Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Just Keep Moving

I am sitting here now typing this in hopes that maybe, just maybe it will keep me from going to compulsively exercise. You see right now my mind is saying how lazy I have been today. How I shouldn't have eaten the whole bag of skittles and shouldn't have challenged myself to chickpeas. But there's a solution for my "bad behavior." Just a few crunches. "An 8 minute ab video won't hurt. You gained this week anyway so it's fine." But I know those 8 minutes will go to 16, to 30, to an hour. It will not just be today but every day, it will just be another thing I will have to overcome. Plus in those 8 minutes I will just fire ED up for the night and I will undo all the progress I got by doing my Skittles and beans. Those 8 minutes would be more than just abs, they would be 8 minutes of set-back.
Having had non-purge type bulimia in the form of overexercise my mind doesn't just stop once the food is in my system...it just switches gears. Before and during the meal it spews thoughts of stopping....of leaving behind a crumb here or there. Of not getting the right portions. Of skipping meals or snacks entirely. But when I push through...and I leave the dining hall or the table in hopes that leaving will mean escape the meal/snack haunts me. My mind goes into how to get rid of those calories now in my body. Take the long way back, walk a few laps, run the stairs, do 8 minute abs. All things it writes off as okay because it's not like I am running or cycling like before and it's not even exercise. Well here is the thing....if it's not really exercise then it's not worth doing it to burn a few measely calories when doing it will set me back.

I mean it comes down to this. I want to recover for many reasons but my main motivators are to go to vet school, to be able to run and cycle again, and to avoid feeding tubes. So let's see.....burn a few calories by doing 8 minute abs or go to vet school.....do 8 minute abs now or get closer to being able to run for much more than 8 minutes....do 8 minute abs now or avoid having to use a feeding tube for 8 days. Choice seems easy...and logically it is.

I may cry tonight and I will definitely feel fear and anxiety, but I can't run from these emotions forever. I have used my ED for 14 years to run from these emotions. To give myself a sense of control that kept all emotions  out. In my nice little ED bubble everything worked exact and was planned...but that's not the real world. That's not life. Life is about emotions. It's about feeling the fear and anxiety. The shame, guilt, grief. It's about crying over that bag of Skittles because it means I am losing my ED which is a part of me. It means accepting that I am a flawed, emotional human being and maybe one day accepting the beauty in the fact that I am flawed.
And I want life. I don't want this bubble anymore. Because guess what....bubbles pop. One weight gain, one wrong food choice, one extra calorie and bob...there went control. And in came the emotions. So either way I have to face them. I can avoid them for 8 minutes...sure. Heck...I could avoid them the rest of my life. But if I avoid fear, shame, guilt...I will never feel joy, love, peace. Those don't exist in the ED bubble either. So for now I will just keep moving. Not how ED wants me too...not by fidgeting or pacing or doing 8 minutes of abs. But I will just keep moving forward in my recovery by sitting with the emotions, accepting they are coming, and pushing on. That's a harder exercise than any ab video and takes a truly strong person. ED will tell me I am lazy, but I will tell him in my stillness I am doing more work than he could ever have me to. I am saving my life in my stillness, and that's not lazy.

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