March 29, 2015
So today after a long shift my manager pulled me into his
office and told me he had seen me talk to the host during my shift the night
before and then subsequently get sat a large party out of order. This is an
issue my managers keep bringing up with me and had told me I would be fired for
if it happened again. The frustrating thing is I have never asked for a table
except for once when, in stupidity, I asked a table of people I knew if they
wanted to be in my section. I have thoroughly apologized and never engaged in
the behavior again,yet the issue kept coming up.
Tonight when my manager confronted me I completely broke
down. The tears were streaming and I felt out of control. As hard as it is to
admit, I even got a little suicidal. I just felt like I was failing everything.
And after the denial letter from a job on Friday I just felt I wasn’t good
enough for anybody. That, no matter what, I had lost that stellar reputation I
had in undergrad.
I have always been the dependable, overachieving student and
worker. Managers have always used me as the example of what to do. Teachers
have always come to me knowing I would come through. And I have always felt
like I was performing to the best of my ability. Then, this semester, things
just seem to have fallen apart….and it scares me because I just seem unable to
get back control and get things back on track.
I know it’s partly my late night eating issues keeping me up
late and thus impacting my health, sleep, and performance. I’ve also just been
busier, having personal issues, and facing significant health diagnosis that
all impacted my education. This caused me to have to get accomodations and I
hate that. I feel it makes me look bad to my teachers.
Then, I wasn’t ahead in all my work like usual because I was
allowing self to relax, and fellow students began to tease me on how point it
out saying things like: “What? You aren’t already done.” They mean it jokingly,
but for me that comment stings. It makes me realize I have “slipped” in my
mind…even though I haven’t, life just got more complicated.
And my field instructor started to see me as not being able
to meet my obligations, even though I fully was. Even away from the office, I
completed tasks before they were needed and was doing, I thought, exactly what
was required. When my field instructor pulled me into the head instructors
office for a meeting, I felt I had reached rock bottom. To have a teacher take
me to someone out of concerns I wasn’t meeting the requirements…that was
something I never thought I would face.
And now with this at Mellow. And not getting a position I
thought I was shoe in for. I just felt like I was losing what had always been a
big pride to me. My trustworthiness, academic initiatiative, and others belief
in me. Yes, there are people who do believe in me. My professsors still talk of
my quality work. But I just felt I was losing so much of me and my manager’s
comment just brought it to the forefront.
I just feel I am letting people down and that life is
getting out of control and I can’t find ways to fix it. I want to blame my ED ,
but its not really in flare up. It did flare up a few months ago and that
caused some of the procrastination and such, but now it seemed better and I
couldn’t get back my momentum .So I thought excelling at Mellow help and now I
am failing there too.
I am not sure what to do, but I think I am just going to
start anew. I am just going to say, okay…
So I felt out of control, and I think that is issue. I need
to stop trying to control everything, because when I do, everything goes wrong.
Instead, I need to do what I need to do, keep my responsibilities, and trust
God for the rest. Trust that everything will work out. It’s hard, but it’s what
I have to do. Because trying to control life, trying to overachieve, trying to
live up to expectations of others….it’s doing more harm than good.
No comments:
Post a Comment