Let Freedom Ring in 2015!

This is going to be a very hopeful and happy post so hope y’all enjoy. It’s a lot about my motivations, inspirations, and goals for future and how I started the change for the new year today…on the last day of 2014….so this year ends on a high note too! Just to prove it’s never to late to rewrite the ending.

So I’ve been struggling lately with meal timing. Rocking out everything else, but slowly meals later and later causing me more and more panic and increasing my fear of eating anywhere close to normal. But I don’t want this to be the case. I want to eat earlier not only for my schooling (aka getting in bed earlier) but also for my new roomies. I don’t want to be up late eating and disturbing them.

That’s the thing I’m so excited about for next semester/year is my new roommates. It’s amazing what feeling love from people does to your motivation. Having roommates who I actually care about and who care about and respect me has made me what to improve myself to help out not just me, but them. They haven’t been here the past two weeks because of travels, but they are all coming back Sat and it’s kind of like I want to clean up my act for them lol.

So that brings me to meal timing. Starting tonight I am using my new recovery coach (will update It doesn’t matter how the past 364 days have gone…I still have today to write my happy ending.  That goes for you too.

more later, but this is a person in my life who has really come alongside me in recovery. We are making weekly goals between us and my therapist that I stick to. Goals related to foods/behaviors. And she is there daily to help support me. IT’s awesome). WE have set up a certain time for me to start cooking dinner by, that way dinner eating earlier, and all meal plan in by 12 AM (I have been eating as late as 2:30 AM). And why wait for new year? I want 2014 to end on a high note. On a victory. Instead of on me eating late yet again. I can and will do this!

So with all that said…onto a little New Year’s themed post. Today going to write what I am looking forward to bringing with me from 2014 into 2015 and tomorrow will write my 2015 specific goals and new things to start.

So from 2014 that I am bringing and so excited about (even if most of them just started):

• Recovery coach and our goals: though CJ just came back in my life a few weeks ago, the work we have accomplished is amazing. We are setting weekly goals and come 2015 will be joining in my therapist too. All to get me to have the life I have always dreamed of.
• Working at Melllow Mushroom: I love Mellow! I love serving. It’s such a blessing….every time I leave it is on a high. I am still having to learn how to handle the good and bad tip nights, but I love my Mellow.
• New roomies: as I mentioned these girls are saving my life without even knowing. It’s really crazy. I just feel so much love and it is making me want to become more “normal” so I can be with them more. Eating, laughing, enjoying. Like I want to eat earlier so I can eat with them and also so not up late disturbing them by being in kitchen…..didn’t care about that with old roomies was just scared they would be in kitchen not allowing me to use it…total 180 now. I want to have more normal behaviors and have actually looked into my tendency to stash up food because I want to clear out space in fridge for them and I don’t want them seeing disordered things. In old apartment I didn’t even see some of the things I was doing as disordered because I was just so scared anytime I was eating because was scared they would start their abuse. Now it’s more like…I don’t want to tear things anymore because don’t want them to see because I know it’s disordered. I actually care. I know they won’t judge me…it’s just I am now aware it’s not normal all thanks to them. Same goes with the food I have. I am realizing it’s not “normal” to have several packages of every kind of basic bagel flavor just in case you crave one. What’s normal is having a few flavors and not buying them till you run low.
• Relationship with mom: my mom and I are closer than ever before and I enjoy every second of it. I love my mom and honestly this is a big blessing from losing my dad..I have begun to open up to my mom.
  
• 
  
• Bible study & God: LOVE my new bible study and can’t wait to share more on blog about it. I am also starting to rely on God more and hope 2015 brings reliance AND trust.
• Motivation: Even on my bad days I am on fire for recovery and I am hoping to bring this motivation into the new year for me
• Therapist: LOVE my new therapist. Only three sessions and already so much healing. She is Christian, recovered from an ED, and is everything I hope to one day be.

And I will post more goals tomorrow and things/goals for 2015. Also will send pics because tonight I am tossing things of 2014 I don’t want to carry along (negativity, fear, ED behaviors) by tossing this onion bagel I tore a long time ago. It’s hard for me to do that….to toss food. But it is something that’s normal and should do and I’ve had this bagel for a month and it is symbolic of an ED behavior! So when the ball drops it will drop in trash too!

And to ring in 2015 I am starting with good meal timing (a new thing for 2015) and a past favorite dessert (arctic zero and popcorn) to symbolize carrying in something of the past!

EXCITING NEWS! Power of thoughts!

Hey everyone (if anyone actually out there…)

Just had to pop in and share some exciting news about me, my life, and blog. I have begun to realize the power of our thoughts and what we say to ourselves to either bring life or death to ourselves, our joy, and our recovery. Today was the brightest, most amazing day I have had in a while and it is because my thoughts were focused on God and all He had provided. Fears still slipped in, but I just released them and reminded myself of all God has done. That is what I chose to meditate on. I didn’t realize this was the reason my day was so positive until my bible study. Which brings me to my next thing.

I have been doing a bible study called Me, Myself, and Lies  and it’s AMAZING. If anyone wants to do it along with me, send me a little message! Anyway, it’s all about transforming the way we speak to ourselves. I am on day 4 and already my life is transforming. Well..I can’t keep all this joy and prosperity to myself, so I will be coming on here blogging about what the bible study is teaching me. If anyone else wants to read along…or wants to read my blog posts I would LOVE if you either e-mail me updates or even a little guests post you may want to do. I think it would be great to bond together and spread the love of God.

I have so much more to write, but its late and I have to work a double in the morning. I just had to spread the joy and couldn’t wait another night!

WIBW: What I Baked!

Hi everyone and Merry X-mas EVE! Or whatever holiday you celebrate. I am busy getting things ready for big day tomorrow. Have a lot to share and several posts I want to do for anyone who is reading (which doubt there are any...but if you are willing to give me a comment/shout out I would appreciate it). So, to honor myself and not stress myself today I am just sharing two things I baked tonight for tomorrow and the recipes. Sadly I can't partake in these, but I LOVE baking for others. Thanks Jenn for hosting

Cow Pies

These were a gift for my brother. He said all he wanted for Xmas was me to bake him something. Well he lives all the way in New Orleans, so I wanted something portable he could take with him and also that wouldn't go bad. Solution: cow pies! Basically choclate covered peanut clusters. He can freeze them, they are portable, and seeing as he still has a Texan accent, wears cowboy boots, and drives a truck, decided it was fitting. Easy to make too.

Ingredients

• 1 package Almond Bark
• 1 16 oz container peanuts (I used honey roasted)
• Optional: mini M&Ms or other mix-ins (some people even do crushed pringles)

Directions

Melt almond bark in microwave accordin got instructions. Mix in the peanuts and any other mix ins. Drop spoonwise onto wax paper. Let stand on wax paper until firm. Then freeze, serve, or enjoy yourself. 

Buckeye Cupcakes

These are for our families Xmas tomorrow. Theme this year: BBQ and boots. Decided buckeyes had to fit in there, but anyone can make buckeyes. So I decided to make Buckeye Cupcakes! They are a Reese and PB filled Cupcake with a homemade Peanut Butter Buttercream Frosting. It is adapted from several recipes but started when I found this one. 

Ingredients

Batter

• 12 mini PB cups (or since Xmas used bells)
• 1 box Duncan Hines Brownie mix
• 3 large eggs
• 1/4 cup oil
• 1/2 cup water
• Tiny amount creamy PB (optional)

Icing/Topping

• 1/2 cup creamy PB
• 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter @ room temp (unsalted is best) 
• 2 C powdered sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 3 T chocolate almond milk (we ran out of milk, I improvised, but you can use regular milk or an unflavored almond milk....we just happened to only have this and went along with the chocolate PB)
• 12 mini PB cups
• Optional: honey roasted peanuts

Directions for Cupcakes

1. Preheat oven to 325F
2. Line a cupcake pan with 12 cupcake liners and spray with non-stick spray
3. Mix together the Duncan Hines mix with the eggs, oil, and water (notice this is same as the directions for cakelike brownies)
4. Fill each of the cups about halfway and put a PB cup in each inverted (ie with top down). 
5. Top the PB cup with a small dollop of creamy PB by dropping it in from spoon (or off ur finger because then there is something to lick :p) this is optional 
6. Fill the cupcake liner the remainder of the way making sure to cover the PB cup so just the butt or none of it is at top. 
7. Bake @ 325 for 21 minutes (that's how long took mine) or until toothpick inserted comes out clean (may be a little chocolate on it if hit melted Reese). 
8. Let cool completely before frosting (@ least 15 minutes) 

Directions for icing

1. Combine butter, PB, vanilla, and milk with powdered sugar in bowl using a beater. Add the powder sugar slowly and mix until smooth. Add additional almond milk to achieve consistency you want. 
2. Fill a pastry bag or ziploc with corner cut out with icing
3. Ice each cupcake 
4. Top with an unwrapped PB cup and sprinkle of peanuts or any other toppings you desire. 
5. ENJOY!

Well that's it. Merry Xmas y'all!

WIAW: Thursday Throwback

This was actually written last Thursday. I have a few blog posts up my sleeve. Probably not all the ones I mentioned here but a few of them. Have some new things been learning about recovery I want to share. Just as motivation that things can change. YOU can change. ED can get quieter and even when he is screaming YOU can choose recovery.  At first you may not want to, but if you push through and do what you have to...the want to comes. Onto the post. Thanks Jenn for hosting. 

Oh and to let you all know...I have officially moved out! Living with new roomies and it's amazing and has definitely already helped me recover. When you are in a place of joy, you just don't want ED to take it away. 

Today reminded me how you can turn the day around….or well God can through you and even through others. For today, that “other” was my therapist who I love. She has a history of an ED and really listens and understands me. I learned a lot from our sessions and will be making several posts about it regarding:

• Investing in yourself and recovery
• Trusting yourself and YOUR recovery (aka not everyone need same thing) and overcoming the “Treatment Mentality” (aka what I call the idea that there are right/wrongs in recovery….ED/non-ED foods…and wt focus)
• Enjoying the Journey Means Resting Where You Are (aka not always striving for the next goal)

Well for today all of this motivated me back in recovery. That even though I have some ways to go to achieve “normalcy” the fight I am giving to recovery right now is amazing and the progress I have made is amazing. That I need to trust myself and my gut (quite literally) even if it seems small or not the normal recovery. More on that in the Treatment Mentality post though.

So I thought I would share the challenges that resulted from this.

Lunch: I had a delicious meal I wanted. Tuna wrap and barley soup. Unpictured pears and sunflower seeds. Sure…there are scarier options I could have done, but this is what I wanted….what sounded good to me. So I did it.

Workout: I went to spin class and actually slipped a little in behaviors. I told myself wouldn’t add any cardio because I did strength instead (I only add to make it 1 hour workout not 45 miBut I didn’t. I didn’t do any more. So sure I had slipped…but I stopped myself and I am choosing to focus on that huge step over the slip.

nute). Well, the instructor started a little late and I suddenly wanted to workout more…so I did 10 mins of elliptical. Well that one decision unleashed ED who then told me I hadn’t done enough and wanted more, more, more (this is always what ED does). Nothing is ever good enough.

Dinner: This was where I did huge challenge. Got some tough love about the above workout decision and decided it was time to really push myself to kind of compensate for the slip. So I did (unpictured) a larger apple and didn’t tear my tortilla like usually did. Did a pasta dish, more slaw (appropriate amount for first time ever), corn instead of peas, unskimped flounder, and a huge potato. AND greek yogurt that I didn’t “spill”. I’ve always told myself I like watered down greek yogurt because it’s too creamy…but I’ve never tried it without water added. I did tonight and it was really good.

Oatmeal snack: At my oatmeal snack I went with my hunger and ate earlier than normal even if it meant sharing the kitchen with a hostile roomie. I needed to do what was good for me. And she shares with anyone else but me. It was uncomfortable, but oh well. I also didn’t spill any oatmeal and even did the volumous oatmeal trick of putting it in fridge. IT was a delicious snack! And since it was earlier than normal I actually got to eat slowly and enjoy it.

Bagel snack: Wrapping out the night, I did let fear of my roomie push this back, but still I had what I wanted. I was quite hungry so I did a whole container of mushrooms, more apple slices than normal, Wheat bagel, syrup, hot cooca, and yogurt. Topped with full fat Jif again. Even used mustard, truvia, and cayenne pepper condiments!

And with that victory was complete.

WIAW: Challenge Day

Once again written on Tues and good thing because today isn't such a good day. Had to go see a leukemia specialist and got more and more bad news. Please...if you have an ED get help and get it early...otherwise the impact will last for years. Looking at needing a bone marrow transplant because of damage of ED combined with damage of lupus. 

Got bad news today that my hopes of getting a new N and all the hopes of progress in recovery that brought…..weren’t going to happen. The N deemed me too tough of a case and now refuses to see me. So I am back to square one. I will post more on this later….but it led to a crazy reaction. At first I was just going to throw in towel, give up on recovery, and fast for days. Then I realized that did nothing other than prove her right. Especially since I haven’t fasted in almost a year.  So then I thought about how I can find a way to recover without a N for now. And one of those things is my new commitment to a weekly Challenge Day. Right now it looks like Tues, but basically I will do scariest option/a fear food at every meal/ snack (or a scary recovery behavior) and also be very aware to not over-exerice. I will share those days on here, probably through WIAW, as I am doing today. So here goes! Thanks Jenn for hosting! 

B-fast and lunch were put together because of poor timing and choices earlier in the day. Good news about recovery, it’s forgiving. Any moment you can turn the boat around. I only pictured some of it because the rest I had already eaten, but picture is the scary parts anyway. A Flatout wrap and Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal. I also chose a tangerine over a safer option. I wish I could tell you how it taste, but reality is…I was so scared I didn’t taste anything.

Next up dinner and a terrifying combo. Did Quorn Chik’n cutlets which is huge fear and also honored my craving by doing pears in juice. It’s what I wanted…and it was safer but doing what I wanted is more important I think. This was really good. I did kind of overcook the chicken, but it wsa quite good. Also, I did the proper size cutlet even though there was a smaller one. That was hard decision, but one I knew I needed to make.  

I was very hungry and ate my oatmeal snack earlier. I let my hunger, not the clock guide me….but my hunger also outran my camera…so no pic :P Enjoy this pic instead. Trust me its more attractive than mine.

And then it was back to that onion bagel….I had one yesterday and was really craving it today. Again let my hunger guide me and finished eating for the day early! Side of mushrooms because I LOVE mushrooms. And that is real, non-whip, full fat Jif on top! And a scary soda on the side with more apples than usually eat. And with that…challenge day done!

Oh and I didn’t overexercise the whole day. Did only the 45 mins committed to.