Saturday, May 30, 2015

Wrecked by Wreck

HELP. So mad at self. I have let the near fatal car crash was just in wreck me. Instead of claiming it as a second lease on life like I have written about, I’ve let it lead to a now 3-day relapse. That night, I was driving home super excited about the dinner and challenge bagel snack had planned. I was eager about my potential new job at Cracker Barrel. And was looking for reassurance I knew I would get to eat my plan even though it was late (surprise, surprise). I had made some mistakes yes. I was in rush because had chosen to go out to Walmart to get my fitbit steps in. And when my breaks wouldn't stop me and there was car coming at me, instead of speeding through I tried to was that ever going to work out.

Yet I can’t help but think this happened for a reason. I mean…part of me said don’t go to gym just ignore ED, don’t go to Walmart it’s late just ignore ED, you already know what you want to eat and don’t need to think constantly over it…just ignore ED. Yet I listened to ED and this is what happened. Had I not gone to gym or Walmart wouldn’t have been at that intersection when crash happened. . And the crash was a big wake up call, yet I’m not letting it be the life saving wake up call it could have been. Even though so many blessings have come: I am going back to NA, going to see a nutritionist, realize how much ED has taken,, now can relate to clients who get in wrecks because of disorder, get a new car will probably like better, and got to spend precious time with family… I just can’t let myself let this be a good thing. So I keep punishing myself which has led to this horrid relapse. Even though been punished enough losing dad's car (last thing of his I have now that he is dead), facing tons of bills, facing increased insurance rates, and having bruised all my ribs and having concussion. How do I snap out of this. I mean I honestly miss food. I miss the freedom I felt before that crash. The crash could have been a wake up call to freedom and instead I have let it wake up ED….what do I do now?

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