April 16th, 2015
Well, now anorexia impacting my work. I am seeing truth to
what my mom told me: whatever you put before recovery you will lose. Did it
with work, and now, because of meal timing, I am having to call into work late
tomorrow. Because I was so scared to eat early, because I didn’t prioritize my
time, I am finishing meal plan and not getting in bed till 4 am. So there was
no way I was taking another only 2-3 hour sleep night. Because that’s led me to
fall asleep during the day. I am now unable to get up in time for work. And
then at night I am too exhausted and anxious for school work because of meal
timing. Things HAVE TO change. Now that classes are coming to an end, it is
time I put on the recovery focus.
I have come to admit I have developed a kind of night eating
syndrome as a result of anorexia-based
fears. I have started to put exercise before eating, but have decided it’s not
bad because I still get things in. Well, when you aren’t eating till 10 pm at
night….things are bad. When it is impacting your work, things are bad. When you
are up eating at 4 am when you just want to be asleep things are bad. When you
want with everything in you to be done eating by 12 am and can’t do it because of
fear, things are bad. So no more excuses. I used to live by the rule nothing
after 8 pm and would cram everything in early. Then things somehow shifted and
now I am here. I got myself here…..or well I guess ED did, but God and me are
gonna get myself out. I have hit my rock bottom.
So I am putting this out there for accountability and for
myself. Starting Monday I will aim to get everything done by 2 AM, then
starting Thursday be at 1 AM. This will happen, because it has to. My life, my
joy, my sleep….me….depend on it. Too tired to type anymore. Night.
Thank you for your reply. I do not know who this is because you chose to be anonymous. I hope you reach out in person and help me. I also hope you can work to word things constructively as this triggered me by making me want to give up. You say no one will fund me yet people have. I need a nutritionist to help guide me and that's how I get one. Yes I still am disordered and I have written that. These are my personal journals and I won't put out what sounds good just for others. Thank you again and please reach out to me with any tips.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDelete"Anonymous" is gravely mistaken. You are in recovery, because you are stronger than your eating disorder. She/he must not be aware of what is like to live with an ED after diagnosis or recognition, since I believe that living mindful of your ED, like I have done, is a very unique place to be. You are alive, you are maintaining this website, you are going to school, you are working on your career. You are trying to live a vibrant life even in the face of your ED. That is awesome. You are in recovery, no matter what anyone says, and just because someone is upset because it didn't magically finish overnight, don't give up.