Well Roomie laid it on me, well that's how I take it anyway. Here I was thinking my late night eating was my dirty little secret. Little thing I got away with without affecting anyone. My own little rebellion I guess. Something uniquely mine. Just for me.
All that came crashing down when roomie lashed out at me about it. Made me feel selfish and rude. Said she hadn’t had a good night sleep since moved in with me. Seemed I was disturbed, abnormal, disgusting. I should know without her stating that someone eating at 3 AM would disturb her. I then established a 1 AM curfew for my kitchen use, hoping things get better. I was scared. Cornered. Judged. I freaked out to say the least.
Yes, I should be working towards eating earlier,but to leap from 4 AM to 1 AM when I have OCD, PTSD insomnia which reason I’m awake, and ED….it was too much. I felt angry, hurt, disgust, shame…everything and mind was spinning.
Finally I had to be assertive. I had to tell her I could work way to 1 AM but at this point I couldn’t leap to it. She doesn’t know about my ED and I don’t care to tell her. This angered her as she and made me feel even worse of my abnormality,disgusting behavior. Almost making me out to be a beast it seemed.
I felt my mind wandering down the rabbit hole of self-condemnation. Disgust. Shame. And a desire to use this as an excuse to give up and restrict. At least to appease her and eat earlier. But I stopped. Instead of looking at all the negatives and cluing to the anger, I accepted my responsibility. Eating later was something I wanted to change and this provided me an extrinsic motivation which was something I needed. I am a people pleaser and doing this for someone else was great motivation to keep me from slipping into delaying it over and over (as I have been for past weeks).
So that is how I am trying to look at it. What seems completely negative may be blessing in disguise. Choosing not to focus on the things said or how I feel about it. Instead going to look at it as motivator and a concrete time to aim at being done eating by. I wanted a good motivator and I wanted a concrete time and she gave it to me without knowing. So while it may be scary to actually have a reason to move to change, perhaps it won’t be so bad. Plus, in the end, I’m stuck here till May. So either I appease her and help myself, or I act passive aggressive, keep doing things way they are, and hurt myself in some weird way to hurt her. Who knows? Maybe with this out of the way we can connect.
She never has to know she is helping me….but she still can. That is how I am going to look at this and what I am going to do. Already helped me tonight to eat earlier and to not overcook things. Fingers crossed….maybe this was God’s only way to get me to snap out of it.