IMPORTANT UPDATE: MAy 29th

Hey everyone. As part of classwork on self-care I have gone back to free journaling every night. What does this mean for you? It means I am going to start posting as close to every day as I can. Some journals may be too personal to share or I may skip a night or something, but I will be posting a lot more. They may not be topical, but will just be reality. If they are topical I will name them that way, otherwise date just be name. And with that...here is today: 

March 29, 2015

So today after a long shift my manager pulled me into his office and told me he had seen me talk to the host during my shift the night before and then subsequently get sat a large party out of order. This is an issue my managers keep bringing up with me and had told me I would be fired for if it happened again. The frustrating thing is I have never asked for a table except for once when, in stupidity, I asked a table of people I knew if they wanted to be in my section. I have thoroughly apologized and never engaged in the behavior again,yet the issue kept coming up.

Tonight when my manager confronted me I completely broke down. The tears were streaming and I felt out of control. As hard as it is to admit, I even got a little suicidal. I just felt like I was failing everything. And after the denial letter from a job on Friday I just felt I wasn’t good enough for anybody. That, no matter what, I had lost that stellar reputation I had in undergrad.

I have always been the dependable, overachieving student and worker. Managers have always used me as the example of what to do. Teachers have always come to me knowing I would come through. And I have always felt like I was performing to the best of my ability. Then, this semester, things just seem to have fallen apart….and it scares me because I just seem unable to get back control and get things back on track.

I know it’s partly my late night eating issues keeping me up late and thus impacting my health, sleep, and performance. I’ve also just been busier, having personal issues, and facing significant health diagnosis that all impacted my education. This caused me to have to get accomodations and I hate that. I feel it makes me look bad to my teachers.

Then, I wasn’t ahead in all my work like usual because I was allowing self to relax, and fellow students began to tease me on how point it out saying things like: “What? You aren’t already done.” They mean it jokingly, but for me that comment stings. It makes me realize I have “slipped” in my mind…even though I haven’t, life just got more complicated.

And my field instructor started to see me as not being able to meet my obligations, even though I fully was. Even away from the office, I completed tasks before they were needed and was doing, I thought, exactly what was required. When my field instructor pulled me into the head instructors office for a meeting, I felt I had reached rock bottom. To have a teacher take me to someone out of concerns I wasn’t meeting the requirements…that was something I never thought I would face.

And now with this at Mellow. And not getting a position I thought I was shoe in for. I just felt like I was losing what had always been a big pride to me. My trustworthiness, academic initiatiative, and others belief in me. Yes, there are people who do believe in me. My professsors still talk of my quality work. But I just felt I was losing so much of me and my manager’s comment just brought it to the forefront.

I just feel I am letting people down and that life is getting out of control and I can’t find ways to fix it. I want to blame my ED , but its not really in flare up. It did flare up a few months ago and that caused some of the procrastination and such, but now it seemed better and I couldn’t get back my momentum .So I thought excelling at Mellow help and now I am failing there too.

I am not sure what to do, but I think I am just going to start anew. I am just going to say, okay…

things haven’t been the best, but you are caught up on schoolwork now and actually ahead on a lot of assignments, you have fixed the few ED behaviors that snuck back in and are making strides to recover, and everything at Mellow is out there. I can’t fix the Mellow situation because I did nothing wrong, and I just have to keep my side of the street extra clean. Academics wise I just need to make sure I don’t get behind again. And ED wise I just need to keep moving forward.

So I felt out of control, and I think that is issue. I need to stop trying to control everything, because when I do, everything goes wrong. Instead, I need to do what I need to do, keep my responsibilities, and trust God for the rest. Trust that everything will work out. It’s hard, but it’s what I have to do. Because trying to control life, trying to overachieve, trying to live up to expectations of others….it’s doing more harm than good.

Learning what faith really is

Mar 27, 2015

Today has just been a really, really hard day. Especially between me and God. First, weigh-in didn’t go so good, then have assistantship interview and didn’t feel good about it. But I was holding out. I knew I would be hearing back about the interview from last week I felt 100% confident in. I just knew I would hear I got the position and would finally be able to stop worrying about where I would live this summer.

Well…I got the letter. And I didn’t get the position.

I immediately spiraled into self-defeat and anger. If I felt confident about this interview (btw first time ever that’s happened) and didn’t get it…then would I not get any of my assistantships either. I mean everyone thought I was a shoe in for this housing position and I didn’t get it…what about even more competitive assistantships….how would I ever be good enough for those?

And then there was fact I was essentially homeless this summer. I have to stay in Knox and yet there is no way for me to. I felt out of control. Out of hope. And just so confused. How was God holding me if it felt like I was in a freefall? Then I had to go in to Mellow which I thought would make matters worse.

Well, Mellow was just what I needed. I love my job there and we got slammed and though that has meant working and having to eat late (ie didn’t get home till 1 AM). It gave me the time away to just think and to put my energy into helping others. I left feeling happy again. And honestly…it gave me time to talk to God and friends.

I had talked to my mom earlier and she had told me to trust God, but she caught me in crisis mode and I really didn’t listen. But at mellow….those words sunk in. I was freaking out because I wasn’t trusting. I was thinking trusting was figuring out God’s plan and having an immediate plan B. Something, anything to rest my anchor on. But that’s not faith. That’s not trust.

Trust is knowing there is a plan even if you can’t see it and knowing it’s a good plan because that is what God promises. IT means putting your faith in the fact that God can see your whole future and only He knows how the pieces have to fit together. So am I still scared? Yes. I mean I still have no idea where I am going to live. But I am finding a little peace knowing, in my heart, the God of the universe knows and He is orchestrating things to work out. I just have to focus on today. IT’s not summer yet and I need to just concentrate on today and let God do His part. Prayers as I hear back from another round of interviews this week, and hear about potential future interviews too. Love you all,

Jess.

The magic of residential

March 22, 2015

            So I’m struggling. Not with symptoms, no. In fact fighting really really hard. I’m struggling with how slow the process is outpatient. How far I still need to go and how far I have slipped.

            It started when friend went to residential treatment at Remuda a few weeks ago. I was suddenly filled with jealousy. I wanted to go. I wanted to be back at Renfrew or go to Remuda. And I started to wonder why.

            Funny thing is first thought in my mind was all the food. And how good it was. But I realized what was really beneath that. I wanted that instant freedom. When you go to residential, you are stripped completely of your ED in one moment. No slow, step-by-step process like outpatient. It’s amazing. It’s this instant relief and freedom and all decisions are taken from you. In the moment it sucks, but looking back now it seems glorious.

            I am just getting frustrated. I want to be able to get rid of every single symptom I use and eat whatever I want outpatient. So why don’t I just go residential if I want it so badly? Because I’ve been there, tried that, and reality is it doesn’t work for me. Yes, the instant freedom is great and I do well there. But as soon as I get back home I go back to the way things were…honestly because it is so easy to recover in residential that I never really learn to feed myself and how to do it on my own. Every single time I’ve come home from residential I have cried because I know the vacation is over.

            So what do I do? Because out here I know some behaviors I use that I don’t want to, but it seems like as soon as I fix those I realize 10 trillion others I have. And how do I figure out how to eat different things when been eating same things so long. It’s like I feel I need someone else to do it for me, but that is the problem that keeps me relapsing.

            And that’s other thing. Why can’t I just get rid of all my symptoms? Seriously. Like just give myself one week where I do absolutely no symptoms and give myself the freedom I desire? Yeah it would be terribly hard because I am also dealing with school and life and work which you don’t in residential, but heck….if I were to go residential and come out, I’d have to do it so it’s no different. I would love any ideas.

            Also…how stupid would it be to reach out to a treatment place and see if they would give me a one or two week stint there. Short enough I don’t miss work, but also long enough to get that “reset.” Think they’d do it. Honestly, the aspect I most want from going to do a “reset” is being reintroduced to all kinds of foods and having someone else cook for me. It’s why I miss the dining hall too. And then I feel all kinds of weird for missing food.

            Okay this is long enough…just needed to put feelers out there. Please help with any insight. Maybe the week of easter be my reset week?

Lion Chaser, Fear Eraser

Sometimes all I can say to God is…”wow.” His timing is just so perfect even when it seems upside down. Now is one of those times.

Yesterday I got to hear my old pastor preach at my current church and it was amazing. Even though this wasn’t the main theme of the night, I walked a way on fire to stand in the victory God has granted me over my addiction. To walk out, every day, the freedom and joy he has brought me. To stop talking so much about the negatives in my life and become more positive. To stop always assuming the worst and start believing for the best. Even in things as simple as a table tipping me. Perhaps starting with the small will progress to the big anyway.

I realized I hadn’t fully taken on every challenge and opportunity God had presented me to challenge my ED in the past few days of Lent but I also realized I had 25 days left. So I started a 25-day challenge. To trust God, speak more positive, and fight ED with every opportunity that presents itself. Reality is, if I am not claiming an opportunity to fight ED I am letting ED win. And that just can’t happen anymore. If I say I am not strong enough or am too scared, I am saying my fears are bigger than God when reality is God is bigger than my fears.

My pastor also said that our freedom is bought with a price. I forget that so many times. That the blood of Christ bought me victory over every lie and ED behavior I have. Over every struggle. He also said we need to stop laying back down in coffins, and start running free of our shackles. Wow! How strong of a statement is that. So I left motivated and on fire.

 

THEN TODAY HAPPENED. I have been really sick and woke up still sick and tired. I allowed

myself to nap, which is something I never do, but eventually forced myself to get up so I could start working on my 10,000 steps I now require myself to get every day. I realized how disordered it was but just felt it was something I needed to do to be “healthy”—a frequent tactic of the Enemy to trick me.

Eventually I got too tired and laid back down for more of a nap. Then it was time to get up and have lunch….and the option presented to me by my starch box was the most terrifying. I just didn’t feel I could do it. But with the motivation of it being my dad’s anniversary and the stern reminder of last night from my recovery coach, I stood in victory and did it. It was terrifying but honestly felt good.

I then let myself go to spin because I wanted to feel alive. Smart to do when you are sick? Probably not. But I went anyway. And the easiest instructor was subbing for the usual tough one. And off ED went. Telling me how I needed to do extra, restrict later, blah blah blah. But I was honestly too exhausted to listen. So I went to class and after went to do my cool down and was filled with all of ED’s lies. That’s when I took out my book to read while I biked and saw this on the back cover:

This is a new book I am reading called In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day and it’s freaking amazing and was filled with just the Truth I needed today. Through the story of Beniah, the author introduced in chapter one we are meant to be lion chasers. What does this mean?

It means we are meant to stare our fears in the face and chase them down, not let them force us to run away. Benaiah did just this when he CHASED DOWN a lion and killed it in a pit on a snowy day. Yes. You read that right. He didn’t fight off a lion, or get chased by a lion, he CHASED DOWN a lion. That means he looked the lion in the eyes, and in the instant most people would turn and run, he chased that lion down. And eventually killed it. And you know what. He was victorious and because he CHASED DOWN the lion instead of letting the lion chase him, he eventually became the head of the Israeli army.

So what does this mean for us? It means that those times when we are present with challenges or opportunities to face our fears and our minds tell us all the reasons why its not the reason to face the fear, it is the PERFECT time to face the fear, because it’s God’s time. I doubt Beniah looked that lion in the eyes and thought, yep, today is the perfect day to chase this lion down.  I totally woke up this morning looking for the perfect lion to chase down. No! He probably thought, “shit there is a lion here.” And he took his fear and ran with it, right at the lion, and right to victory.

And here is the thing. Those moments when we chase down our lions, those our usually the moments of our greatest victories. For me, in recovery I know that’s true. The moments I take the opportunities to fight ED aren’t the ones I regret, I regret the times I didn’t. The times I let a chance of freedom pass me by. The reality is, with Christ we are equipped every day to face any challenge that comes our way. And every challenge is God-ordained. An opportunity for Him to build us into the lion chaser He calls us to be.  

So let’s stop running scared of our fears. Let’s stop letting our fears chase us down and stop letting the fear in our guts rob God from the glory He deserves. It’s time we look at challenges as chances for freedom. Look at obstacles as opportunities to fight. And walk into the surprise as well as planned challenges we face, because we know all of them are chosen by God just for us. And that we are in the exact right place at the right time to face them, because we are right where God positioned us to be. Right where he put us to claim new victory in him.

It won’t be easy, and sometimes we may strike out, but in the end I am confident if we start chasing our lions, seizing our God-ordained challenges, and fight with the strength He provides, we will find the freedom His precious blood bought us. For me, that meant leaving the gym because I was tired. Not adding extra. And facing another few fear foods tonight. Those were my lions. Today seemed so “wrong”. It wasn’t “supposed” to be this scary. That’s what I thought. Now I see today was really perfect, and God knew it was perfect day for some victories. Especially on what would have been my dad and stepmom’s 4 year wedding anniversary—a day we would celebrate as a family anniversary. This one is for you papa, I am letting out my inner roar as you always said, and I am chasing down some lions for Christ.