Sunday, May 17, 2015

Admitting ED impact in life...trigger warning

Please don't read if easily triggered as this is honest about ED behaviors. 

May 16, 2015 Admitting ED impact

Well tonight I faced the facts, my ED is really impacting my life. No, I’m not restricting. But exercise has become obsessive and I eat most of my food late at night and I still haven’t gained weight. I was fine with this when I could write off that it had impacted me, but tonight it did.

Tonight my manager did something that might actually end up saving me and pushing me to recover. He told me he didn’t think I was capable of the job because I was so slow. I will admit, I’ve noticed as my wt dropped low  I got slower. And I will admit it has dropped more recently…maybe because I am more active…and I haven’t done things to stop it because I’m always convinced it is just going to go back up. But reality is I have noticed I’m slower but I just feel so exhausted.

Why? Because I push myself way too much. I probably go to spin more than I should with how much I waitress. I don’t prioritize eating during the day so then I have to stay up at night doing it and lose sleep. And instead of napping I go to gym. So, frankly, think I am exhausted.

He also mentioned how I can’t carry certain trays at the job. These weigh like 40-50 lbs. I will admit, I’ve never had upper body strength, but these trays weigh a lot compared to my body weight. So by not gaining weight or at least stopping it from dipping lower, I am jeopardizing my job.

And once my eyes were opened to fact ED may cost me my job, I realized the other areas it’s creeping into. I can’t go as hard as want to in spin. I can’t concentrate as much on academics. I can’t go out with people because prioritize gym and then also can’t go out and eat. My low weight makes people feel I am incapable without even giving me a chance, which was never an issue even when I was 5 lbs heavier. I’m tired all the time, cold all the time, and afraid to show my body because I realize how small it is. I am scared to let others hug or touch me because they will feel spine and bones. And teachers and now my manager make mention of my body size.

So I am going to do what is scary. I am going to cut down on exercise and focus on timing and rest. I am also, if I can raise funds, get a nutritionist and start on path to gaining weight. It’s like I’ve been waiting for something more than me to come along and motivate me. Right now it’s my job and also a recent love interest. Something has got to give, and it’s not gonna be me, my family, my future, or my job. IT’s gonna be, it has to be, and it will be ED. I will prove my manager wrong, prove I am capable, and I will do this .One week, one moment, one bite at a time.

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