WIAW#3: Freedom, Fears, Food....

So I am sorry I have been away, but honestly I have been struggling a lot and just going through the motions. The scale has become my worst enemy again and I am back in a place I feel my body is betraying me. My brain can barely piece together sentences at this point, let alone full blog post, but I have still been trying to face fear foods...so here is some eats from this week....thanks to Jenn over at peas and crayons for hosting.

 First off I finally got the courage to eat Pretzel M&Ms....they have been sitting on my freedom food list for...who knows how long, but I finally had them. Not only that...I ate them in the middle of the day while sitting in class...a big No No from ED in my life....well..I am kind of tired of no.
As you can see...I eat things a little weird and these suckers I literally sucked...see the before and after below. I mean I did bite one like a normal person...but it just wasn't the same lol.

 In good news I managed to go home for easter weekend and actually keep to my meal plan at my mom's house..a rare event for me. Not only that but I had one of my old favorites.... Breyer's Fat Free Vanilla Fro-YO. I have to do fat free because of dietary issues and this ice cream is the best. Did full portions and all...even added Multigrain Cheerios to get the right exchanges filled. It was really delicious...and sometimes the fear of eating something denied for so long begins to feel like excitement with each bite...

 And the freedom at my mom's didn't stop there. I also had this lovely Bolillo Roll...anything white bread is scary for me...but when I came home, saw these rolls, and got scared....I knew I had to eat them. I knew I couldn't just add another food to my freedom food list...I needed to get my freedom right there in that moment...and so I did. And I had pease and a salad with tuna and olive oil mango vinagairette. Quite nice I might say. And who can't enjoy something with a name you can't quite pronounce...Bolillo...what is that?

 This looks disgusting, but really it was quite good and a big fear for me because I hate mixing things together. This also included brown rice...and I avoid rice because of ED...but my tummy wasn't feeling hot, I was full, and I needed something for dinner. Enter: tuna, brown rice, and guac all mixed together. Quick, easy...and quite good. And I was eating in robot mode (when ED is so loud you don't want to eat so you just go through the motions). I so hope my excitement/desire to eat comes back...but till then...I might have to be mixing a whole lot more.

 And last, but certainly not least...this easter was the first easter since my Freshmen year of high school (I am about to be a senior in college) that I ate easter candy. Not only that....I had one I have never had before....a full size Reese's PB egg...frozen of course (my whole family freezes candy). It was so scary and so freeing at the same time. I figure my Savior's blood was shed that day...shed for my freedom...what better way to proclaim that victory...then to treat myself.
Again, I eat these weird too....I eat all the chocolate off the sides, then the top, then take a few bites with PB and chocolate, then eat chocolate off the bottom. It's how I ate the Reese tree mini a long time ago...figured egg shouldn't be any different.

 And as I have come to find in recovery...sometimes the last bite is even more important than the first. It is that bite that seals in complete victory and shatters the chains of your ED :) Even late at night, even with crazy hair....you can shatter the hold of ED...with that last bite.