Friday, April 17, 2015

Enough is enough

April 16th, 2015

Well, now anorexia impacting my work. I am seeing truth to what my mom told me: whatever you put before recovery you will lose. Did it with work, and now, because of meal timing, I am having to call into work late tomorrow. Because I was so scared to eat early, because I didn’t prioritize my time, I am finishing meal plan and not getting in bed till 4 am. So there was no way I was taking another only 2-3 hour sleep night. Because that’s led me to fall asleep during the day. I am now unable to get up in time for work. And then at night I am too exhausted and anxious for school work because of meal timing. Things HAVE TO change. Now that classes are coming to an end, it is time I put on the recovery focus.

I have come to admit I have developed a kind of night eating syndrome as  a result of anorexia-based fears. I have started to put exercise before eating, but have decided it’s not bad because I still get things in. Well, when you aren’t eating till 10 pm at night….things are bad. When it is impacting your work, things are bad. When you are up eating at 4 am when you just want to be asleep things are bad. When you want with everything in you to be done eating by 12 am and can’t do it because of fear, things are bad. So no more excuses. I used to live by the rule nothing after 8 pm and would cram everything in early. Then things somehow shifted and now I am here. I got myself here…..or well I guess ED did, but God and me are gonna get myself out. I have hit my rock bottom.


So I am putting this out there for accountability and for myself. Starting Monday I will aim to get everything done by 2 AM, then starting Thursday be at 1 AM. This will happen, because it has to. My life, my joy, my sleep….me….depend on it. Too tired to type anymore. Night.

3 comments:

  1. I get so mad reading these posts. They were inspiring, but now I think they are feeding your eating disorder. You say you are in recovery, but you are not. I can list a million reasons why you aren't recovering, why you are just digging yourself deeper and deeper into your ED and you can't even see it. Here are a few:

    1) You say your doctors needed you to get a fit bit to monitor your heart, but you just use it to monitor your steps and you make yourself reach a certain number of steps each day.
    2) You complain about being tired and having to stay up so late to meet your meal plan, but you fast all day long and wait until so late to start eating.
    3) You eat fat free/sugar free everything.
    4) You don't stir your hot cocoa so that you aren't "drinking" all the calories.
    5) You say you have all these GI issues, but in all honesty if you were in treatment they would be making you eat everything and your body would learn to accept the food.
    6) You said you were going to start finishing eating by 2am, but that didn't happen.
    7) You are still chained to the scale and refuse to gain weight, even though gaining weight is a part of recovery when you are anorexic.
    8) You put working out before EVERYTHING!

    Those are just a few. I'm sure I could find more. But if you want recovery Jess, true recovery. Stop kidding yourself. You are not recovering. You are so far in your eating disorder you can't even see it. You reach out for support and accountability, but you don't take the advice and accountability people give you. No one is going to fund you money because you aren't committed to make the changes that need to be made. You are willing to make the "changes" that are convenient for you and that aren't as scary as everything else. Sometimes you have to admit defeat and realize you can't recover on your own. I think this is the time you need to do this. I truly believe you will never be able to recover and get to a healthy weight on your own. You are going to school to help others, but you have to help yourself first. Stop kidding yourself and start recovering. Quit the bull shit and start doing it the right way.

    There are two reasons I am telling you this. The first is that I care about you and you are only digging your grave. Aren't you miserable? Really think about that! The second is that I think there are a lot of girls that read these posts and see your pictures and are fooling themselves, just like you are fooling you. You "could" help so many people, but you have to TRULY help yourself first. Food, Weight, Mind, and Exercising.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your reply. I do not know who this is because you chose to be anonymous. I hope you reach out in person and help me. I also hope you can work to word things constructively as this triggered me by making me want to give up. You say no one will fund me yet people have. I need a nutritionist to help guide me and that's how I get one. Yes I still am disordered and I have written that. These are my personal journals and I won't put out what sounds good just for others. Thank you again and please reach out to me with any tips.

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    2. Hi,
      "Anonymous" is gravely mistaken. You are in recovery, because you are stronger than your eating disorder. She/he must not be aware of what is like to live with an ED after diagnosis or recognition, since I believe that living mindful of your ED, like I have done, is a very unique place to be. You are alive, you are maintaining this website, you are going to school, you are working on your career. You are trying to live a vibrant life even in the face of your ED. That is awesome. You are in recovery, no matter what anyone says, and just because someone is upset because it didn't magically finish overnight, don't give up.

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