Mar 27, 2015
Today has just been a really, really hard day. Especially
between me and God. First, weigh-in didn’t go so good, then have assistantship
interview and didn’t feel good about it. But I was holding out. I knew I would
be hearing back about the interview from last week I felt 100% confident in. I
just knew I would hear I got the position and would finally be able to stop
worrying about where I would live this summer.
Well…I got the letter. And I didn’t get the position.
I immediately spiraled into self-defeat and anger. If I felt
confident about this interview (btw first time ever that’s happened) and didn’t
get it…then would I not get any of my assistantships either. I mean everyone
thought I was a shoe in for this housing position and I didn’t get it…what
about even more competitive assistantships….how would I ever be good enough for
those?
And then there was fact I was essentially homeless this
summer. I have to stay in Knox and yet there is no way for me to. I felt out of
control. Out of hope. And just so confused. How was God holding me if it felt
like I was in a freefall? Then I had to go in to Mellow which I thought would
make matters worse.
Well, Mellow was just what I needed. I love my job there and
we got slammed and though that has meant working and having to eat late (ie
didn’t get home till 1 AM). It gave me the time away to just think and to put my
energy into helping others. I left feeling happy again. And honestly…it gave me
time to talk to God and friends.
I had talked to my mom earlier and she had told me to trust
God, but she caught me in crisis mode and I really didn’t listen. But at mellow….those
words sunk in. I was freaking out because I wasn’t trusting. I was thinking
trusting was figuring out God’s plan and having an immediate plan B. Something,
anything to rest my anchor on. But that’s not faith. That’s not trust.
Trust is knowing there is a plan even if you can’t see it
and knowing it’s a good plan because that is what God promises. IT means
putting your faith in the fact that God can see your whole future and only He
knows how the pieces have to fit together. So am I still scared? Yes. I mean I
still have no idea where I am going to live. But I am finding a little peace
knowing, in my heart, the God of the universe knows and He is orchestrating
things to work out. I just have to focus on today. IT’s not summer yet and I
need to just concentrate on today and let God do His part. Prayers as I hear
back from another round of interviews this week, and hear about potential
future interviews too. Love you all,
Jess.
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