Today was big day. Wasn’t supposed to be…well maybe it was…but wasn’t planned to be. Today was a day I got frustrated with my slow progress and with ED behaviors still doing and decided to take plunge straight into normal (well semi-normal seeing as still on meal plan and all that) eating. It wasn’t easy, it’s DEFINITELY not because of a safe weigh-in, and I am not proud to admit it took countless texts, a God moment, and till 4 pm to even decide to do it. But I’m doing it. Changing the following behaviors I am not proud to admit was still doing.
B-fast: not tear EM below, right prunes, no spil oats
Lunch: starches >210 cals for 3, No leave behind, big amt fruit, no spill seeds
Dinner: no leave behind or tear burnt part morning munch
Snacks: large amt fruit (usually do small slices off), banana as come not torn to certain grams
I am terrified and my mind is spinning about what this will mean calorically, but today I just got to point I was done. I weighed in and it wasn’t the number I expected and ED took over and it scared me. I got frustrated how I still let a number on a machine take my joy. How it automatically can make me want to throw everything in. I was just done with this being my life. Then I drew from starch box and got tortilla and potatoes for my lunch options, but that went against calorie rule ED has had me living by when comes to lunch starches. Again I got frustrated. Here I was doing these things I didn’t want to do. Living by rules I didn’t want to live by. Yes..I’ve been making progress…but I just wanted to be better already. Started to think about these other behaviors I am doing and realized I am not at all in place I wanted to be as I head to TN. Life had gotten so busy and making progress in recovery and behaviors had lost it’s priority. Now here I am moving on Wed and I am not where I wanted to be.
That’s when I realized I could spend all day wallowing in how I “wasted” this summer. I could ignore all the progress I made and just be mad I came up short. Or I could stop wallowing in my past and take advantage of right now. I could get out of my own way and decide right now this was not how things were going to be. I could take the leap, make up for my procrastination, and change all the behaviors I wanted to. I still had a chance to go to TN in the place I wanted to be. But I was terrified. My mind was screaming how this was too much change (calorie-wise of course), how my body and mind couldn’t handle it….and I frankly didn’t know what to do. Do I just keep making small progress…or jump all in. And there, at the crossroads, without me even asking, God showed up.
My phone went off and I figured it was one of my typical supports, but it wasn’t. It was my nutritionist from UGA. She NEVER texts me. She is there when I text her (which I rarely do now that we don’t work together), but she never initiates the contact. Until today of all days. This moment of all moments. She reached out to me and just simply asked how I was feeling. Tears came to my eyes as I felt this was a total God thing. That she would reach out to me right then. I then came to find out that she had been at church when she felt inspired by God to reach out to me. I began to cry. I began to feel like God Himself was answering me without me even asking. He cared so much about me and knew the exact person He needed to use to comfort me in that moment. I hadn’t asked for His help and yet He provided in the most perfect way. He had shown up even without me asking..He cared that much about me. So did my nutritionist. She was obedient to Him and reached out to me even though I am no longer her client. And I am sure my dad in heaven had something to do with it too. I just felt overwhelmed with love and felt like I was getting approval to make the changes from God Himself. The God who knows how this all will turn out.
And I was able to talk with my nutritionist and she made me further realize I could make this giant leap. It was all about choosing where I wanted to go in life. Every choice we make moves us in some direction. Either one of progress or relapse. It was up to me to determine which way I would go. And I wanted it to be forward. Yes…the small steps have been great and honestly I think they got me to where I am today. God has been helping me make tiny steps up the diving board, but now I am at the end and it is time to take the plunge.
So I am doing it! Correcting all these behaviors. Maybe I could have done them sooner and could have changed them slowly, but I didn’t. I have made tons of progress this summer and that is something to be proud of, but I am not where I wanted to be. And I am tired of standing in my own way. I am tired of living in regrets. There isn’t progress in the past, in regrets, in looking at where you aren’t. Progress comes from claiming the moment, realizing what you can do to make this moment one you remember not regret, and to say this is not how this will end, this is where what I wanted will begin again. I am choosing what direction I will move in today and today it is forward..it is progress..it is towards the life I want.
I will document my thoughts after each meal. I am terrified, I don’t know if/how I will make it through. But I am going to try. Bite by bite, meal by meal, moment by moment…I will be where I wanted to be when I went to TN. I still have three days…it’s not over yet…and this is not how things will end! I may not have pushed as hard as I could all summer, my recovery has been far from perfect, but that doesn't mean that right here, right now...I can't change that and continue making progress. Change isn't even the right word, because I am so proud of what I did this summer. It just means that just because I am moving in three days doesn't mean I can't make big changes now..in these final days...to be where I wanted to be. Wish me luck, send me prayers...and keep fighting for your future.