete my meal. If that doesn’t work and I honestly can’t just eat at normal people times due to fear…then I seriously may need hospital.

Wow! Not at all where I thought blogging would go..now I remember why I need it so much. It takes ED negative and turns them into roads to recovery. Well..gonna go e-mail this to my N. Scared..but I need to.

A Vow to Myself and You all

Hey everyone--

This is a short and sweet post, but I wanted to put it out there so people can hold me accountable. I talked with my stepmom and through our conversation realized I need to get back to blogging for several reasons. For one, it's healing for me. Even if nobody reads it...it helps me and I need that. I need to help get things out of my mind and onto paper. Two, it is a resource I can look back on later in life when I work with people with eating disorders. I will be able to look back and remember what it was like. And three, because there are amazing people like you out there reading and I am hoping my recovery, honesty, journey can help others.

I struggle with making time for myself so I keep on putting off blogging. And honestly,  the less I've blogged the deeper I have gone with ED and now I am back to dropping snacks and wanting to exercise. Sure, I do shout outs for help on Facebook or MFP, but that isn't healing. All it does is get ED out of my head, but I don't process it. So I need to commit. I need to prioritize me. I need to get back to blogging

To ease my way into it I am going to commit to blogging about my day/ recovery at least three times a week and once will be on weekend (when I struggle most). I also want to blog my random insights and such, but I think reflecting on my struggles is something I need to do to. Because it's not all rainbows and roses...and people need to see that.

That being said I also need to make this healing and so at the end of every post, no matter how ED-driven or deep I am when I write it. I will stop, pray, reflect, and try and write something...ANYTHING...that is positive and how I can work towards recovery.

This will be part of the one strong campaign I am doing for my dad. I will definitely blog more about that later. Maybe tomorrow. There we go...already have a topic. Now I'm off to face freedom food of Cookie Crisp cereal. Wish me luck...and keep fighting (and reading please..and commenting...you all don't know how much the comments make me remember I matter and this blog matters).

The Little Balloon that Could...and Did

Jan 15, 2013

So tonight I did a balloon release for my dad. I thought it would be freeing and a cool experience, little
did I know my dad had a whole lesson in it for me. It all started with my balloon. My balloon..tied with all my insecurities and struggles…a little representation of me…this is its story.

I released the balloon expecting it to fly away with all the others that floated freely to the sky, but things didn’t work out that way. My little balloon and two others got stuck in a tree. The other balloons floated away in peace….freeing their holders of the captivity of what they wrote. But mine…it got stuck. I could relate to the little balloon. As it watched its friends go on. Recover, laugh, be free. As it watched the other balloons flying free it reminded me of watching others around me recover, watching people in the dining hall eat whatever they want, and feeling stuck. Wishing I too could be free. But being held back, trapped in the branches of life, loss, and ED.

The other two balloons stuck behind almost gave up. Just hung themselves in the branches deeming life was just too hard. There was no reason to fight. But not my balloon. We all stood in wonder as it pushed through the branches. It got tangled up but then reversed itself. I could see it struggling. Trying to take lunges forward, but it was held back by the paper tied to it. Held back by the worries, insecurities, fear. But it kept fighting. It was so desperate to be free. It didn’t want to give up. This balloon was me. Fighting against life…trying to break free. Sometimes I make mistakes and get myself more stuck, but then I reverse and try another way…try again. But I keep being held back by my fear, insecurities, doubts.

We all watched and the others with me chuckled. They started to give up on the balloon. But I refused. I kept believing this balloon would break free. Then something amazing happened. In one final push..the paper moved and the balloon was freed. We all looked on in amazement. It showed me what perserverance and belief can do. The balloon just needed someone to believe in it…just one person and it had the strength to push one more time..one last time and be free.

The balloon took off. This was its chance for freedom, for victory, but the paper pulled it down, another tree came, and again it sat stuck. I know how it felt. I push so hard in recovery sometimes. Get up the courage and strength to face my fears and commit to recovery, then something comes along whether it be the 90 lb mark, unforeseen death of my dad, stress, whatever branches life puts out in front of me and I get stuck.

Honestly in that predicament the balloon was exactly where I am right now. I just feel so tired of fighting..I just keep getting stuck. Life keeps happening. ED seems the thing to cling onto, but all that is doing…clinging to ED…is getting me stuck in the tree. I watched the little balloon. I didn’t want to give up on it…honestly..because I didn’t want to give up on myself. If that balloon stayed stuck what would it mean for me? That I really can’t let go of all these things? That I won’t be free.

My friends dispersed and it started to get cold. I stared at the balloon…wished it luck…begged it to break free…and left it to go to dinner with my friend. It sounds silly but it hurt to leave the balloon there..stuck and desperately fighting. Why? Because I felt it was me…giving up on myself. But I walked away…having hope the balloon would find the strength to fight. That someone…something would come along and break it free. This is where I am now too. People are moving on, life is moving on…and I’m still stuck and fighting and I feel so alone. I know I have friends and family supporting me, but still without their physical presence…without the physical presence of my dad…I just feel alone.

I enjoyed the time with my friend but still I thought of that little balloon…out there in the dark..alone. Was it still fighting? Was it free? Had it given up? It was so hard to leave it alone, but there was nothing I could do to help it.

After dinner I went back to my dorm and as I passed the tree where I had left the balloon I wearily looked up. All I saw was sky. That’s right..no balloon. I even looked nearby on the ground to see if it had popped and fallen. I looked to the trees nearby sure it had gotten snagged somewhere else. But it was nowhere to be found…it was free. Tears started to well in my eyes.

You see this balloon had struggled, been trapped, broken free only to be stuck again and again. To have life and ED hold it back. Finally people left it…moved on with their lives hoping, praying it would be free but knowing there was nothing they could do. This balloon…left alone..it found its own strength. It kept fighting. It never gave up. It didn’t let anyone or anything tell it it couldn’t be free. That it wasn’t strong enough of good enough. And left there alone…it relied on its ownstrength…it fought for itself..it fought for what it wanted. Not to prove anything to anyone because no one was there. But just to be free..because that was it wanted. It fought for itself not for anyone else. And it was in that moment…alone…being strong in itself…it broke free.

 This is me. I am here…I have a N, I have friends, I have family. They are praying and hoping for my recovery..but I am sitting here..alone. I have to do this for myself. For my dreams. For ME.

The branches aren’t gonna move…life will keep happening.

The paper won’t fall…ED and fears will still be there.

No one is going to climb up and save me…I just have myself and my God.

But if I keep fighting….if I fight for me and rely on the strength of my God…I will have that final push I need to be free. I will get that final gust of wind and break free. I don’t need someone cheering me on. I don’t need (though I want) my dad physically there. I just have to know people are hoping in me…I have to believe in myself..fight for my dreams…and I will be free. Life will try to hold me back, fear will try to hold me back, but I have the fight and strength to be free.

And in the end…when I do break free…people will come back expecting to see me stuck just like I did with the balloon. They will look in amazement when they don’t see me where I was. They will look on the ground wondering if maybe life got to much, but they won’t find me there. They will look to the other trees…sure I got stuck somewhere else. They won’t find me there. Then they will look to the sky, see the shining star and realize that is where I am…I am free. And my hope and prayer is in realizing I broke free they will realize they can break free too. They will realized their strength and the strength of God and they will start to fight. They will learn from me as I have learned from this balloon. They will see they are the little balloon that could…and they will be the little balloon that did.