Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Way is not to Weigh

Long time no write. I miss you guys but school has been hectic and recovery has gotten a little shaky when I lost nutritionist. I haven't restricted or anything...just been racing thoughts all the time and combined with the stress of school and work...haven't been able to put my thoughts together. But took last of my major exams yesterday and came home and had tons and tons of breakthroughs yesterday. Today I had one I would like to share. It's around my dear frienemy...Mr. Food Scale.

I have noticed every time I come home I go straight back to measuring things with a food scale. At school…I don’t even think about food scale..I just think in portions. Then all the sudden..I come home and start weighing things…and today I asked…why?

My brain sometimes rationalizes it. Makes it seem like tool for recovery. My mind says: “Well you see it can show you that you can trust portion sizes to match the proper weight of food.” That’s great and all…when the portion is the EXACT weight it’s supposed to be. A g under and ED goes off the next day if I lose weight that it was that one single gram that made the difference. A g over and I am the worst person on earth for eating it and I am binging and so on and so forth. Both are complete disordered lies…but they are the thoughts that come. And let me tell you my favorite quote about rationalization: "Rationalization and justification are just like masturbation, in the end you are just F***ing yourself."

Now if I hadn’t weighed my serving I would just be sitting with the unease of not knowing the weight, but I would know I was getting the right portion because it would be the right portion and same portion I do at school.

And then there is this other thing…what the heck does the weight of the piece of bread, lettuce, cereal, etc. Reality: it doesn’t. I have yet to get an exchange list that says xg of grits is one exchange, x g of bread is one exchange. Nope it has cups and slices and normal people servings. The only thing that has weight is meat. reality…the only thing I should ever measure is the meat.

But yet EVERY SINGLE TIME I come home I weigh things. It’s so weird. It’s like this routine to torture myself and make home Hell instead of giving myself the possibility of experiencing the same freedoms I am starting to gain at school at home.

This weekend has been different and when I have weighed things, if they are too much…I still eat them. I haven’t gotten to the point where if they are too little I add, but I guess need to do that. Even bigger than that…I plan on not using the scale for lunch today. We will see how that goes and then who knows…I may even expand it to dinner. For now though I am sitting content with the fact that really…the way to go is to not weigh. And that perhaps…perhaps I will need support in this. But this can’t be my summer. The obsession of weighing food cannot become my reality yet again. Plus, let’s be makes food prep last way too long. By the time I prepare my meal everyone is done eating.

So far it seems the pros and cons point to the clear answer. Pros of weighing….umm…well it helps with meat. Cons of weighing: obsessions, makes going back to school harder, makes food prep last too long, makes me start to think in calories again, doesn’t help me actually get portion, makes me not trust portions, makes me “restrict”….yep…cons definitely outweigh pros. So…this means one thing…food scale use…it’s got to go. At least for non-meat items for now. 

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