I have spent the past 3 hours looking for a server book I have already replaced. What’s a server book? It’s the little black book you see servers writing in. I had decorated mine and made it all special and it was mine. I had used it my first two serving shifts and after my second one (the one where a lady tipped me 50 dollars so I could get a winter coat), I don’t know what happened to it. I have looked in my car, torn apart my apartment, and looked at work today. It’s nowhere. And how much time I have invested in it is kind of ridiculous when I look at it.
This should be something I could shrug off. But all I’m thinking about is how I might have accidentally thrown in out when I was when one of my stress-induced cleaning phases and (due to exhaustion I will go into in another post), threw it out by mistake. That is causing my brain to explode in a fit of self-criticism I feel will not end until/if I find this dang book. But I honestly think I lost it and that just makes me feel weird.
It’s always bothered me to lose things and I have been known to scour through trash looking for something I may have thrown away. But it’s gotten worse since my dad’s passing and tonight made me reflect on why. You see, I have started to cling to objects as associated with memories, because I feel I don’t have a lot of things to remind me of my dad and that makes me sad. I don’t know…I just somehow have started to cling to things because I feel then I have some control over my memories of people and over loss.
So with this server book I kind of deemed it my connection to the lady who donated to me and to my first serving shift…etc, etc, etc. So losing it I feel like I somehow lost the memory of that. I think I seriously thought I would keep this server book and show it to my kids or something. But if I think about it…I probably would have thrown it away eventually anyway. I guess I am just off-kilter because I feel it wasn’t my choice and that brings me back to the feeling I had when my dad died. Of having something ripped from me and not knowing why.
So I am trying to come to terms with losing my server book and trying to get settled for the night, but I want to keep looking for it…..even though I have seriously re-looked over every inch of my room 5-6 times and my care 3-4 times. It just makes me feel stupid if I really did throw it away. Who knows if I will ever know…and I know one day (hopefully soon), I won’t even think about it. But right now I am just so wound up about it. I was so convinced I would come home and find it and be relieved and that didn’t happen. I should look at this as a good thing, because I can decorate a new book…but right now I just feel off. Any suggestions?