Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Happily Never After?

Well date didn’t go so good and first reaction of course was to restrict. Mind raced to how this would mean I was never getting married, never going to achieve life I wanted and I guess somehow I deserved to be punished. But then I stopped. I stopped and I thought.

Reality….I didn’t really feel it either. He wasn’t at all like the guy I text and honestly physical attraction wasn’t there either. I mean it was nice to feel happy and feel like I was cared for and I think it is more the loss of that that hurt. But it doesn’t mean I need to restrict. It doesn’t mean I am a bad person. It doesn’t mean I will never be married.

It just means we weren’t right. I guess I am just impatient. I feel I am fighting so hard for recovery and I just want the pay off now. I want the dream I see in my mind of a normal life now. I hate this waiting and having to go on dates. I just want the ring, the marriage, the white picket fence (or in my case cozy cottage ) right now. I am scared with each relationship that ends it means I did something wrong and will never be in relationship which is what I want.

I guess that’s why I am scared to journal about what I want recovery to look like, because I honestly don’t feel it will ever come true and don’t want to put it down on paper and fail. But I see benefit to it and in fact…gonna go work on it now.

First though, time to do my meal plan, not let a date determine my life, accept it didn’t go well and move on. I won’t lie. Mind still tossing and turning and I still hear voice in my head saying I will never be good enough for anyone to get married to. Or “normal” enough. But I am just going to let those thoughts stay till can process in therapy tomorrow and do the next right thing.

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