Choosing Life, Choosing Me

“Part of me says wait one more day to start back on plan. But what does that prove. Feel if I get back on plan today will reclaim victory from the crash. Be happier all around. And stick it to ED. If wait...then me getting back on plan is still ED in control. Maybe I should just do this?”

“Okay I decided...Tired of beating self up. It's time. Time to reclaim victory. Time to claim this wakeup call. Yes I messed up. Yes I've continued to mess up and wallow in guilt past few days. But today is new day and today can start all my tomorrows. And you know what...will probably mess up again...but that's okay. Life happens, mistakes happen, and God loves us anyway.”

            Well, it happened. AS you see in my first post of the day above, I decided to choose today to put my money where my mouth is. To claim this wreck as a victory, not a tragedy. To cherish and truly live in the 2^nd lease on life I have been given. And it’s been hard, it’s been terrifying, but boy do I feel amazing (emotionally at least, stomach and ribs are hurting).

            I just knew it was the right and only thing to do. I mean I was even happy I was above my lowest weight, because it allowed me to truly claim this for God. I mean if waited till hit the weight I saw fit, would still just be ED driving me. If was back at lowest, still be ED yet again. But this way, by choosing despite the weight to start today, I really am claiming victory. I am choosing to use this wreck to save my life, not ruin it. I’m choosing to honor my dad. I’m choosing to recover. I’m choosing life. I’m choosing me.

            And the thoughts have still been there. The Enemy has snuck in quite a few times and tried to tell me the wreck was all my fault. That I’m an idiot…etc,etc,etc. But this time. Instead of engaging, instead of even countering these thoughts, I just said: “That’s not from God. So I won’t listen.” OMG! Instant peace. It really was that simple. Sure, I had to practice this about once every 5 seconds at first it seemed, but slowly the thoughts went away.

            And I really enjoyed the day. Went to gym and let myself take it easy as ribs were in pain. Talked with an amazing friend from freshmen year while enjoyed the outdoors. And even cooked something up for my dear roomie. I really, trully feel free, alive, and happy. First time since crash...actually first time in long time felt this free. Even before crash felt was in tail spin, now I felt I am shaking my tail feathers and learning to fly. 

Love

Jess

Physical Roadblock 

Of course right after I write this stomach and nausea decide to wreak havoc on my life. Right in time for dinner. I really, really don’t want to do this. With dinner and two snacks left, I have every excuse to back out now. But yet, I don’t want to not do it. Gonna take it slow, bite by bite, and do this for you all. For the people I want to inspire. Gonna push through for others because right now in too much pain to do it for myself. 

UPDATE: I finished! Thanks to God I finished whole plan. And guess what...the dinner and snack I had....EXACTLY what planned the night of the crash. So really am taking back the night!

Wrecked by Wreck

HELP. So mad at self. I have let the near fatal car crash was just in wreck me. Instead of claiming it as a second lease on life like I have written about, I’ve let it lead to a now 3-day relapse. That night, I was driving home super excited about the dinner and challenge bagel snack had planned. I was eager about my potential new job at Cracker Barrel. And was looking for reassurance I knew I would get to eat my plan even though it was late (surprise, surprise). I had made some mistakes yes. I was in rush because had chosen to go out to Walmart to get my fitbit steps in. And when my breaks wouldn't stop me and there was car coming at me, instead of speeding through I tried to turn...how was that ever going to work out.

Yet I can’t help but think this happened for a reason. I mean…part of me said don’t go to gym just ignore ED, don’t go to Walmart it’s late just ignore ED, you already know what you want to eat and don’t need to think constantly over it…just ignore ED. Yet I listened to ED and this is what happened. Had I not gone to gym or Walmart wouldn’t have been at that intersection when crash happened. . And the crash was a big wake up call, yet I’m not letting it be the life saving wake up call it could have been. Even though so many blessings have come: I am going back to NA, going to see a nutritionist, realize how much ED has taken,, now can relate to clients who get in wrecks because of disorder, get a new car will probably like better, and got to spend precious time with family… I just can’t let myself let this be a good thing. So I keep punishing myself which has led to this horrid relapse. Even though been punished enough losing dad's car (last thing of his I have now that he is dead), facing tons of bills, facing increased insurance rates, and having bruised all my ribs and having concussion. How do I snap out of this. I mean I honestly miss food. I miss the freedom I felt before that crash. The crash could have been a wake up call to freedom and instead I have let it wake up ED….what do I do now?

Second chance? Am I taking it

May 28, 2015

Trying to regain my sanity after this wreck. Back in that self-defeat and pity which I don’t want. And think I found it.

I mean, leaving my dad’s car today and having to face reality I’m never going to drive it again really hurt, but then I stopped and started to think how this was good thing. Part of me moving on from dad’s death. His car always felt to me like my dead dad’s car, not mine. Yet I never would have sold it. I wouldn’t have wanted to do that because would feel was selling away dad. Would have driven car I hated until it broke down and I couldn’t get money for it. Yet, if dad was alive he would have wanted me to be more independent, sell my car, and use the inheritance from my grandparents for one of my own. And essentially, in getting an insurance check for my car and using the inheritance for car, it’s like I’m getting to do that.

And honestly…I can let this wreck keep holding me back. Or I can use it as a start. A second chance at life. Because my ED was just like the wreck. IT was a one way course to death and honestly, I felt I was losing control, just as did in wreck. It was an accident. No one’s fault. Shit just happens. I can either let it defeat me…or see it as a second chance.

I should be dead. Honestly, everyone who has seen car says that. But God spared me and gave me a second chance. He saved me. And here I will be getting a new car, and I got a new job, and next week a new nutritionist. This is my second chance, this is a new start. If I claim it to be.

It’s up to me. Either this wreck becomes the biggest disaster in my life….or it becomes the moment I claim my life and brings about my biggest victory. In the end it’s up to me….and I know which I want to choose….just have to choose it. This is my second chance, and it’s probably my last. Time to start real recovery, weight gain and all. Time to be free. Time to see this wreck not as an accident, but as a divine wake up call. And heck, I’m answering.

I would like help investing in a nutritionist if anyone can. Please help me in the recovery start. Thank you.

http://www.gofundme.com/FindingI-mFree

Crashing into Life

Wreck: Tues May 26^th 10:14 PM, new leas on life Tues May 26, 2015 10:15 PM

That’s right. Tuesday night I was involved in a wreck. One I am lucky to have survived and walked away from. It was most horrific terrifying experience. For legal reasons, leaving out details. But basically in the end my car was totaled, I have sustained a concussion and bruised all my ribs, and will be facing significant bills. All I could think about was all the money, the fact I had just lost all chances of getting to see a nutritionist, and how much of a failure I was. Now, after an amazing journey these past few hours…I am seeing this crash which seemed so devastating actually crashed me into life.

First off, I have come to see how precious life is. When saw car coming at me all I could think is “This is it…this is the end of me.” And I was scared. Terrified. I realize now, after countless people saying Im lucky to have lived, that God has me here for a reason. He has spared me multiple times and I know He is looking after me. And life is so much more than food, weight, exercise, grades, money. In that moment, that moment I thought was my last, none of that mattered. In the moments since, they haven’t mattered. What’s mattered is God, family, love. The dreams and opportunities I have. What mattered was life. And I want to start living life for what matters.

I also saw just how loved I am. When ED tells me I am alone, I know I am not now .I have been surrounded by prayers, support, and ongoing love despite such an accident. Despite what I have beat myself up over. People have loved me and supported me. My parents left work just to be with me. My family surrounded me with texts of love. Friends from years past reached out. I am amazed by who reached out….and also who hasn’t. It’s made me realize who I truly matter to, and it’s a lot of people. And what each and every one said, was how much they would have missed me if I died. And that means a lot. Even my therapist called to support me.

And honestly, being bedridden since the accident. And having to be without a job since I also got fired on Saturday….it’s made me stop and appreciate life. Live life. And really trust in God. And it’s been amazing. I feel rested, alive, and happy again. I feel free.

So yes, the bills are still there, a little of the guilt is still there, and the fear is still there, but I am filled so much with joy. Seeing all the positives. No one died, no one else was injured, and I get a new car (something honestly needed as old one was having issues…issues which lead to crash). Heck, I may even let myself enjoy buying a new car.

So while it seemed I crashed into misery, I think I crashed into the rest of my life. I still really need a nutritionist, so I am asking for continued support and sharing of this fundraising link .And also for prayers. That this mindset and hope remain.

Here is the link to share too:

http://www.gofundme.com/FindingI-mFree

Thank you all,

Jess

Admitting ED impact in life...trigger warning

Please don't read if easily triggered as this is honest about ED behaviors. 

May 16, 2015 Admitting ED impact

Well tonight I faced the facts, my ED is really impacting my life. No, I’m not restricting. But exercise has become obsessive and I eat most of my food late at night and I still haven’t gained weight. I was fine with this when I could write off that it had impacted me, but tonight it did.

Tonight my manager did something that might actually end up saving me and pushing me to recover. He told me he didn’t think I was capable of the job because I was so slow. I will admit, I’ve noticed as my wt dropped low  I got slower. And I will admit it has dropped more recently…maybe because I am more active…and I haven’t done things to stop it because I’m always convinced it is just going to go back up. But reality is I have noticed I’m slower but I just feel so exhausted.

Why? Because I push myself way too much. I probably go to spin more than I should with how much I waitress. I don’t prioritize eating during the day so then I have to stay up at night doing it and lose sleep. And instead of napping I go to gym. So, frankly, think I am exhausted.

He also mentioned how I can’t carry certain trays at the job. These weigh like 40-50 lbs. I will admit, I’ve never had upper body strength, but these trays weigh a lot compared to my body weight. So by not gaining weight or at least stopping it from dipping lower, I am jeopardizing my job.

And once my eyes were opened to fact ED may cost me my job, I realized the other areas it’s creeping into. I can’t go as hard as want to in spin. I can’t concentrate as much on academics. I can’t go out with people because prioritize gym and then also can’t go out and eat. My low weight makes people feel I am incapable without even giving me a chance, which was never an issue even when I was 5 lbs heavier. I’m tired all the time, cold all the time, and afraid to show my body because I realize how small it is. I am scared to let others hug or touch me because they will feel spine and bones. And teachers and now my manager make mention of my body size.

So I am going to do what is scary. I am going to cut down on exercise and focus on timing and rest. I am also, if I can raise funds, get a nutritionist and start on path to gaining weight. It’s like I’ve been waiting for something more than me to come along and motivate me. Right now it’s my job and also a recent love interest. Something has got to give, and it’s not gonna be me, my family, my future, or my job. IT’s gonna be, it has to be, and it will be ED. I will prove my manager wrong, prove I am capable, and I will do this .One week, one moment, one bite at a time.