March 31, 2015
I am starting to see self-sabotage largely at play in my
recovery and it’s pissing me off. Today was a
day where there really shouldn’t
have been an excuse to not be able to eat earlier in day, yet somehow timing
ended up worse. Because I put other things before getting in my meals and that’s
not okay. 
I noticed I do this most when I make it my goal to fix
timing. It’s like as soon as it is the goal and I set a specific time around
when I want to get to dinner by….I end up doing things to stay busy or be
unavailable at that time. And I don’t notice it tills it’s too late. I then try
and justify it as okay by doing a fear food or other behavioral challenge, but
reality is it’s not okay. I want to fix meal timing. I am most scared to fix
meal timing and thus I HAVE TO FIX MEAL TIMING. I need some way to become aware
of this self-sabotage and stop it. It’s just not fair to myself. To fulfill a
self-fulfilling prophecy at failing at my goals and being unable to ever eat at
normal times.
I also noticed that eating late just makes me despise and
fear food more because mind wanders to impact eating late will have. So then I
don’t even get to enjoy meals. I noticed this comes up as well in me
overcooking and burning foods. The overcooking also makes it take longer to
prep and gets in way of timing, but its more annoying how I do it almost so I
can’t enjoy food. How did I go from someone who couldn’t get enough enjoyment
of food and binged, to this. To a person afraid to eat and finding ways to make
food disgusting? It’s like I feel I have to dislike food in order to control
myself and my intake. But heck…it would be nice (as much as ED doesn’t want me
to admit) to be able to enjoy my meals for once.
So with tomorrow being April Fool’s day…maybe what I will
do, is make ED the fool. Tomorrow I will not only not burn or overcook meals,
but I will get good meal timing. And I will try and enjoy my food. Definitely
fixing meal timing will help with this because won’t be rushed, but mostly…I
just need to stop making excuses and start making a way to listen to and obey
myself, not ED. That’s what this comes down to. To making me a priority over
listening to ED. Because even if I am listening to ED and getting in my intake…it’s
not recovery. It’s just making myself feel it is, because meeting meal plan. But,
in the end, recovery is making each and every choice one to deliberately
disobey ED. So I forgive myself for today and look forward to my April Fool’s
day and making ED the fool.
How will you celebrate April Fool's?
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