Thursday, April 2, 2015

April 1: ED's the Fool

Wed April 1    ED will be the Fool

Well today didn’t go as planned…well there actually wasn’t a plan, but it definitely was beyond my expectations. I get asked on date, got a lot of schoolwork done, and made big impact in class I am in. Then….I got a craving. A scary scraving. An earth shattering, recovery revolutionizing craving. It’s gonna seem small to some but it was huge to me. I was craving a vegan burger….for LUNCH.

Why such a big deal? Well every day probably for past two years, only been allowed tuna at lunch. All I allowed myself. And never the proper portion. Well if I did a vegan burger I would be having to get the right portion and knowingly take in more calories. But I am tired of my lunch having to be one thing. I am tired of being restricted in what  I can do at lunch all because I won’t get right portion. And I am just tired of ED. IT’s one of those days. I want to be free, truly free…and I knew what that would take. IT would mean eating the burger. Not just that…it would mean eating the burger with soup like I was craving and not compensating at gym or through other restriction. IT would mean fear, anger, and trust.

I wish I could say the decision was easy. I wish I could say I took my motivation and went with it.
But that’s not how it went. Instead I reached out to others…trying to get someone to force me to do it. Trying to get anyone to tell me I had to. But no one responded. Lunch time came and no one was there. IT was just me, God, and a decision.

So what did I do? I did the only thing I knew was right. I got the burger. Why? Not because someone told me to. Not because scale told me to. Not because it was a good time. Not even because I was hungry because I wasn’t. I did it because of hope. I did it because I want to get better. I did it because I want to have freedom in lunch choices. I want to give recovery a chance. I knew the only way I would ever break free of the restriction I do at lunch was by doing a challenge like this. No…it wasn’t the perfect time situationally. I was terrified and my mind was screaming not to do it. But it was the perfect time in that I was craving it, I had it, and I had no one to force me to do it. It would mean making the hard decision by myself…just like I have been saying I need to do for lasting recovery. So here it is….here is my lunch:

I was terrified. Eventually people texted in support, but I got through this meal just trusting God, crying at times, and praying. Praying and hoping. Knowing it wasn’t going to feel right, but know it was right. Knowing it was my only chance at change. Things aren’t going to change and I will never be free until I mix leaps and big changes amidst little changes too. I want to be normal. I want to be able to have sandwiches with friends for lunch. I want to be able to say “Yes, let’s go to lunch” when co-workers invite me. I want to be able to go on lunch dates, not just coffee dates. I want to be free. And this silly as it sounds…is a start. Because I am taking a chance. Yes, ED says I will regret it…and maybe I will, but I would have regret never knowing, never trying, never seeing that God can give me the strength and wisdom to make the hard decisions so much more. Fingers crossed…just feel this is gonna pay off. 

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