Please don't read if easily triggered as this is honest about ED behaviors.
May 16, 2015 Admitting ED impact
Well tonight I faced the facts, my ED is really impacting my
life. No, I’m not restricting. But exercise has become obsessive and I eat most
of my food late at night and I still haven’t gained weight. I was fine with
this when I could write off that it had impacted me, but tonight it did.
Tonight my manager did something that might actually end up
saving me and pushing me to recover. He told me he didn’t think I was capable
of the job because I was so slow. I will admit, I’ve noticed as my wt dropped
low I got slower. And I will admit it
has dropped more recently…maybe because I am more active…and I haven’t done
things to stop it because I’m always convinced it is just going to go back up.
But reality is I have noticed I’m slower but I just feel so exhausted.
Why? Because I push myself way too much. I probably go to
spin more than I should with how much I waitress. I don’t prioritize eating
during the day so then I have to stay up at night doing it and lose sleep. And
instead of napping I go to gym. So, frankly, think I am exhausted.
He also mentioned how I can’t carry certain trays at the
job. These weigh like 40-50 lbs. I will admit, I’ve never had upper body
strength, but these trays weigh a lot compared to my body weight. So by not
gaining weight or at least stopping it from dipping lower, I am jeopardizing my
job.
And once my eyes were opened to fact ED may cost me my job,
I realized the other areas it’s creeping into. I can’t go as hard as want to in
spin. I can’t concentrate as much on academics. I can’t go out with people
because prioritize gym and then also can’t go out and eat. My low weight makes
people feel I am incapable without even giving me a chance, which was never an
issue even when I was 5 lbs heavier. I’m tired all the time, cold all the time,
and afraid to show my body because I realize how small it is. I am scared to
let others hug or touch me because they will feel spine and bones. And teachers
and now my manager make mention of my body size.
So I am going to do what is scary. I am going to cut down on
exercise and focus on timing and rest. I am also, if I can raise funds, get a
nutritionist and start on path to gaining weight. It’s like I’ve been waiting
for something more than me to come along and motivate me. Right now it’s my job
and also a recent love interest. Something has got to give, and it’s not gonna
be me, my family, my future, or my job. IT’s gonna be, it has to be, and it
will be ED. I will prove my manager wrong, prove I am capable, and I will do
this .One week, one moment, one bite at a time.
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