Think this is going to be a start to a new approach at life, and a new better me. In fact, I’m starting fresh with a new blog which, once I get it set up, I will link here. Anyway, had heart-to-heart with therapist today after had another anxiety attack and decided new approach needs to be taken.
I’ve realized a big root of my issues is a lack of trust in myself. Can’t choose what to eat because don’t trust self. Scared of foods because don’t trust body. Scared of relationship because don’t trust decision. This is why every time an opportunity to make a recovery decision comes I freak out. Because as much as I know it’s right thing to do, I don’t trust myself to do it. So I send out text after text to people who will tell me exactly what I want to hear. I wait to hear from them so I can get their approval and not have to take responsibility, because I feel if it’s my decision it won’t be right.
For example, today out of nowhere I got a cupcake. One with PB buttercream icing. Yes, I’ve been facing fear of cupcakes recently and discovered I actually don’t gain weight from eating them, but this one was different. It was PB buttercream icing and thus higher calorie and thus must be made up for by restricting a meal. That’s what ED was saying. But I didn’t want to listen to ED. I wanted to listen to me. To that little girl in me saying: “Can we please see if there is a different way of life.” That part of me with longing and hope that maybe I can eat freely. Just eat cupcake as snack and not gain.
And so my mind began to spin and the texting began. I needed someone, anyone to tell me it was possible to do right thing and just eat cupcake as snack. I couldn’t trust myself to say it. I needed someone to order me to do it. It’s crazy. This is the exact aspect of residential/inpatient I hate and yet find so comforting. I love IP/resi because someone else tells you what to do, taking all responsibility away from you. Yet this is exact thing that keeps me stuck. Not taking responsibility and choosing the right thing because I know it’s right or want to do it.
Finally my therapist called me. And she laid it to me straight. I needed to get out of these mentaltailspins either by going to higher level of care where decisions are made for me. Or by choosing scarier option always. No questions. No trying to logic way out of anxiety. Choosing anxious option and learning to cope with anxiety. Period.
So that’s what I am doing. Tonight, without an order from anyone but myself, I am doing the scarier. I am doing scary cupcake and counting it as just a snack. And you know what. As soon as commited to that, exact opposite of what ED said would happen happened. I didn’t get more anxious. No. I got more excited, more proud, more hopeful for a new life. The cupcake became victory not slavery and I felt free.
That’s why my new blog is called: Finding I’m Free. Because God has set me free. He has given me the strength to choose what’s right and He will help me trust myself. Trust His strength within me. Trust my spirit. And find, decision by decision, bite by bite, step by step that I am free.
I’m going to take it one decision at a time. One moment at a time. One risk at a time. If I want life to be different I need to start living different. If I want to be able to choose recovery then that’s what I need to do. To make decisions myself and reach out to others to support, not make, my decisions. It’s time to take life and recovery by the horns. To ride out this crazy ride called life and be free. I deserve it. And I’m going to fight. Fight the fear and find I’m free.