Thursday, April 9, 2015

Perfect (Timed) Love Casts Out All Fear

So today ED deemed a bad day. Before it even started it was going to be a bad day and I certainly wouldn’t be doing any challenges. In fact, ED deemed that today would be the day I threw away my over 400 days of adhering to a meal plan. Today was going to be his day. And I am sorry to say it almost was.

I went through the day cutting down myself, my body, food, and even others (sorry C.J. and Kim). I have been sick with strep all week and the exhaustion and rest (which ED deems laziness) that brought has been very hard. Add in the fact today I overheard people cutting me down in class (I was attending class via Zoom and students didn’t know I was there) and I was just ready to be done. I went to the gym to get out my frustrations, and found pure bliss there.

I left and was happy but still didn’t really want to eat. I tried to read a God-inspired book in the gym, but didn’t get any words to comfort me. I felt lost. Usually I feel some prompting, but I just felt nothing (of course looking back I never prayed…maybe asking God would have been best). But then something perfect happened, all in God’s timing.

First, my amazing warrior friend Claire text me and updated me on all the amazing vicotries she is having in treatment, I thought about her, about the struggles we have been through together. About how much I desired the joy and freedom I read in her texts,….and I decided there was no reason I had to go to treatment to face my fears. I could do it out here. So a little spark started. Still I was scared and figured I would just start doing challenges tomorrow if things turned out right.

But God wasn’t done with me yet. The next text to roll through my phone, one from my Bubba. Now you have to understand. My brother has always meant everything to me. He helped raise me, he protected me from abuse when I was younger, and his words at my dad’s funeral saved my life. All because he said he loved me and didn’t want me to be the next one dead. And his text tonight, it saved my recovery.

He simply was telling me he was going to get an ED recovery symbol tattoo in my honor. Something so permanent, for me? I was so overwhelmed with curiosity and joy, I called him. What followed was just a simple conversation. Just us updating each other on our lives and just simply talking. I haven’t spoken to him in months. And this, this simple phone call, it was everything I needed. I felt my brother cheering me on, believing in me, and being proud of me. I wouldn’t let him down.

So I got back to my apartment and set at it, not only finishing my meal plan, but doing it without ED behaviors I usually use. No skimpking, no spilling seeds, and no choosing safe foods. Faeed corn on the cobb, butternut squash, and a HUGE pita. Later on faced pasta and mushrooms and even honey Dijon almonds. Why? Because there was no way this was a coincidence. These were God-incidences. God-incidences of love. And Love has power. Love casts out fears. Love makes a way. And, tonight, as on the first Easter, LOVE SAVES!

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