Monday, October 5, 2015

When desires and actions clash

Starting to realize I am my own worst enemy. My intentions and behaviors don’t line up. Example: I want to connect with people so I try and do, do, do for others, but don’t take time to actually get to know them. To connect. To see what they want. So what ends up happening? Usually they see me as pest or annoyance and end up even more isolated/disconnected. So get opposite of what intended the whole time.

Or when someone gets upset and ask for space. What do I do? I overapologize and try to bake or reach out to them. This only makes them angrier because I am doing exactly what they asked me not to do.

Today has provided me with chance to reflect on this. I ended up angering someone one and they have requested space. At first wanted to overapologize, write them letter, bake for them. Something, anything to make it all okay. Then realized best thing for me to do was apologize, acknowledge their feelings, and give them space. It feels strange, but I think that is the best thing to do.

I wonder how many times I allow my deep longing to connect with others (after being so isolated due to PTSD and ED), lead me to only further isolate myself. I think I am going to begin to take a pause before I engage, react, or interact with others. Think to self:
(1) Am I being authentic and honest. It is important I present my true self, otherwise how can I expect to get to know other person or connect to them if not even connected to self.
(2) Am I doing this for them or for myself? If for myself then it doesn’t foster relationship and I should see what they want from the interaction.
(3) Is there a potential for misinterpretation or an adverse reaction? If so, don’t do whatever intending to do.
(4) Will this allow me to meet a need for them or to learn more about them?
(5) Is this appropriate for our stage of the relationship?

I believe taking time and slowing down will help me to better connect. All I know is what I am doing isn’t working and is hurting others. And that is not me. Please help hold me accountable and if my old patterns emerge let me know. 

1 comment:

  1. I agree with your pattern of relations to other people being useful to change. I am working on the very same thing. I think ED makes us an little frazzled, to say the least; working to be more levelheaded, talk less, think more carefully, fights the ED too.