Friday, October 26, 2012

A big driving motivation

So I lost weight at nutritionist and now got a meal plan makeover and huge increase. Luckily my nutritionist worked with me and talked numbers with me and did me a plan based off of exchanges but also showed me how she does exchanges based off the calories I need. We restarted with a new plan based off of the calorie range that must be my maintenance based on information we know from when I logged calories. So this really is a fresh start and realizing my exchanges are based on portions that are based off the calories my body needs makes me realize I really can't restrict portions.

Another important realization from my appointment was that weight gain can be healthy. Right now, my body is underweight. Sure when I was 14 I was obese and needed to lose weight but that is not my reality now. That was 6 years ago and things were different. Then losing was what I needed for my health and now it is to gain. I need to eat the right calories to gain. This doesn't mean eating too many calories. It means eating the calories and nourishing my body to health. This means more than maintenance intake, but maintenance intake would actually be too low.

Still these two aren't my biggest realization. My biggest one actually came through the hours I spent praying after making the new plan. I had to get rid of the anxiety (or at least cope with it) so I stayed in continous prayer, retreating to the peaceful embrace of my Father. It was in this time He revealed something very important to me. I am going to have to gain this weight no matter what. I can either do it outpatient where I have freedom in food choices and get to do it slowly and am in more control of it. Or I am going to be sent to a hospital, inpatient, or residential facility to do it quickly and way outside of my control. Obviously given the two choices I want to do this outpatient. I love the freedom in food choices and the freedom to have a life outside of therapy and nutrition...but outpatient is a privelege and I will earn it by showing progress.

So this has been a big motivation for me. Every time I get an urge to restrict a portion, or skip a snack, or overexercise I remind myself this weight is going to be gained one way or another, and I want to do it outpatient. I deserve to do it outpatient. It really has pushed me through. When that motivation doesn't seem enough I remind myself I need to get the intake necessary for my goals. I mean if I wanted an A in a class I wouldn't skip homework or not study for a test, so why skip my snacks or tax my body with working out when my goal is to gain?

With continual prayer and these motivations I have actually done the best ever these past few days. Sure I am scared as we are having to double the amount I gain this week to make up for the loss, but you know is just one week....and my plan isn't really that bad. Actually I have to face a dining hall bagel every day (huge fear food) and now it is becoming too easy and I am looking for other ways to challenge myself. That is in just three days. Imagine where I will be in three weeks, three months....or this time next year.

So find your motivation. Whatever it is that makes that rational side of you a little louder than your ED. Also, try looking at each meal as practice for the future you want. Maybe be specific. Like for me I want to be able to eat what I am craving, so I take each meal as practice for that...sometimes it means just choosing the fruit I want regardless of calories and some days I can manage to choose my whole entree that way. Well, off to do my super shake :)

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