Writing this out of frustration at myself, at ED, at everything. So tonight went and did only 35 minutes on Stairmaster and didn’t add more even when ED screaming. Now, before you applaud me, it was honestly because I had decided I really felt like doing yoga because I missed it so much and hadn’t done it since my dad passed (long story about connection there). Well…of course ED had to go and ruin what I liked.
When I got back to room, instead of doing the yoga I wanted I did one I thought would be more “intense” (I see now this was ED translation of burn more calories). Well…it wasn’t more intense, it was boring, and I hated every moment of it. So I ended up miserable and with ED calling my lazy and telling me I needed to workout more.
Well, I didn’t have time and knew I shouldn’t. Here I had proven everyone right. Everyone who said I shouldn’t do yoga because ED would twist it…and he did. And I had already planned on a fear food and didn’t feel justified in doing it but did it anyway and all the while ED was yelling. And you know why…because I cracked open the door and let him in when I chose the ED-driven yoga, instead of joy-driven one.
Normally I would react to this ED yelling by getting pissed at myself, saying screw it to recovery, and playing it safe rest of day. But not tonight. No…tonight I am pissed at ED. I am pissed he stole my joy. I am pissed I constantly play into his games convinced it will bring joy or be good enough, or please the ED side of me. And it never does. There is nothing I can do tonight to make ED appeased or quieter. I opened the door to him and he is taking full advantage, because I’ve done so well lately of keeping him at bay.
So yell ED. Kick, scream, call me disgusting….I freaking don’t care tonight. I am not working out more because it won’t be enough. I’m not eating safe, because you will still continue to beat me up about earlier challenge. No…tonight I am going to do anything and everything to piss you off. I am going to eat my challenges and stick my middle finger up at you. You stole my joy of my yoga. You stole time with my father. You steal everything. Now it is time for the tables to turn and for some harm to be done to you. So tonight…I am stealing your control and you will kick and scream like the puny, pathetic, mongrel you are and I don’t care. If I can put up with real life abusive roomates, I can put up with you incessant yelling. So screw you ED. Watch me take this bite….hope it pisses you off. Because frankly that’s all you deserve.