Monday, March 30, 2015


Hey everyone. As part of classwork on self-care I have gone back to free journaling every night. What does this mean for you? It means I am going to start posting as close to every day as I can. Some journals may be too personal to share or I may skip a night or something, but I will be posting a lot more. They may not be topical, but will just be reality. If they are topical I will name them that way, otherwise date just be name. And with is today: 

March 29, 2015

So today after a long shift my manager pulled me into his office and told me he had seen me talk to the host during my shift the night before and then subsequently get sat a large party out of order. This is an issue my managers keep bringing up with me and had told me I would be fired for if it happened again. The frustrating thing is I have never asked for a table except for once when, in stupidity, I asked a table of people I knew if they wanted to be in my section. I have thoroughly apologized and never engaged in the behavior again,yet the issue kept coming up.

Tonight when my manager confronted me I completely broke down. The tears were streaming and I felt out of control. As hard as it is to admit, I even got a little suicidal. I just felt like I was failing everything. And after the denial letter from a job on Friday I just felt I wasn’t good enough for anybody. That, no matter what, I had lost that stellar reputation I had in undergrad.

I have always been the dependable, overachieving student and worker. Managers have always used me as the example of what to do. Teachers have always come to me knowing I would come through. And I have always felt like I was performing to the best of my ability. Then, this semester, things just seem to have fallen apart….and it scares me because I just seem unable to get back control and get things back on track.

I know it’s partly my late night eating issues keeping me up late and thus impacting my health, sleep, and performance. I’ve also just been busier, having personal issues, and facing significant health diagnosis that all impacted my education. This caused me to have to get accomodations and I hate that. I feel it makes me look bad to my teachers.

Then, I wasn’t ahead in all my work like usual because I was allowing self to relax, and fellow students began to tease me on how point it out saying things like: “What? You aren’t already done.” They mean it jokingly, but for me that comment stings. It makes me realize I have “slipped” in my mind…even though I haven’t, life just got more complicated.

And my field instructor started to see me as not being able to meet my obligations, even though I fully was. Even away from the office, I completed tasks before they were needed and was doing, I thought, exactly what was required. When my field instructor pulled me into the head instructors office for a meeting, I felt I had reached rock bottom. To have a teacher take me to someone out of concerns I wasn’t meeting the requirements…that was something I never thought I would face.

And now with this at Mellow. And not getting a position I thought I was shoe in for. I just felt like I was losing what had always been a big pride to me. My trustworthiness, academic initiatiative, and others belief in me. Yes, there are people who do believe in me. My professsors still talk of my quality work. But I just felt I was losing so much of me and my manager’s comment just brought it to the forefront.

I just feel I am letting people down and that life is getting out of control and I can’t find ways to fix it. I want to blame my ED , but its not really in flare up. It did flare up a few months ago and that caused some of the procrastination and such, but now it seemed better and I couldn’t get back my momentum .So I thought excelling at Mellow help and now I am failing there too.

I am not sure what to do, but I think I am just going to start anew. I am just going to say, okay…
things haven’t been the best, but you are caught up on schoolwork now and actually ahead on a lot of assignments, you have fixed the few ED behaviors that snuck back in and are making strides to recover, and everything at Mellow is out there. I can’t fix the Mellow situation because I did nothing wrong, and I just have to keep my side of the street extra clean. Academics wise I just need to make sure I don’t get behind again. And ED wise I just need to keep moving forward.

So I felt out of control, and I think that is issue. I need to stop trying to control everything, because when I do, everything goes wrong. Instead, I need to do what I need to do, keep my responsibilities, and trust God for the rest. Trust that everything will work out. It’s hard, but it’s what I have to do. Because trying to control life, trying to overachieve, trying to live up to expectations of others….it’s doing more harm than good.

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