Saturday, March 28, 2015

Learning what faith really is

Mar 27, 2015

Today has just been a really, really hard day. Especially between me and God. First, weigh-in didn’t go so good, then have assistantship interview and didn’t feel good about it. But I was holding out. I knew I would be hearing back about the interview from last week I felt 100% confident in. I just knew I would hear I got the position and would finally be able to stop worrying about where I would live this summer.

Well…I got the letter. And I didn’t get the position.

I immediately spiraled into self-defeat and anger. If I felt confident about this interview (btw first time ever that’s happened) and didn’t get it…then would I not get any of my assistantships either. I mean everyone thought I was a shoe in for this housing position and I didn’t get it…what about even more competitive assistantships….how would I ever be good enough for those?

And then there was fact I was essentially homeless this summer. I have to stay in Knox and yet there is no way for me to. I felt out of control. Out of hope. And just so confused. How was God holding me if it felt like I was in a freefall? Then I had to go in to Mellow which I thought would make matters worse.

Well, Mellow was just what I needed. I love my job there and we got slammed and though that has meant working and having to eat late (ie didn’t get home till 1 AM). It gave me the time away to just think and to put my energy into helping others. I left feeling happy again. And honestly…it gave me time to talk to God and friends.

I had talked to my mom earlier and she had told me to trust God, but she caught me in crisis mode and I really didn’t listen. But at mellow….those words sunk in. I was freaking out because I wasn’t trusting. I was thinking trusting was figuring out God’s plan and having an immediate plan B. Something, anything to rest my anchor on. But that’s not faith. That’s not trust.

Trust is knowing there is a plan even if you can’t see it and knowing it’s a good plan because that is what God promises. IT means putting your faith in the fact that God can see your whole future and only He knows how the pieces have to fit together. So am I still scared? Yes. I mean I still have no idea where I am going to live. But I am finding a little peace knowing, in my heart, the God of the universe knows and He is orchestrating things to work out. I just have to focus on today. IT’s not summer yet and I need to just concentrate on today and let God do His part. Prayers as I hear back from another round of interviews this week, and hear about potential future interviews too. Love you all,


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