Today I saw purpose
I saw I am more than just a number
I saw food has a purpose
I saw it is more than just a number
Today I saw my heart
As I lay on the table,
Face sealed to the eco screen
I saw the pulse and beating of my heart
Thump, thump…thump, thump
Each beat followed by a prolonged silence
By what seemed like an eterninty
My body gasping, hoping the next beat would come
Thump, thump…thump, thump
As I stare at the screen a tear rolled down my
cheek, unintentional
I saw the damage of the 14 years
I heard the cry of a broken heart
Crushed in spirit by ED,
My once strong heart, energized to power my body
A scared muscle, gasping between each beat, hoping
to beat again
Thump, thump….thump, thump
I stare at the screen wondering what my heart once
looked like
Wondered what it was like almost 21 years ago
When my mom lay on the table and heard the beat of
my heart
What she dreamed I would become
What joy flooded her heart
I wondered if tears streamed down my parents’ faces,
If excitement filled their hearts with joy,
Because they knew their baby was okay
Thump, thump….thump, thump
I wondered what happened?
Where it went wrong?
Where the joy heard in my heartbeat
Became verbal beatings, teasings, neglect
That caused my heart to break
That caused me to lay here, listening to the same
heart
Knowing and hearing everything was not okay
Thump, thump….thump, thump
I wondered what happened to cause my spirit to
break,
My strength to be stolen and replaced by fear
My identity to become a number, size, shape
Food to become the enemy, abuser, control
My reality to become what it is
Thump, thump….thump, thump
I wondered if my reality would be different
Had that 6 year old not turned to food
Had she been loved and taught foods true value
Foods power to power your body
Instead of how it must be controlled,
How it must be manipulated, tabulated, recordered
Had she been taught the meaning of strength and
beauty
Instead of size and weight
Had she learned her identity from seeing her
spirit
Instead of looking at a scale
Thump, thump….thump, thump
I wondered how many more girls would have to be
here
Curled on their side, eyes plastered on an
ecocardiograph screen
Wondering how they got there?
How many more times a 20 year old have to fear for
her life
Before people wake up and see eating disorders
aren’t a joke
Before we save our girls, our boys, ourselves
Before we stop plastering how to diet on magazine
covers, news articles, books
And start teaching people how to eat, how to love
and nurture themselves
Thump, thump….thump, thump
The beat of my heart showed me something needed to
change for me
So I could keep this from being others reality
I realized food was the only thing that could power
my heart
Power this core to my survival, bring it back to
its former glory and strength
Power me to grow into a strong woman
A woman whose heart and passion is to save others
on ED’s path of destruction
To awaken others to the beatings of their heart
Thump, thump….thump, thump
I realized faith an food was the way for my heart
to heal,
For my spirit to be made whole,
To bring back purpose to my life,
To bring peace back out of this chaos,
To allow me to find beauty in me,
In my brokenness, in my strength, in the beating
of my heart
Thump, thump…thump, thump
Today I saw purpose
I saw I am more than just a number
I saw food has a purpose
I saw it is more than just a number
Today I saw my heart
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