March 22, 2015
So I’m struggling. Not with symptoms, no. In fact fighting really really hard. I’m struggling with how slow the process is outpatient. How far I still need to go and how far I have slipped.
It started when friend went to residential treatment at Remuda a few weeks ago. I was suddenly filled with jealousy. I wanted to go. I wanted to be back at Renfrew or go to Remuda. And I started to wonder why.
Funny thing is first thought in my mind was all the food. And how good it was. But I realized what was really beneath that. I wanted that instant freedom. When you go to residential, you are stripped completely of your ED in one moment. No slow, step-by-step process like outpatient. It’s amazing. It’s this instant relief and freedom and all decisions are taken from you. In the moment it sucks, but looking back now it seems glorious.
I am just getting frustrated. I want to be able to get rid of every single symptom I use and eat whatever I want outpatient. So why don’t I just go residential if I want it so badly? Because I’ve been there, tried that, and reality is it doesn’t work for me. Yes, the instant freedom is great and I do well there. But as soon as I get back home I go back to the way things were…honestly because it is so easy to recover in residential that I never really learn to feed myself and how to do it on my own. Every single time I’ve come home from residential I have cried because I know the vacation is over.
So what do I do? Because out here I know some behaviors I use that I don’t want to, but it seems like as soon as I fix those I realize 10 trillion others I have. And how do I figure out how to eat different things when been eating same things so long. It’s like I feel I need someone else to do it for me, but that is the problem that keeps me relapsing.
And that’s other thing. Why can’t I just get rid of all my symptoms? Seriously. Like just give myself one week where I do absolutely no symptoms and give myself the freedom I desire? Yeah it would be terribly hard because I am also dealing with school and life and work which you don’t in residential, but heck….if I were to go residential and come out, I’d have to do it so it’s no different. I would love any ideas.
Also…how stupid would it be to reach out to a treatment place and see if they would give me a one or two week stint there. Short enough I don’t miss work, but also long enough to get that “reset.” Think they’d do it. Honestly, the aspect I most want from going to do a “reset” is being reintroduced to all kinds of foods and having someone else cook for me. It’s why I miss the dining hall too. And then I feel all kinds of weird for missing food.
Okay this is long enough…just needed to put feelers out there. Please help with any insight. Maybe the week of easter be my reset week?