I'm just at this point I don't understand myself anymore. I say I want recovery and I do...I want the freedom I know it will bring....but perhaps my view of recovery is skewed. I want to face fear foods, but the fear of them only goes away if I don't gain weight. I want to eat a meal plan, but as soon as I gain weight I want it lowered. It's like I want maintenance, but I haven't even started the journey of gaining to get to that point.
I just don't know how to accept gaining. To become a cheerleader for me eating enough to gain weight. How can I trust the food if it is making me gain weight? How can I trust my body if it is gaining? I just don't understand the concept.
Perhaps its because my whole life food has been taught to me to be a way to keep your weight low. You either restrict it enough to lose or enough to keep your weight the same (if you are at a low enough weight). So to me gaining weight is the epitomy of food being the enemy again, of my body not being able to be trusted. It's been the pitfall every time I leave treatment. I go, spend a few months regaining weight and then as soon as they say it is time to go home I think "Good. Now I can go back to eating healthier." And immediately start thinking of how many less calories I will eat at home while still meeting meal plan. And then I end up where I am now, even more underweight than before and having to go through the weight gain process.
So it's like I need to trust that food will restore my weight....will bring me to a place of health, but that means eating food to gain weight and gaining weight in my mind means I am eating too much. But right now eating enough to gain is just that..eating enough. But then how can I not be scared of food if it is causing me to gain weight...if it is causing my body to do the thing I have been programmed to prevent it from doing.
This is where I get so stuck. I want freedom, I want to be able to eat what I want when I want it, to workout when I want, to be who I want to be....I want freedom, but I just don't want to gain weight. Well...it's not even that. I just don't want to get the distrust of food that gaining weight brings. When I was eating my meal plan and losing weight or even maintaining and eating all these fear foods and still losing or maintaining it was awesome. I was learning to trust food again. I was able to tell myself "See...you can eat these things, lose your fear of eating fats, and look you don't gain weight...your body knows what to do."
But as the weight gain has started....all that trust has gone away. I have begun to move the foods that I have conquered back to the fear realm. I blame them for my weight gain...yet they are the same foods I ate and didn't gain on. So then I blame my body. But it's the same body that took those foods and lost/maintained....so now I am just confused. I mean I know logically I am gaining because we have increased my meal plan enough to get my body the calories it needs to gain....but then my brain just wants my meal plan lowered. So what do I do?
I guess I have to keep eating this meal plan and gaining weight till it becomes comfortable...I'm just scared I will hate and distrust food by the time I get to my goal weight. I already do. I'm already scared of certain fruits again, certain fats, desserts....everything. I was fine with these a few weeks ago when I was losing, but I don't want to be caught up in this numbers game. In using my weight as a measure of trust or anything other than health. I just want to be able to eat what I want. I want to conquer my fear foods. I just want to recover....I just don't know how to do the weight gain everyone says I need. Can't I just recover in peace...can't I just eat to maintain and when I am ready gain?
But will I ever be ready...no probably not. My team tells me to get comfortable with gaining weight and that it will happen nice and controlled I have to give it a chance and stop controlling what I eat...including trying to play it safe...that's why for a month I am supposed to only be listening to my team's voice in my mind and not let ED's voice or my own play a role (more about this in a later post). But it's freaking hard and I just don't know how anymore.