I have spent the past 3 hours looking for a server book I
have already replaced. What’s a server book? It’s the little black book you see
servers writing in. I had decorated mine and made it all special and it was
mine. I had used it my first two serving shifts and after my second one (the
one where a lady tipped me 50 dollars so I could get a winter coat), I don’t
know what happened to it. I have looked in my car, torn apart my apartment, and
looked at work today. It’s nowhere. And how much time I have invested in it is
kind of ridiculous when I look at it.
This should be something I could shrug off. But all I’m
thinking about is how I might have accidentally thrown in out when I was when
one of my stress-induced cleaning phases and (due to exhaustion I will go into
in another post), threw it out by mistake. That is causing my brain to explode
in a fit of self-criticism I feel will not end until/if I find this dang book.
But I honestly think I lost it and that just makes me feel weird.
It’s always bothered me to lose things and I have been known
to scour through trash looking for something I may have thrown away. But it’s gotten
worse since my dad’s passing and tonight made me reflect on why. You see, I
have started to cling to objects as associated with memories, because I feel I
don’t have a lot of things to remind me of my dad and that makes me sad. I don’t
know…I just somehow have started to cling to things because I feel then I have
some control over my memories of people and over loss.
So with this server book I kind of deemed it my connection
to the lady who donated to me and to my first serving shift…etc, etc, etc. So
losing it I feel like I somehow lost the memory of that. I think I seriously thought
I would keep this server book and show it to my kids or something. But if I
think about it…I probably would have thrown it away eventually anyway. I guess
I am just off-kilter because I feel it wasn’t my choice and that brings me back
to the feeling I had when my dad died. Of having something ripped from me and
not knowing why.
So I am trying to come to terms with losing my server book
and trying to get settled for the night, but I want to keep looking for it…..even
though I have seriously re-looked over every inch of my room 5-6 times and my
care 3-4 times. It just makes me feel stupid if I really did throw it away. Who
knows if I will ever know…and I know one day (hopefully soon), I won’t even
think about it. But right now I am just so wound up about it. I was so
convinced I would come home and find it and be relieved and that didn’t happen.
I should look at this as a good thing, because I can decorate a new book…but
right now I just feel off. Any suggestions?
I think you need to come to terms with "objects are just things"... And not place sentimental value on every single thing.
ReplyDeleteIt could become a sever obsession and you don't need that.
Don't decorate a new one unless you are Ok with losing that one too.
-Mel